one month

It's been a month without our precious Jeremy. I wake up every day and I still need convincing that he really isn't here anymore. I go to bed each night fighting the horrible images in my mind, thinking of the "What If's", thinking about how to face the next day without my precious baby, and then finally crying myself to sleep. Then I wake up and do it again. I walk around most days feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach really hard and I can't breathe. To be honest, the last two weeks have been the most difficult. Reality is setting in hard!

I see him, I hear him, and I feel him everywhere I go and with everything that I do. I feel lost and I scurry around all day trying to stay busy and to keep the children happy and content. The only problem is that when it comes down to it, Jeremy isn't here nor will he ever be and that's why I can't feel content. There is a gaping whole in my heart and soul and there's nothing that will ever fill that void ever again. Scott and I try to put ourselves out there for the sake of the other children. We force ourselves to go to the pool, to celebrate the Fourth of July holiday by going to the parade, or to take part in family celebrations etc. However, living on without our Jeremy, hurts. Those emotional pauses happen all the time. The triggers seem to come when we least expect them or when we are already having a hard day. There are Real Estate signs posted all around the community with someone named Jeremy on them. There are also babies everywhere I turn. Especially painful is the sight of a baby the same age as Jeremy. I see them and it's like I just can't breathe.

We all visited the cemetary for the first time this week. My Aunt Diane was kind enought to go before us and place sunflowers and a sun balloon there. The children each placed a flag in the vase in honor of the holiday. The new grass was just beginning to grow and the temporary marker was placed at the top of the site. I've had to do a lot of really hard things these last few months and for some strange reason, I keep thinking it's going to get easier one of these days, but that hasn't happened yet. I sat there on the grass and I didn't want to leave. If I just sat there a little longer, if I was patient, he would still be here. I would find him again. But instead, I eventually did get up and walk away, without my baby.

This is raw pain folks!! I am not sugar coating this at all. I am ANGRY!!! I worked so hard from the very beginning to have this precious baby. I had to take medicine to stay pregnant, I threw up many times every single solitary day until about 23 weeks gestation, I went into pre-term labor around 31 weeks and was on bed rest. We had to have so much help and I sacrificed so much with Scott and the other children to keep Jeremy safe from an early delivery and the complications that could've happened. I did deliver at 36 weeks and from all we could see, we had a healthy baby boy! I experienced some complications from childbirth and had some minor surgery one week later. Then at just ten days old, we were rushed to Hopkins because we discovered that Jeremy had a duadenal web. He had emergency surgery and spent roughly two weeks in the hospital recovering. At the time, I thought this was the worst experience of my life. I was so thankful that Jeremy was born in this century. Babies born even fifty years ago died from this birth defect because they did not have the technology to find or treat the problem. You see EVERYTHING at Hopkins. Looking around, I was so thankful that my baby would get to go home and lead a happy and healthy life. Jeremy would be able to eat normal foods and live a normal life. Little did I know that we would be here, in a place that no parent wants to be in, just six short months later. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clocks and do so many things differently. So yes, I am angry that after all that hard work, I still do not have my baby to hold, to nurse, to rock to sleep. You see. . . some people search their whole lives to find true happiness. Some people have it and don't realize it or don't appreciate it. Well, we had it when our fourth and precious child was born. There was a contentment in my soul that I had never felt. Our family was complete! Jeremy was the cherry on the top of our delicious life! Our dreams have been shattered. Nothing will ever be the same again. I am left with the famous thought that it was far better to have had that happiness and contentment, than to have never had it at all.

I pray. . . and I pray. . . and I pray. . . . sometimes I do not know what to pray for. I pray for God's will for my life. I pray that he will make it visable to me what his journey is for me now. I pray that he will give me more strength daily to endure this earlthy life without my child.

I pray for my marriage. Losing a child is such a strain on a marriage. We grieve differently because we are different people. We hurt so badly that we don't have much left to offer each other or the ability to hold one another up. Lord, help us to hold on tighter than ever. Lord help us to keep the door sealed and closed to Satan and his ways.

I pray for my children. I pray that they have happy memories of Jeremy. I pray that they do not remember the ugliness that surrounds this experience. I pray that they do not end up in therapy as adults because of the damage that we do to them trying to cope with this tragedy. We know all to well that who they become in life is directly related to how we conduct ourselves and a result of the experiences that we offer them in this life.

I pray for our extended family. They are hurting too! They have lost a loved one. A grandchild, a nephew, a cousin. . . They hurt in another way as well. As hard as they try, they cannot take this pain from us. They cannot carry this load for us. They CAN walk beside us. They CAN and DO walk in the Rain with us. I pray for their hearts to be comforted by our Lord.

I walk in our neighborhood and I drive throughout my community and I STILL see the blue ribbons. I am STILL amazed by the mail that we receive on a daily basis. I am reminded that there are Prayer Warriors that have continued to lift us up in prayer. I pray that each and every one of you out there knows just how very much we appreciate your ongoing love, support, and prayers. Especially when we cannot ask for it or thank you with words. I pray that you feel our appreciation in your heart tonight.

I pray for the doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and other medical staff out there who treat sick and critically injured and/or sick children and their families. I especially pray for the PICU staff at Hopkins. They face the impossible and the most difficult cases every day. I pray that they are stengthened by the miracles and that they can release their sadness from the tragedies. They are an amazing team. I will be forever grateful and proud to have known them and to have seen them work miracles in the lives of sick children. I miss them. . . I also pray for their families. May they know others appreciate the work of their loved one and that their sacrifices of family time do not go unnoticed.

I pray for the millions of parents out there. I pray that they know the true gift and miracle of being a parent and that they use that gift wisely. May they see the magic in their child's eyes and NEVER take a single moment for granted.

Last but not least. . .

A fellow blogger writes this next prayer so beautifully and ever since I read it, I have prayed it for myself daily. "May the image of Heaven be so overhwhelmingly joyful that we can fully resign our hearts to the image of Jeremy being there." Lord, show us the glory of your dwelling place. Comfort us tonight knowing that we will see our Jeremy again.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying.

Amy