Blue Bows and Prayer Bracelets

There are so many topics on which I could write about on a daily basis. Stay awhile, visit often, there's a lot more to come!



Today I feel led to write about the issue that many have courageously brought to our attention face to face or indirectly through others that are close to us. The tears are flowing folks and my heart yearns to empty a little of my soul.



What should we do with the blue bows? Should we take them down? Should we leave them up? What should we do with the bracelets? Should we wear them? Should we take them off? I'll admit, there is no easy answer. It's personal.

The blue bracelets remind me of the power of prayer. Draw close to God, listen to him whisper to your soul. When I listen closely he tells me "Amy, I know you hurt. I collect and count each and every tear you shed. I am here and I will not forsake you. Jeremy is safe in my arms. You will see your son again in eternal life. You were chosen to be the mother of this special child for the period of time that I loaned him to you. I called him home and "received him", I did not take him from you. Jeremy had a purpose, he fulfilled it. In him was life, real life! You prayed for a miracle, many miracles happened. Maybe they weren't the ones that you had hoped and dreamed of, but my will was done. Amy, you gave me your trust, now see it through. Trust in my will and my ways. "

Now also know that while I know these things to be true in the core of my soul, as a human and as a mother, I also struggle to cope with the death of my son. So I continue to pray. I ask God to give me his peace and strength every day. He tells me to bring him my heart. He asks me to give him my anger, my doubts, my fears, my hurts, my WHATEVER. For in him and only in him, will I find the peace I need to live on without Jeremy. My life and what it holds in my lifetime is the destiny that God has chosen for me. Bring the rain. . . whatever it is to bring him glory. I am his vessel and he is my captain. If I follow his course, I will reach the destination that he has chosen for me. I too will soar the heavens someday with Jeremy and this life will all make sense.

I'll never look at a blue bow the same again! Scott and wish many times that we had thought to ask permission to walk in the Fourth of July parade with our children behind a banner covered in blue bows that read "Thank you!" As I am driving or walking within our community, I often have the desire to stop and knock on doors or enter the places of business to personally meet the Prayer Warriors who have fervently prayed for my son and for our family. The strength to follow through on that thought has not come yet. Please know my heart feels that desire but many of these times I am barely holding it together and cannot muster the strength to stop. Be forwarned, at any time, a strange lady with her children, may be at your door ready for a big hug and to say "Thanks". There has been a bag of blue bows that I think has traveled to many of the events held to support our family and to honor Jeremy. They have become tattered and torn and some don't hold their bow shape too well anymore. I still have these bows in my garage in a bag. What they represent is far more important that the actual bows themselves. They represent a community of Christians that have reached out to a fellow neighbor to say " We're praying, we're here, we've got your back, WHATEVER you need." These bows represent the magnitude of compassion and the true meaning of giving back. We have all learned, without Oprah, that we can all do something to help someone else in need, in very big and small ways. It shows what can and could be done when a community of people are bound together for a higher cause. The blue bows represent a visual reminder that life can change in a blink of an eye. It can happen to anyone at any time. Every part of your being can be erased in a second, without warning, and cannot be changed or reversed. This realization, caused people to evaluate their lives and gave them the push to make changes where needed or desired. These bows represent people who have drawn close to the Lord or have made a decision to get to know him and desire to have a relationship with him. These bows represent a baby, my son, who changed the world. We may never even fully know the ways in which his life has impacted the world and the ways in which others will their lives differently because of Jeremy's influence on them. One thing is for sure, Jeremy's influence, his "Rays of Sunshine" to us, will somehow help us all in some way, big or small, bring glory to our God. Jeremy's gift to us will live on forever and regenerate as each of us use what we have learned from him to live a richer and fuller life here on earth.

So to get back and answer the questions that I shared earlier, please do whatever you feel led to do in your heart. When the time comes, it will hurt to begin a new chapter. I know in my heart, that even after the bows have been taken down, after the bracelets have been taken off, after this intial time has passed and people have "moved" on with their lives, Jeremy will live on. His legacy will be here for you and I to remember always, for it has been permanently etched in our hearts.

Busy Week

It has been a busy week, which has been both good and bad. Good because it can sometimes provide temporary anesthesia from hurting so badly. I can get lost in the moment with the other kids and get so busy taking care of their every day needs that it feels good not to be consumed every waking second with thoughts of Jeremy. Unfortunately those thoughts get stored up somehow, even without trying to save them for later. The physical and emotional exhaustion that are present at the same time can be very bad!


The worst time for us still seems to be at night when the children are asleep in their beds, all is quiet in our house and everything "should" be right in the world. I hurt the most when I hold my youngest son as he drifts off into the Land of Nod. He looks so much like Jeremy. The feelings and memories of Jeremy's last few moments with us are forever etched in my heart. When I look down at my youngest son, his eyes flicker open a few times to make sure he isn't missing a thing more fun then giving in to his exhaustive state. It is then that I find myself wishing Jeremy had opened his eyes and proved us all wrong just one more time. I am grateful for the many miracles that I have come to know that happened through Jeremy, but I still long for the one that I wanted and prayed to happen, for him to be healed. I guess in some senses that miracle did happen. Jeremy has eternal life now. He is no longer suffering and is now perfect in every way. I still wish I could just see for myself that he is okay. My faith tells me to believe in what I cannot see and know that I will see him again.


On Saturday I had the great priviledge and honor of taking part in a Crop for a Cause and Silent Auction event that some of my CM family and friends sponsored. All proceeds from the day were given to our family in honor of Jeremy, to help with medical bills and other costs that have encrued due to Scott missing so much time at work. It was wonderful in so many ways! Thank you Kati, Veronica, Robin, Suzy, Julie, Kim, and Sharleen. Thank you for everything! In addition I thank those of you who sponsored or donated an item for the auction, gave generously to the Memorial Fund, or helped in other ways to make this event possible and rewarding for all who attended, especially me. My thankful and grateful heart also appreciates the generosity of my church for allowing us to use the facility free of charge. I also thank each and every person who came to the event! Thank you!!! As I said that day, I'm glad that each and every one of you are there on this journey with me to hold the umbrella for us in this devasting storm of life and to help us see the sun shining every day.


I was amazed at the turnout of family, friends, and new friends that came out to support us. We were unable to experience for ourselves the other events that were held in Jeremy's honor. We had always heard quite moving descriptions of what the events were like but could never "feel" it for ourselves completely. Amazing is the only word that comes to mind. It was so nice to see my friends again and to meet some of the "Prayer Warriors" in person. I can't describe the feeling that comes over me as people share a little bit of how their lives have changed because of Jeremy. I was humbled to meet other mothers who have also lost a child and came forward to share their stories with me. I appreciated their compassion and courage to come face to face with their pain, in hopes of helping me. In addition, I also had the courage to begin Jeremy's album. It is bittersweet working on this album project. It will certainly be unlike anything that I have ever done before. I ask for your prayers to give me the strength and courage I need to complete this task. I appreciate the help of so many fellow scrappers to get it done so that we as a family can cherish our memories of Jeremy forever.


We continue to be amazed everyday at the outpouring of support that comes to our family. We appreciate the cards, phone calls, meals, baked treats, fruit, offers of lending helping hands, visits, and many other creative ways that members of our community have embraced us during this difficult time. We have no way of expressing to you how appreciative we truly are. Although it isn't easy, we also love when people talk with us in public places and share how Jeremy has changed their lives. It feels me with such pride to know the good that has come from such a tragedy. Don't ever wonder whether your deeds are helping us in some way, just know that we are forever grateful and could not survive this storm without your help.

There is so much more that I want to write about. . . stories for another day. I'll try to post again soon.

Amy

One Month Reflection

Nolan in a tub full of sunshine bubbles.

Nolan riding his new bike! No worries, he DOES have and WILL wear his helmet!
The sunshine birthday cake for Nolan.

Yesterday was just a million times harder than I thought it would be. I have been an emotional wreck all week just anticipating what it would be like and what it would feel like one month to the day since Jeremy has passed. It was a mixed bag of emotions all day. To further complicate the emotions of the day, we also celebrated Nolan's second birthday. How does one do that? How do you put one foot in a celebatory mode to be happy as you watch your child enter a new phase in his life, turning two, while at the very same time, remember your other child that died one month ago. AHH my life is full of near impossible times lately! I can't win. Well all things are possible with God right? So we did our best.

I was grumpy ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. I just don't seem to know what to do with the anger that rages in the core of my soul. Trevor even woke up and was crying as he was coming down the stairs carrying a large photo of Jeremy. I though this was ironic but doubted that he knew the date. I took him in my arms and we cried together for awhile in the stillness of the morning. We are all about family in this house and it tears me up inside that my children have this pain to learn about at such an early age. I went throught the motions for the rest of the day hoping it wouldn't feel like one of those dreadfully long days. I CHOSE to make the best of the day, but on the inside, for the first time, what I really wanted to do was to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I wore my sunshine earrings that my parents brought me from their trip to the beach. I indulged in a pedicure and had sunshines painted on my big toenails. I took the children to their swim lesson and then we stayed at the pool for some summer fun since it was such a beautiful day. I couldn't help but to notice all of the babies that were about the same age as Jeremy. I wondered what he would look like and imagined all of the fun we would be having today. I was glad to leave the pool and to come home because as the day went on it just kept getting harder and harder.

It has always been a special treat to take a bath in our big spa tub. Yesterday felt like a good day for such a treat. I filled the tub and added a yellow color tablet in honor of Jeremy. I have some bath bubbles from Philosophy called "You Are My Sunshine" so it was only fitting that I added those too! The kids even turned on the "bubbler" and much to our surprise, the bubbles were overflowing! I guess I added too much bubble solution and perhaps Jeremy really wanted us to smile and laugh a little.

A good friend who knows me and what I need even better than I do sometimes, brought us a delicious dinner. I was certainly glad she did , because by that time in the afteroon, I was in no shape to cook dinner. Another family had sent us a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers to remind us that Jeremy was still in their hearts and minds and that he would never be forgotten. My parents did the same. I am enjoying the sunshine in my home a little more today. Another friend and her girls came by to bring us a flower and a card with the same loving sentiments. Many people called, some visited the cemetary, and others sent cards. We even received a very touching card from the Cardiology Dept. at the hospital. We were humbled by the outpouring of love, support, and prayers that continues to surround us. We still need every bit of this support from all of you, thanks!

Scott came home carrying a cake and a proud smile. I could hardly believe what I saw, a sunshine cake. It was PERFECT. We had both faced a tough day and now we would begin a family celebration, a family tradition, without Jeremy. Hold on. . . keep breathing. . . Yes, Angie M. , In. . . Out. . . In. . . I felt so guilty because Nolan deserved so much more on his second birthday. He deserved a happy day and he got whatever we could muster out of our emotional vacuum. My thoughts for most of the day were consumed by Jeremy's death. I kept thinking all day, How does this happen? Babies just aren't supposed to die. We were supposed to have four beautiful children to grow up in this house. Jeremy was needed here to be a part of this birthday celebration. The table just wasn't the same as we gathered around to sing "Happy Birthday" and to blow out the candles. For starters, we wanted a quiet celebration for Nolan knowing that it would be a particularly difficult day. It was so strange to not be surrounded by our extended. While we were singing Scott and I both cried tears of sadness knowing that Jeremy wasn't in his usual place at the table and wondering what he would be doing if he were. I imagined he would have been so excited and he probably would have been reaching for the cake and a tiny taste of the icing. We opend gifts and took a short walk but the whole time everyone was out of sorts. Nothing we did yesterday seemed "right". I'm wondering when home will feel like home and when our life will ever feel "right" again. We put the kids to bed early and fell into each other's arms crying ourselves to sleep.

Gosh, we have had so many of the "firsts" already in these last few weeks. These are the experiences that people have warned us about that happen during the grieving process. We're stuck on this ride forever. I just wish that it wouldn't hurt so bad all of the time. Okay Jesus, we're holding on tighter than ever, trusting that you will see us through this too and that you do know what you are doing. I do not know what I am doing and I am unsure of the way to go from here. I do know you will show me. I know that you will reveal to me a new "me" and a new assignment that will give you glory.

one month

It's been a month without our precious Jeremy. I wake up every day and I still need convincing that he really isn't here anymore. I go to bed each night fighting the horrible images in my mind, thinking of the "What If's", thinking about how to face the next day without my precious baby, and then finally crying myself to sleep. Then I wake up and do it again. I walk around most days feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach really hard and I can't breathe. To be honest, the last two weeks have been the most difficult. Reality is setting in hard!

I see him, I hear him, and I feel him everywhere I go and with everything that I do. I feel lost and I scurry around all day trying to stay busy and to keep the children happy and content. The only problem is that when it comes down to it, Jeremy isn't here nor will he ever be and that's why I can't feel content. There is a gaping whole in my heart and soul and there's nothing that will ever fill that void ever again. Scott and I try to put ourselves out there for the sake of the other children. We force ourselves to go to the pool, to celebrate the Fourth of July holiday by going to the parade, or to take part in family celebrations etc. However, living on without our Jeremy, hurts. Those emotional pauses happen all the time. The triggers seem to come when we least expect them or when we are already having a hard day. There are Real Estate signs posted all around the community with someone named Jeremy on them. There are also babies everywhere I turn. Especially painful is the sight of a baby the same age as Jeremy. I see them and it's like I just can't breathe.

We all visited the cemetary for the first time this week. My Aunt Diane was kind enought to go before us and place sunflowers and a sun balloon there. The children each placed a flag in the vase in honor of the holiday. The new grass was just beginning to grow and the temporary marker was placed at the top of the site. I've had to do a lot of really hard things these last few months and for some strange reason, I keep thinking it's going to get easier one of these days, but that hasn't happened yet. I sat there on the grass and I didn't want to leave. If I just sat there a little longer, if I was patient, he would still be here. I would find him again. But instead, I eventually did get up and walk away, without my baby.

This is raw pain folks!! I am not sugar coating this at all. I am ANGRY!!! I worked so hard from the very beginning to have this precious baby. I had to take medicine to stay pregnant, I threw up many times every single solitary day until about 23 weeks gestation, I went into pre-term labor around 31 weeks and was on bed rest. We had to have so much help and I sacrificed so much with Scott and the other children to keep Jeremy safe from an early delivery and the complications that could've happened. I did deliver at 36 weeks and from all we could see, we had a healthy baby boy! I experienced some complications from childbirth and had some minor surgery one week later. Then at just ten days old, we were rushed to Hopkins because we discovered that Jeremy had a duadenal web. He had emergency surgery and spent roughly two weeks in the hospital recovering. At the time, I thought this was the worst experience of my life. I was so thankful that Jeremy was born in this century. Babies born even fifty years ago died from this birth defect because they did not have the technology to find or treat the problem. You see EVERYTHING at Hopkins. Looking around, I was so thankful that my baby would get to go home and lead a happy and healthy life. Jeremy would be able to eat normal foods and live a normal life. Little did I know that we would be here, in a place that no parent wants to be in, just six short months later. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clocks and do so many things differently. So yes, I am angry that after all that hard work, I still do not have my baby to hold, to nurse, to rock to sleep. You see. . . some people search their whole lives to find true happiness. Some people have it and don't realize it or don't appreciate it. Well, we had it when our fourth and precious child was born. There was a contentment in my soul that I had never felt. Our family was complete! Jeremy was the cherry on the top of our delicious life! Our dreams have been shattered. Nothing will ever be the same again. I am left with the famous thought that it was far better to have had that happiness and contentment, than to have never had it at all.

I pray. . . and I pray. . . and I pray. . . . sometimes I do not know what to pray for. I pray for God's will for my life. I pray that he will make it visable to me what his journey is for me now. I pray that he will give me more strength daily to endure this earlthy life without my child.

I pray for my marriage. Losing a child is such a strain on a marriage. We grieve differently because we are different people. We hurt so badly that we don't have much left to offer each other or the ability to hold one another up. Lord, help us to hold on tighter than ever. Lord help us to keep the door sealed and closed to Satan and his ways.

I pray for my children. I pray that they have happy memories of Jeremy. I pray that they do not remember the ugliness that surrounds this experience. I pray that they do not end up in therapy as adults because of the damage that we do to them trying to cope with this tragedy. We know all to well that who they become in life is directly related to how we conduct ourselves and a result of the experiences that we offer them in this life.

I pray for our extended family. They are hurting too! They have lost a loved one. A grandchild, a nephew, a cousin. . . They hurt in another way as well. As hard as they try, they cannot take this pain from us. They cannot carry this load for us. They CAN walk beside us. They CAN and DO walk in the Rain with us. I pray for their hearts to be comforted by our Lord.

I walk in our neighborhood and I drive throughout my community and I STILL see the blue ribbons. I am STILL amazed by the mail that we receive on a daily basis. I am reminded that there are Prayer Warriors that have continued to lift us up in prayer. I pray that each and every one of you out there knows just how very much we appreciate your ongoing love, support, and prayers. Especially when we cannot ask for it or thank you with words. I pray that you feel our appreciation in your heart tonight.

I pray for the doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and other medical staff out there who treat sick and critically injured and/or sick children and their families. I especially pray for the PICU staff at Hopkins. They face the impossible and the most difficult cases every day. I pray that they are stengthened by the miracles and that they can release their sadness from the tragedies. They are an amazing team. I will be forever grateful and proud to have known them and to have seen them work miracles in the lives of sick children. I miss them. . . I also pray for their families. May they know others appreciate the work of their loved one and that their sacrifices of family time do not go unnoticed.

I pray for the millions of parents out there. I pray that they know the true gift and miracle of being a parent and that they use that gift wisely. May they see the magic in their child's eyes and NEVER take a single moment for granted.

Last but not least. . .

A fellow blogger writes this next prayer so beautifully and ever since I read it, I have prayed it for myself daily. "May the image of Heaven be so overhwhelmingly joyful that we can fully resign our hearts to the image of Jeremy being there." Lord, show us the glory of your dwelling place. Comfort us tonight knowing that we will see our Jeremy again.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying.

Amy