Mistake

Not a good idea to time travel into the past...at least not into painful places.

I made the mistake of opening our Caring Bridge site. ( I know, I know) It was innocent at first. I had attempted to check in on someone else we have been following and praying for. I typed a letter "J", and Jeremy's name popped up in the window. His name stared me in the face for seconds but it felt like time stood still. I couldn't resist the temptation. I wondered what exactly was happening TWO years ago...what were we facing?????

Click went the mouse of the computer and then... well, let's not recount what happened next and just suffice to say it was a GARGANTUAN mistake!!!!!

I still cannot fully accept what has happened to Jeremy and to our lives. It feels like a horror movie. I want with every fiber of my soul to wake up and see that it was JUST a dream and that it didn't really happen.

Instead, I must face each day knowing that sadly it did happen, it is real, and I must find a way each and every day to cope without my child here on this earth.

Sorry. Real and raw emotion today.

Dear God,

Be near today. I ask you for your mercy and grace. Jeremy's death is heavy and I am weak and oh so very tired. Help me Lord, for I feel lost to the world. This is beyond what any human heart can comprehend. Help me Lord to relinquish the desire to understand Jeremy's journey to you Lord. I want so much to surrender it ALL to you... I wish to be at peace and confident that I may never understand on this side. My eyes cannot see what you see Lord. You are good, all knowing and all loving. You took Jeremy out of darkness and into the light of a life lived eternal with You. You are bigger than this hurt and pain. Cover up this world Lord. Cover up everything I know. Cover my heart and my soul. Cover me Lord with Your Love and Grace. Jeremy is not missing, he is only absent from this world. Cover my thoughts and take these painful images of Jeremy suffering and replace them with his life healed and perfect in every way. Cover my heart with all things of You Lord. Cover up this hurt and pain. I am seeking Your face and Your peace. Amen.