The First Thanksgiving

I've heard and read many times how grieving families don't remember much of the first year following the death of a loved one. I can relate to that as I have trouble remembering the ins and outs of most days that go by, let alone a week, or a whole year. Well I would like to put this pain aside and not remember it. Maybe it's the mind's way of healing us one day at a time. However, with other children growing up in this house, I don't want to forget it ALL. There are still moments of joy, sweet memories, and yes, even sunshine. AHH Hah! Yet another useful purpose for this blog.

Well we survived our first Thanksgiving. It was horrible and exactly the way I expected it to be. That being said, we made the most of the day. I am so glad that we stayed home and chose to experience the holiday alone. It was just what we needed to do.

In the quiet stillness of the morning the idea came to me to make this centerpiece for our table. It provided some comfort for us during the day. We lit candles for Jeremy and some his friends that are with him in heaven now. We prayed for each of these families throughout the day, knowing that they were each most likely feeling the same things that we were. We all have a deep desire for our children to still be a part of whatever we do as a family, even if they can't physically be here with us on earth. We wanted our children to be remembered on Thanksgiving. I watched those candles like a hawk, quickly lighting a new tealight once they burnt out. These candles stayed on our table until the wee hours of this morning when I finally went to bed. I can't remember the name of the chemical in the turkey that makes you sleepy, but it didn't work this year.

I suffered from the mixed personality disorder again and it's so exhausting. There are large parts of my soul that are feeling so thankful for the abundant blessings in my life. Part of me wanted to list out each one, but the list was too long. I can also say that the depth of my thankfulness is much deeper than ever before. Yes, I am even thankful for the gift of Jeremy's life. BUT. . . that whole issue of being thankful for everything and in everything was a big debate in my soul. I see that it was the same in many other parents hearts that walk this journey with me.

I spent the morning enjoying a yummy Caramel Soaked French Toast casserole made for us by dear friends who have been a tremendous support to us. I am still in awe that despite the usual preparations for their own holiday, they thought of us and how our morning would begin. They decided our Thanksgiving would begin on a sweet note and it did. We watched a little bit of the parade and then I began to do my best to distract myself from the pain by cooking dinner.

It worked for awhile. I played some music and focused on recipes that I had never made before and as I said, I glanced at the candles at every chance I could. I prayed. I prayed a lot. I exchanged e-mails with my dear friends who are walking through this terrible storm with me. That also made me feel good. We knew where to find one another if the day got to be too much.

Then the enemy snuck in. I knew he was coming and he would take every chance he could to spin me out of control in grief and sadness. My armor was not strong enough...

The tears flowed uncontrollably. I felt like I could not even enjoy the meal that I worked so hard to prepare. I wanted to crawl into bed and wait until the morning came to peek my head out of the covers. I couldn't. There just aren't words to describe what happened next.

We gathered around our table filled with the abundant food that God had provided along with so many other blessings. We each took a turn to say what we were thankful for this year. Family friends, prayer warriors, everything that has been done to support us this year, employment, our health, (here I go again with that long list) were some of the things that were all said and many others in our hearts were also offered up to the Lord. It was what my two year old said that caused us all to stop and just sit in awe of the wisdom of even the little ones. He said " I'm fankful for Jesus and for Jeremy." Tears, tears, and more tears. Jeremy was deeply missed in our home and certainly at our table yesterday. He was forefront in our hearts and minds all day.

I was angry. I wondered what his first Thanksgiving would have been like had he been here. Is there Thanksgiving in Heaven? Would he have worn one of the precious hand me down outfits that have already been proudly worn by his brothers? What food would we have given him a taste of? What an honor it would have been to share all of our usual family traditions with him too. We missed those traditions, but this year it was too painful to do them without Jeremy. We missed our extended family. I didn't want to say or hear "Happy Thanksgiving". Happy would have been the last feeling that I would use to describe my feelings. Numb is more like it.

See the vast amount of feelings that one small soul can feel in just one day??? It really wears on you after awhile.

We ended the day with a little comedy act. Our children, in the true spirit of our family, put on a show for us. The tickets were a pricey $5 each but it was money well spent. We laughed and smiled together for the first time all day.

I am worn out as I expected to be. Now I must gather whatever strength I have left to prepare for yet another difficult day, Jeremy's birthday is on Sunday.

I pray that the grace of God fills me with the rest. I don't know how to do this. . .