Weekending

Fighting germies away
Sticking close to the neb machine
Trying not to worry
Snuggling and watching movies
Celebrating my mother's birthday
Breakfast for dinner, Bananas Foster French Toast with Warm Caramel Sauce, MMMmm
Pocahontas Part 2. Didn't know that existed. Now I do
Read alouds
Quiet reading time for me too
Soccer game
Starting a new 1000 piece puzzle (haven't done that in such a long time)
Christmas shopping ONLINE Yippee!
board games
laundry
ensuring color will return to my world in early spring by planting bulbs
Shew, needed to get that done this weekend since there was actual frost on my grass this morning!
Eating a surprise dinner...Crabs! What a treat!
Grateful for the safe travel of family and friends traveling. Praying for smiles and memories to warm their hearts...
Just finished packing lunches and preparing for another crazy week.

You?

The Fog

I am grateful for the kind words and prayers. They sustain me long after they are spoken and shared.

Not much to report. I feel as though I am walking through a fog most days. I struggle to stay focused on the daily tasks because my attention is pulled into the past. I forget or mess up the things in present time and then I get frustrated. It is really a mess of things folks. Sleep deprivation, constant work to stay focused on the here and now, and the frustration. Trust me they are not a good combination.

What am I doing about it?

praying
reading to distract my mind
drinking LOTS of coffee especially in the morning and then again say at 2 p.m.
listening to soft, gentle, and soothing music
playing with my kids
trying my best to live with a grateful heart...there really is an abundance of good around me in my life.
trying not to beat myself up too badly for the things that I mess up
trying to stay at peace knowing tomorrow is a new day
trying to master this lesson on how to be okay with missing Jeremy...All I can muster is I'm okay, for someone who is NOT okay.

Here We Go...

It is me. The transparent me who isn't sugar coating anything tonight. No amount of dragging our feet will keep our hearts free from the pain that this month will bring.

I am working really hard to stay present in the world of today. I am trying NOT to look too far behind me and not too far ahead.

Memories that once were, have begun to have soft edges but still cause gasping pain if I allow myself to think and ponder them for too long. Memories to be created without Jeremy don't seem possible, yet I know they will happen naturally on their own, just as they have for the last two and a half years. I still wish our memories being created today could be with Jeremy too and I long for his presence in each high and low of family life today.

If I may borrow a term from good friends...I think I'd like to wear a sign this month that says EGR, which stands for Extra Grace Required. I think I may need a little extra grace from time to time this month...

The heaviness landed this morning when I awoke. I could feel it coming, swirling, and hovering over my heart. It could best be described as part fear of the unknown pain that we will endure this year on what would have been Jeremy's third birthday. I question what it will feel like this year? I also fear passing one more year without him and letting go a little more of the dreams that we once had for his life. To this day, I am still grateful for a dear friend Julie's reminder that each day that I live on this earth, I am one day closer to a life lived eternal with Jeremy.

The holidays are right behind his birthday and so it is now that I will fight to hold it together and muster up the strength that I will need for later.

I humble myself and petition you all for prayers for our family during this especially difficult month. Please pray that the Lord continues to work through us and within us to bring glory to His name. Please pray that we can keep our hearts open to the comfort of our Lord and also from family, friends, and prayer warriors. We pray that our hearts can remain open and softened by this love and compassion shown to us all. We pray that we are able to endure the fight and are able to resist the temptation to become bitter and angry. I especially pray that as Jeremy's birthday approaches we feel more of the soft and gentle memories, that we can see the ebb tide of the ways that God used Jeremy's life here on earth for the greater good, and that the sharp hurt continues to subside. In His name we pray. Amen

Halloween 2010

Couldn't let the evening come to an end without a picture of the kids in their costumes. Please meet Luke Skywalker, Kit Kitteridge, and Sully posing beneath the blue ribbon since Jeremy is and always will be a part of who we all are today. It was one of the small and subtle ways to incorporate Jeremy into our special and festive day.

This year wasn't as bad as years gone by, but there were still quite a few moments that managed to take my breath away today. I guess I've grown to accept that it will be this way...

Well lots to do tonight to get ready for another busy week so I'll sign off for now. When I get stuff done, I'm planning to raid the bags of Halloween candy!

Chasing the Germies Away

What a week. The germies have infected our house and have robbed us of our sleep, they have raised our anxieties, and have wreaked havoc on our regular routine. However, I refuse to give in totally and miss out on ALL of the fun of the season. Here is a sneak peek of our Sully who is oh so cute but under the weather!

We made these this week. I was inspired by some of the fall decor at the shops at the beach while we were on vacation. They have made a joyful and sparkly decor to our kitchen table centerpiece. My house will surely sparkle for months as I am still finding glitter everywhere! My oh, oh my, how little ones love glitter!


Thanks to a little extra cooperation and good ole fashioned flexibility as well as a little extra love and support from grandparents and good friends, we still managed to meet all deadlines at school and the olders still made it to all extra curricular activities. They also had fun with Christian Heroes Day at school and even attended a fun after school Christian Heroes party . It is my pleasure to introduce you to Mary and King Josiah.


Despite the hours of cuddling on the couch ( I wouldn't have it any other way!) we were also blessed to have a few good dinners this week. This is solely in thanks to our meal swap group. I was able to whip those dinners right out of the freezer and throw them into a crock pot and six to eight hours later, Voila, dinner was served as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening in our house. We dined on Spiced Pork Roast, Chicken Teriyaki, Pumpkin soup, and Creamy Chicken with Wild Rice soup. Have you thought about being a part of a meal swap group after reading some of the posts on my blog? Well consider this yet another advantage, when life gets crazy, and unpredictably so, the meals in the freezer help to make dinner easy and nourish bodies that are tired and fighting germies away. One group of my friends began a new swap this week and I've already heard how well it went and how excited they are to keep it going! Yeah! Another group may be forming in my sister's hometown too. Wahoo!

Whew...after all that, Mom turned into a ZOMBIE last night, but hey, that was expected.

Here's a peek of our lunch before it was baked today. Sorry I am so tired that I forgot to take a picture of the pizzas after they were baked. One pizza has my hand drawn images of ghosts, bats, and the word Boo cut out from Mozzarella cheese slices. The other pizza is whole wheat and has the leftover cheese, pesto(leftover from meal swap meal) and pizza sauce. MMMmmm!



I'm looking forward to making the best of the rest of our weekend. We rented a few Halloween themed movies, checked out some Halloween books from the library,perhaps make an appearance at another party and will hunker down at the eleventh hour to finally carve our Jack-O-Lanterns. We will hope that the germies leave us once and for all this weekend and that life will resume it's normal craziness next week.

Thanks for reading.

Meal Swapping October

Well folks. In case there anyone out there wondering what my recipe was this month for our meal swap, I made a rerun from last year. It would seem as though other families enjoyed my messed up version of Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf, so I made it again this year.

Did you miss it last time?

Here it is again. http://findingsunshineagain.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-little-coupon.html
My mistake... well, I added the whole box of stuffing. It has been a hit in our house ever since. I think I will always make it using the modified version from here on out.

I really can't say enough positive things about this swap. Dinner is still good many nights of our very busy weeks thanks to my friends.

Just took out some Teriyaki Chicken from the freezer stash of meals for tomorrow's dinner. I think it might pair well with some fresh broccoli from the market. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Nature's Confetti

I was able to take advantage of some quiet time in the woods today. There has been a lot of busyness in my life lately. I was presented with a choice to stay busy or to take a moment to pause and enjoy a fleeting moment of peace. I chose to find some sunshine and soak in the peace this afternoon. I think I chose wisely.

There is so much pain and suffering in this world. As I stand in the midst of my own pain, facing daily the death of my own child, it certainly causes me to see and react to the pain and suffering of others differently. There have been a number of people facing some pretty tough things in the last week or so. Having traveled on this road for some time now, one might think they know a thing or two about this suffering that so many experience in this world. Sadly, I do not. I am unable to offer any words of wisdom on how to explain it. I have learned it can only be approached with much love. Love others? Well, I can surely do that. I can love from trenches of life that I did not ever think I would experience. I pray daily to find the strength to not ask WHY? but HOW? How can I use this pain? Lord how can I use this pain to bring glory to Your name? Some days this is the pain that will pull you under if you let it. This is the pain that waits to pounce on you each morning as you crawl out of bed, before your cup of coffee, before you have had a chance to make sense of the morning light. This is also the very pain that makes you stop and see the world in a different light, which in my view, has been a gift.

This morning, I'll admit, I was allowing the pain to win. Was it weakness? Yep. Sleep deprivation? Yep. The time of year? Yep. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yep, that too. This morning the pain allowed me to remember all four of my children in car seats awaiting the arrival time of preschool under the fall trees in the school driveway. I saw the same beautiful trees, the same seats, the same school, only this time there are only three children. There really are four, I just can't see one. The tears were flowing all the way home and my heart was aching. The enemy wanted nothing more than for me to reside in the pain and spend all day trying to figure out how it was that I arrived at this point in my life having given birth to four children but only seeing three grow and develop on earth.

I arrived back home was determined not to crawl back into bed. I put one foot in front of the other, took a deep breath, and decided that I wasn't going to sit back and LET it win today. I set out to FIND SUNSHINE and I did. It's always nice to share sunshine when you find it in the world.

It was a beautiful fall day today. I was running errands this afternoon when a small detour entered my life. There was construction on a road I was traveling on and I was forced to take in the fall sights all around me while I waited for the traffic to flow again. There was a strong nudging to breathe it all in, so I did. My...Oh my...did I breathe in a breath of peace. The splendor of fall colors was magnificent! I was hooked. I took every back road I could think of to get to my eventual destination. I had time to play with, for once in my life...In the end, I think I used my time very wisely!

The smell in the woods was full of fall aromas like the leaves and mums in full bloom. How often do we stop to appreciate the little things in life? I feel corny sometimes, but really, there is pure and simple joy found in things like the smell of flowers in full bloom. The leaves were crunching under my footsteps and the sound of the stream water gently rolling over the rocks was very peaceful. The sound of the leaves rustling in the wind was also very calming to my soul. Then, watching the leaves fall slowly to the ground was like nature's confetti reminding me that LIFE in and of itself, is a celebration. It was such a gift to also catch the view of the Rays Of Sunshine shining through the clouds. That very image made me smile from the inside out. The unexpected hour alone in the woods was just what I needed and it seemed like the world stood still, just for a moment, for me to catch my breath.


Life is a gift. Breathe it in. Make something of it. Cherish it. Allow yourself the time to relax enough to see it for what it really is. Endeavor to experience what it throws your way. LOVE with all your heart and soul. Hold nothing back. LIVE WELL.