Nolan in a tub full of sunshine bubbles.
Nolan riding his new bike! No worries, he DOES have and WILL wear his helmet!
The sunshine birthday cake for Nolan.
I was grumpy ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. I just don't seem to know what to do with the anger that rages in the core of my soul. Trevor even woke up and was crying as he was coming down the stairs carrying a large photo of Jeremy. I though this was ironic but doubted that he knew the date. I took him in my arms and we cried together for awhile in the stillness of the morning. We are all about family in this house and it tears me up inside that my children have this pain to learn about at such an early age. I went throught the motions for the rest of the day hoping it wouldn't feel like one of those dreadfully long days. I CHOSE to make the best of the day, but on the inside, for the first time, what I really wanted to do was to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I wore my sunshine earrings that my parents brought me from their trip to the beach. I indulged in a pedicure and had sunshines painted on my big toenails. I took the children to their swim lesson and then we stayed at the pool for some summer fun since it was such a beautiful day. I couldn't help but to notice all of the babies that were about the same age as Jeremy. I wondered what he would look like and imagined all of the fun we would be having today. I was glad to leave the pool and to come home because as the day went on it just kept getting harder and harder.
It has always been a special treat to take a bath in our big spa tub. Yesterday felt like a good day for such a treat. I filled the tub and added a yellow color tablet in honor of Jeremy. I have some bath bubbles from Philosophy called "You Are My Sunshine" so it was only fitting that I added those too! The kids even turned on the "bubbler" and much to our surprise, the bubbles were overflowing! I guess I added too much bubble solution and perhaps Jeremy really wanted us to smile and laugh a little.
A good friend who knows me and what I need even better than I do sometimes, brought us a delicious dinner. I was certainly glad she did , because by that time in the afteroon, I was in no shape to cook dinner. Another family had sent us a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers to remind us that Jeremy was still in their hearts and minds and that he would never be forgotten. My parents did the same. I am enjoying the sunshine in my home a little more today. Another friend and her girls came by to bring us a flower and a card with the same loving sentiments. Many people called, some visited the cemetary, and others sent cards. We even received a very touching card from the Cardiology Dept. at the hospital. We were humbled by the outpouring of love, support, and prayers that continues to surround us. We still need every bit of this support from all of you, thanks!
Scott came home carrying a cake and a proud smile. I could hardly believe what I saw, a sunshine cake. It was PERFECT. We had both faced a tough day and now we would begin a family celebration, a family tradition, without Jeremy. Hold on. . . keep breathing. . . Yes, Angie M. , In. . . Out. . . In. . . I felt so guilty because Nolan deserved so much more on his second birthday. He deserved a happy day and he got whatever we could muster out of our emotional vacuum. My thoughts for most of the day were consumed by Jeremy's death. I kept thinking all day, How does this happen? Babies just aren't supposed to die. We were supposed to have four beautiful children to grow up in this house. Jeremy was needed here to be a part of this birthday celebration. The table just wasn't the same as we gathered around to sing "Happy Birthday" and to blow out the candles. For starters, we wanted a quiet celebration for Nolan knowing that it would be a particularly difficult day. It was so strange to not be surrounded by our extended. While we were singing Scott and I both cried tears of sadness knowing that Jeremy wasn't in his usual place at the table and wondering what he would be doing if he were. I imagined he would have been so excited and he probably would have been reaching for the cake and a tiny taste of the icing. We opend gifts and took a short walk but the whole time everyone was out of sorts. Nothing we did yesterday seemed "right". I'm wondering when home will feel like home and when our life will ever feel "right" again. We put the kids to bed early and fell into each other's arms crying ourselves to sleep.
Gosh, we have had so many of the "firsts" already in these last few weeks. These are the experiences that people have warned us about that happen during the grieving process. We're stuck on this ride forever. I just wish that it wouldn't hurt so bad all of the time. Okay Jesus, we're holding on tighter than ever, trusting that you will see us through this too and that you do know what you are doing. I do not know what I am doing and I am unsure of the way to go from here. I do know you will show me. I know that you will reveal to me a new "me" and a new assignment that will give you glory.
6 comments:
Always, always thinking of you. Trying to find the right words, but failing because I know there ARE no words to make it better. There are no words to make sense of things, and there is nothing on this earth that will ease the pain. Hold on tight- to your memories, your family, your friends and your faith. I promise it will be enough.
We pass the cemetary each day to and from camp and send kisses to Jeremy, and prayers to all of you. For peace, and hope, and just the ability to get through the day. I wish we could do more. love,
Erin
Amy,
I thought about you so much on the 8th because I remembered that Rachel and Nolan share the same birthday. I know the one month anniversary and the birthday of Nolan together is just so....I don't even have the word. I know you must have been on a crazy roller coaster that day. I prayed for you and Scott, and Nolan each time you came to mind. Prayers are powerful and I'm so thankful that you have so many wonderful people and strangers lifting your family up in prayer. The image of Trevor coming down the stairs with Jeremey's picture makes me cry, and I love that you just sat and cried with him. You are such a great mom.
I am yet another person who has never met you but I have been so touched by your story. I have prayed for you and your family every time I see a blue ribbon in town and my heart aches for your loss. I watched a close friend lose an infant a year ago and it was one of the saddest experiences I have ever witnessed. Through it all, the thing that spoke the loudest to me was the continued strength and faith she and her husband demonstrated. As I have seen so many others post, your faith and strength will be more of a witness than you will ever know. I'm sure you can't help but think, "Why do I have to suffer for another's gain?" This is something we just won't understand until we enter the pearly gates of heaven one day and are face to face with our Lord. He didn't want you to hurt, He didn't want this for you or for Jeremy, but with joy we unfortunately have to have sorrow. I pray that you find peace in knowing that God weeps with you and feels your pain as He too lost a son. He knows more than anyone the pain in your heart, yet also how to heal that hurt. Every time you think of Jeremy and ache to hold him, remind yourself that God loves you as much as you love Jeremy and always will. Actually, He loves you more than that! Hard to imagine as a parent, I know! You are His precious child just as all of your babies are to you. And just as we have to watch our own children face pain and suffering in this world, He has to watch us face pain and suffering as well. I pray that you will find comfort in being reminded that this life is merely a "blink" or a moment in time. The place where you will be reunited with Jeremy and stand with all of your loved ones, someday, is our eternal home where all of this pain will simply melt away. I like to picture a giant trash can at the door of heaven that says, "Please leave your tissues here. You will not need them inside!" Though I do not know you and am sure that I can not begin to understand what your are going through, please know that you are not alone and through your words you are keeping Jeremy's memory alive - even for those of us who only know him through his precious pictures online. Thanks to you, and others I hold close to me who have suffered such loss, I no longer get wrapped up in the trivial problems of life. You are reminding me, and so many others, to take each day as a gift and enjoy every minute we have together. As I hold my baby boy who is 4 months old, know that in my heart I think of you and ache for the fact that you can not hold yours. Also know, however, that this makes me cherish him so much more and every precious minute I have with him, and my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Because of you, there are hundreds of children out there who will probably have better relationships with their parents, who are now more involved than ever as they appreciate each milestone and moment that they are blessed with. God does not want us to suffer, but He is so big that He can use something so awful for something so good. Who knows, maybe the money you raise in his memory will save the lives of other children who find themselves at Johns Hopkins someday, fighting for their lives.
I could go on, but I think I have said enough. Thank you for being so honest and humble to share your words of suffering with so many. I know it will help your healing process as well. I will continue to pray for you and your family as you face every day with the pain in your heart. Most of all I pray you continue to find joy in the little things of every day life with your other three children. Don't worry that you are "scarring them" or "setting them up to need therapy" as you stated. God takes care of them just as He takes care of you. As much as we want to protect our children from having to face such hurt, it is so beyond us. Just as you know others around you can't fix this for you, you can't fix it for them. Just love them, hold them, and cherish them. The rest will take care of itself. In the end, they will grow up to be stronger faith-filled individuals because of it. As exhausted as you may be through all of your tears, remember that when your day comes to meet our Savior, He will open His arms to you and tell you "Well done good and faithful servant. Well done!" You could have very easily turned your back on God but you have chosen to remain standing with Him as well as singing His praises out loud for all to hear! This is such beautiful music to His ears. He smiles on you from above as He holds Jeremy in His arms, rocking him to sleep. Yet His arms still have plenty of room to hold you and your loved ones as well, while you are still hurting here on earth.
Rest in God's loving grip!
Hi Amy- Thanks for creating "Finding Sunshine" blog and letting us all know how you all are doing. Prayer Warriors are still praying for you guys!!!
Here goes my first time blogging-
Have you ever noticed that the sun is always shining above the clouds? Like when you fly on a plane and it's a horrible rainy day when you take off but then, as the plane climbs higher and higher through the clouds, the sunlight starts breaking through and before you know it, you've gotta put on those shades, it's so bright?!! Keep climbing, it's shining...
Dear Amy,
Thank you for sharing your emotions through this journal. Your perseverence, as little as you may feel it is at times, continues to reflect God's grace. Just making the decision not to stay in bed as you said in this entry is HUGE. Obviously, you and Scott are chosing to keep walking in the Lord and He is holding you up at this time. I think of your family all the time and pray for you. I downloaded some of the worship songs onto my ipod. When the running is getting unbearable, and I want to give up, I think of Jeremy and your family and offer up even that. All sacrifices tied to prayer bring even more grace...so know that I'm doing that. For today, may the peace of Christ reign in your soul and soften the anger that is so deserved. May his mercy and love that flows from his sacred heart overflow into your marriage and give you strength. May the joy that can only come from carrying the cross with Christ, meet you today and give you hope. In Christ's love,
Kara Simon
I am always thinking about you and your family and especially Jeremy...
It is natural to have feelings like that!! Don't feel guilty or ashamed...All you can do is move forward one day at a time! Find happiness with your other children and remember Jeremy as the happy, adorable, lovable, smiley baby who loved you so!
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