Treading Water

I've been treading water again...

A friend wrote in a card to me "the storms of life can seem so turbulent at times" which is exactly how it has been for us lately.

Most recently, child #3 was hospitalized for a few days with a bad case of pneumonia, asthma, and an ear infection. Needless to say it has been a rough week. It was incredibly scary to be back as an inpatient in the hospital again. It was a constant and unwavering effort to stay focused on the present time and not to let our minds creep back into the scary past. Just the environment of the hospital sent us the most vicious triggers imaginable, but none worse than the beeping and alarming monitors. I had to keep reminding myself, different child, different circumstances, different, different, different.

I needed to "let go" of my fear and stay peaceful knowing that I was doing all that I could to care for my child. I had to let go of my control that he needed others to help me take of him. I needed to let go of my control over the outcome of the situation. I needed to be okay with that loss of control and to trust that the Lord had him in the palm of his hands.

I will not lie and pretend that it was all good and easy to stay calm. Ask any one of the medical staff involved in his care and I'm sure that they could tell you some stories about me. I'm sure they were happy to discharge a child home to recover but they were probably also happy to rid themselves of a worried and anxious parent too. I probably drove them all crazy, I was driving myself crazy.

I sit here today reflecting, did my reactions to the situation show any evidence of growth and change? It is so easy to fall into old patterns. I also think that some of my reactions are instinctual parental responses. I would like to say that I was better, but then again, this situation didn't even come close to the severity of Jeremy's case. Not even close. I have been in therapy since Jeremy passed and I will say that I was able to access some of the tools that I have learned and that they were indeed helpful. At least it was money well spent...

I have become aware of the fact that I can no longer differentiate between my instincts and my anxiety when my children become ill or injured. So I have learned to stop the madness by calling our pediatricians (who thank God are so patient and understanding with me)and let them help me decipher the difference between the two.

I am thankful to be writing this post from the comfort of my own home and happy to report that a full recovery is expected. I am just left to catch up on sleep, the many loads of laundry, and the effects of not being home for a few days. Most moms can relate to how quickly things can spiral out of control in a house when you don't keep up with the work. It all just piles up and waits for your return.

I am grateful to be on the other side of this most recent storm and to be recovering from it's wrath. I am also once again reflecting on just how quickly life can change. I am pausing to think about how very little control we have over certain situations in life. What a ride...For today I will allow myself some peaceful moments to watch the snow fall and to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life.