Five Grateful Souls

I think I can speak for my entire family when I say we are thankful for so much in our lives. We are richly blessed and can recognize each and every blessing, no matter how great or how small the gift. The trouble is that the grief and sadness we feel living without Jeremy can overwhelm us at times and cloud our vision and feelings of gratitude. We appreciate life so much differently now. God gives us the miracle of this very moment in time, today, nothing more.

Many people have blessed us with the gift of sharing the ways in which Jeremy has made an impact on their lives. We have treasured reading those e-mails and letters and they have provided our family with such comfort. I imagine they will continue to do so for a long time.

We are resting quietly tonight on the eve of Thanksgiving. I realized that it isn't just the holiday itself, it's the family traditions that come along with it that are agonizing my soul. My family traditions have changed over the years but mostly for good reasons. I have fond memories of holiday times growing up and naturally I want the same thing for my children. Trouble , I can't begin to fathom what tomorrow will bring. . . We have chosen to embrace the day and whatever comes with it. I am fearful of the whole in my heart and the magnitude of the pain that I am anticipating. I've read that the anticipation of the painful days is often worse than the day, but I haven't found that to be true myself, at least not yet anyway.

Many people simply follow along with those family traditions that are so special. I have heard many different ways of celebrating the holiday this week. I'll admit it, I am a slight bit jealous.

I am jealous because I desire a day filled with peace, happiness, and fond memories to be remembered. Our first Thanksgiving without Jeremy begins in less than 12 hours. I don't know what to really expect. I KNOW it will be hard. It will be hard for a number of reasons but mostly because the history of our family has changed permanently. We do not have the strength to face the usual holiday traditions without Jeremy. We do not have the strength to face the day, all the while being haunted by the hopes and dreams that were shattered five months ago. Tomorrow we will rewrite our family history and begin a holiday season with new traditions and new memories created without Jeremy here on earth. This is not what I wanted or planned. I am trying so hard to remember that is not mine to plan. My life and everything in it are gifts from God. I will choose to praise him for what he has given me and what he has taken away. We have chosen to go this path alone and let whatever comes to be, be the way we experience it. We have nothing to conform to and that is freeing. No pressure. . . That unfortunately is painful for our extended family and close friends to watch from the sidelines. They are hurting too. They can't fix this problem. Nothing anyone can say or do will change what has happened. People offer all the time the desire to carry even a little of this burden for us, oh how we wish that were possible, but it isn't. We must face the day head on and just get through it. Our family has been incredibly supporting and understanding and we can't thank them enough, but we need to do this part on our own. If I know anything, the Lord will be with us and he will grant us the mercy and grace we need to make it through the day, just as he has these last few months.


Ephesians 1:16-18 I have not stopped giving thanks to the Lord for you. I remember you in my prayers and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ , the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. I ask that your minds be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.

I will pray tonight that thankful thoughts fill my heart with peace and that the pain subsides for a moment.

For those reading this, please if you would, keep our family close to your heart and in your prayers tomorrow. We ask for prayers of comfort. Please pray that we are filled with thankfulness for Jeremy's life and the gifts that he has left in our hearts forever. Pray that we will see God's glory all around us. Please pray that there will be victory over the evil one who will do his best to win over our minds.