My Love to You on Angels Wings

Dear Jeremy,

I'll begin this letter by saying that this is the last thing that I ever thought I would be doing. I wish I could just snuggle up with you, see your sweet face, and tell you what's in my heart myself. I wish I could whisper these sweet nothings to you as you drift off to sleep in my arms.
Instead, I will write to you because it is all that is left that I can do. I am enlisting the help of some special angels. I hope you get this message.

Did you know that I scrapbook? I take millions of photos, to the point where Daddy thinks I capture every moment that you kids breathe. I just laugh because I know what I'm really doing is capturing every moment that I don't want to forget. I always thought that someday when I'was old and you kids were all grown up, we would sit around and enjoy reading all of the volumes of scrapbooks. I imagined that we would all laugh about the good times and share all of our favorite memories. Time flies. I know that even more, now that you have gone to your forever home to live with Jesus. I did take lots of pictures of you when you were here on earth and I am so very grateful for that. I look at your pictures every single day. When I see your picture, my stomach still does flip flops and sommersaults. I am still in disbelief that something like this could really happen. It still feels like a very bad dream that I can't shake.

Oh sweet baby Jeremy, I miss you and love you so very much. Mommy is so sorry that you had to endure so much during your brief life here on earth. My heart aches for you. I am sorry that I could not fix this or take away the pain that you must have endured. What hurts me the most is the fact that I could not hold you during your 70 days spent at the hospital, the time when you probably needed me the most. I am sorry baby, I am so sorry.

I am trying so hard to be thankful for the wonderful blessing of having you in my life and not to grieve all of the times that we won't get to share together. This is much easier said than done. These last two weeks have been pretty tough, it feels like things have gotten worse. I am haunted by the memories of when you were sick. I am desperately trying to refrain from trying to understand and not to question God's plan in all of this, but it is hard. This experience has rocked me to the core. Everywhere I turn, something reminds me of you and I just well up with neverending tears. I am trying to rest in his peace while my heart shatters in a million pieces. I wish I could just fast forward to the end so I could see how this all unravels, to see the greater good that will come of this tragedy.

You would have turned eleven months old this week. If you are anything like your siblings, you would have probably been walking already. I imagined the fun times we would be having together. I wasn't ready to give up these moments with you. I have been haunted by the images and memories of my last day with you before you went to the hospital. I would have done things so differently if I knew that those were my last moments with you.

We celebrated Halloween this week. I imagined what your Halloween costume would have been. When you were sick, I had it all figured out. We would dress you kids with a Wizard of Oz theme. Your brothers could have been the Lion and the Scarecrow. Your sister would have made a beautiful Dorothy, especially in red sparkly shoes. You Jeremy, well you would have been the Tin Man. You needed a new heart my sweet baby. Jeremy, I wanted you to be here to sit in the Halloween bowl, playing with the bags and wrappers of the candy. I wanted to leave you behind with your grandparents to give out candy to the neighborhood kids, so we could trick or treat with your siblings. Instead, I am left to feel so far away from you. I have never felt so lost in my whole life. All of our usual traditions just don't fit anymore. I can't enjoy them totally because you are missing. I can't help but to miss you and what happiness you would have brought to and shared with our family on these special days.

Your birthday is coming up at the end of this month. I have been busy planning a blood drive to honor and celebrate your life. I couldn't think of any better way to celebrate your life than to give life to someone else. I can't change what happened to you baby, but I can choose to positively change someone else's life . While I know what I am doing is helping someone else, it hurts. I would really love to be planning a first birthday celebration for you AND planning a blood drive.

I am tired sweet baby. I am actually afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid that I will dream about you when you were healthy. I am afraid that I will see you in my dreams the way I think you should be, only to wake up and realize that it isn't true. I am afraid I will have to relive the nightmare of when you were taken from me and your death again. It's too much to bear.

Everywhere I go, I see you. It just doesn't seem possible that you're really gone. I will NEVER forget you my love. The moments I have shared with you, every one, have been permanently etched in my heart. Forever.

Jeremy I was caught up in a miracle of a different kind. One that sure felt very possible at the time. I know you still have a miracle story to tell me about someday. I can only imagine that is much sweeter than any story that I have ever heard. I can't wait to hear it.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I haven't let go Jeremy. If anything, I've come running faster and harder toward God. My God who gives and takes away and who had the power to heal you but didn't. I pray tonight for his peace that passes all understanding and for the image of you in heaven to be so overhwhelmingly beautiful, that I can, even just for a moment, not hurt so badly.

So I send my love to you Jeremy on Angel's Wings. Sweet dreams little man.

Love,
Mommy