Finding Sunshine

I've been wanting and needing to write but my thoughts just won't settle. No inspiration. . . things are going down hill and fast. I wondered the other night if I was truly feeling worse or if it was the time of year? I still can't answer that question. I do know that I feel pretty darn low right about now and the holidays just aren't helping matters any.


I am STUCK living in a miserable place, just where Satan wants me. He sure has a tight grip on me and although I feel as though I want to be different, the feelings just remain. I am living every day hurting for what has been taken from me, grieving the loss of what was to come, and just plain sick about what has happened to my baby. I actually I do feel grateful to have so many blessings in my life but the pain of losing Jeremy is so heavy that it is overshadowing everything else in my life right now. Jeremy is all I think about and the pain of losing him is so heavy in my heart and in my mind.


This time last year I was due to deliver any day. We had experienced another difficult pregnancy but with a lot of prayers and hard work, it seemed as though we had made it through the woods and the odds of delivering a healthy baby were good. We were all eager to meet the newest miracle in our lives. Would it be a girl or a boy? What name would would choose from our list? What would this baby look like? We were really no different than any other parents ready to deliver a precious baby. Only this year, we are different, that baby is gone. Gone from this earth forever. . . My memories from last year seem confusing. Did I really have a healthy baby?


Thanksgiving is next week. I am dreading the day. I wish I could just skip it all together. I can't imagine feeling anything but pure sadness that day and it scares me. Jeremy's birthday is following close ,just three days later.



I have figured out that my life is like a puzzle. Jeremy's death changed my life puzzle but I can't seem to find the pieces to the new puzzle. All the pieces I find are from my old life and they do not seem to fit into this new life puzzle. I am ready to explode from grief. I am a mother, a mother permanently separated from her child, at least here on earth. So I spend my days "searching" . Of course I am not crazy. I know I cannot find my precious Jeremy even if I search the ends of the earth. I know where he is, he is in heaven with Jesus. But the human heart cannot rationalize that distance here on earth. My heart goes on beating and it cannot find him. That's why NOTHING seems to feel good or right in my life. The hardest part is that we know exactly what we don't want but we don't always have a clear vision of what we do want or knowing the things that will feel comforting.
Jesus, free me from Satan's wrath. I ask to be rescued from this place of pain and suffering.
Jesus, I pray today that you help my heart find a little peace. Help my heart to stop searching for my baby. Jesus help me rest knowing that you take care of him far better than I ever could. Jesus please rest my mind from worry. Please take away the images of my son sick and suffering, replace them with images of him healed and happy with you. Let my heart see that he dances in your arms in heaven today. He is fine now, in fact he is better than fine now. I remember him at four months old and my mind searches for what he would be like now at one year old. He's free from the evil of this world and for that I am thankful. Please forgive me for not being as grateful as I should be for my blessings in my life. Help me Lord to see in full the good that remains in my life, the good that you alone have given to me. Help me Lord, come and rescue me from this pain. I am on my knees begging for your mercy Lord. Show me the way to the good that you have planned for me. Help me see this miracle that you have created using my son, Jeremy.

I ask you to also be with those that carry this cross and burden with me. Lord they are hurting too. Please fill their hearts with peace and comfort that only you can give.