endings

Pausing today to think about many of the endings that are present in my life this week. Some come with warning and some do not. Some are welcomed and some are not.(I am sounding a bit like Seuss...insert lighthearted pause into heavy thoughts)

This week two more children finished school for the year. Ahh, the official start of summer, never mind what the seasonal calendar says. If you'll indulge me, the last child, the youngest, well he graduated LIFE with honors. Major life events have and always will trigger powerful emotions within my soul as I continue to grieve what could have/would have been for Jeremy. They each signify another event that we will never experience with Jeremy. Each individual event beckons our full attention to the current place in time, but my heart can't help but to wander to a place in my imagination where I wonder for just a moment...what if??? What would our family snapshot look like now if he were here on this earth?

This school year was challenging and yet because of that, yielded great rewards. We couldn't be more happy with the school that our children attend and happen to think that their school experience is unique in many ways and unparalleled to other educational options. All of our children have had amazing teachers that have each left their mark of influence over my children for the rest of their lives. It was a blessing to have each of them become a part of my children's lives. So when the tears flowed on Friday of this week and Wednesday of last week, they were mostly evidence of the emotions of pride, love, gratitude, and joy. Honestly last week's tears at the Closing Chapel of our third child, evoked many more emotions but some of those feelings I will keep in my personal vault for now. It was overall a school year that was filled with academic, emotional, and spiritual growth for all.

Little one graduating life with honor, well that happened this week in history too. What a range of emotion for one Mama's heart. More on that another time, maybe...

If you have been reading here for awhile, you know that I have been watching and enjoying the television series Friday Night Lights for some now. There is just but ONE episode left remaining in the final season. I almost can't bear to watch it. Compared to my life story, this ending really pales in comparison. None the less, I really have enjoyed watching this show and it has allowed me to check out from my real life dramas and offered a desired and valued distraction.

On that note, there are some other much more serious endings happening in my life as well. Endings to things that are very personal to me and also to others that are near and dear to me. They have taken the form of many things. Some are even endings to things in which good things will result, thus perhaps sounding better as CHANGE. When endings are near, maybe certain, maybe not, maybe planned, maybe not, one thing is for certain. It is scary to think of where we might put our next foot down. What will life look like when we pass through this next phase, climb over this mountain, or when this current storm passes? Don't we all crave that sense of perceived control and the security that control provides? Well, guess what? We lack that very sense of control over every aspect of our lives that we so deeply desire. We don't always get what we want. Good things do happen in life, but bad things also happen. Bad things sometimes happen to good people, they happen for no reason at all. Bad things that have no explanation on this side of heaven.

The endings in their sheer number and profound emotion weight this week have caused my stomach to ache a bit and my heart to ache alot. I have allowed the circumstances and not my faith to be in the drivers seat of my feelings in response to these events. Haven't I learned anything?

I took some deep breaths and remembered this quote that has meant something to me for some time now. It is a good one to keep close at heart for now.

“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
-Edward Teller

So I will close tonight knowing that while it might hurt like **** I will find new ground to stand on or new wings with which to fly.

Life is filled with changes. That is a fact of life. Today will not be today tomorrow. Eventually, I will get used to it.