Sunshine on a Snow Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Jeremy's Light Is Shining

This is a new Pound Puppy. Someone very special gave Jeremy one of these while he was in the hospital and it never left his side other than to be cleaned. He had other animals that would stand in his place but they just weren't the same. Jeremy loved to hold onto the dog's ears and it comforted him a great deal. Maybe, just maybe, another baby in the PICU would love to have one too. Jeremy had a special bond with the person who gave him this little dog. Sending our love to you tonight. . .always.

I am way too tired and I just can't seem to get these next two shots to rotate in the correct direction. Anyway, the first shows some of the items for the Children's House.
This photo shows a closeup of the sunshine toys we found. You know me and sunshines! The ring toy in the background was also one of Jeremy's favorite toys.


I wanted to share some of the ways that we have been share Jeremy's sunshine with the children and their families at the PICU and at the Children's House . Let me tell you, helping others in need has powerful healing effects on the grieving heart. We could never do this alone. God has walked closely by our side, guiding us, holding us up, and even carrying us when needed. It is also because of our prayer warriors. Without their generosity and compassion, we would be unable to deliver this much sunshine at once. Our gratitude is unending! We smile and feel Jeremy's love shining down on us all. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We thank those of you who have been on this journey from the beginning of the road and we thank those who have recently learned about us and have jumped aboard to help.

We could not believe the love, support, and compassion that we felt surrounding us while Jeremy was hospitalized. It made a tremendous difference in our ability to cope with the circumstances we faced, circumstances that are every parent's worst nightmare. We were very fortunate and blessed to feel that love just when we needed it most. While we would never wish this painful journey on anyone, everyone should experience this kind of love in their lifetime. Believe me when I say that this is the way God intended it to be in the world. This is the way God loves each and every one of us, unconditionally. Well now it is our turn to give back, to love someone else like Jesus, to help those amazing programs continue to exist and do what whatever we can to help other children and families who need to feel loved and cared for during their times of struggle. We will use all the strength we have to let our light shine for the world to see and to warm the hearts of those that are hurting and suffering through some of the more difficult or darkest hours of their lifetime.

We are currently working on setting up a non-profit foundation to officially allow us to continue our work supporting the PICU and the Children's House. There is much to do to help others in the world but these two organizations are near and dear to our hearts, and always will be. We will let you all know when that work has been completed. Our heartfelt thanks goes out to our attorney and to our accountant for all of their hard work, we so appreciate your help!

We have prayed many times for the Lord to guide us in the direction that he wants us to follow. I hope and pray I have heard his message to me and that our actions are bringing glory to his name.

We are so excited and proud to begin a Tissue Fund at the hospital. I am determined to provide soft tissues for the parents and families of children in the PICU. I myself cried many tears and always appreciated soft, good quality tissues. I am so happy to be able to do my part to ensure that other Mommies and Daddies have them too. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Trader Joe's donated a case of pocket tissues to this cause. I also received several packs of Kleenex and Puffs to Go from our many Prayer Warriors. Who knew that tissues could make people cry? I came home the other day and my dear Mother In Law delivered several hundred additional packs and the FED Ex man delivered another yet another case on my porch compliments of dear friends and Prayer Warriors. I am humbled each and every time. Thank you. . . I'll keep you posted on how this goes. If anyone else wishes to participate in this program, we will gladly accept pocket sized tissues and/or monetary donations to purchase the tissues.

Over the holidays many of our Prayer Warriors helped us by shopping from the wish lists from the PICU Child Life Department and the Children's House. We have four children and for there to be gifts for all four of our children at Christmas was heartwarming. All grieving parents want their child to be remembered and never forgotten. It really doesn't take much to make me cry anymore. I cried tears of joy as we delivered these much needed items. I know what they will mean to each person that will receive these gifts.

In the early part of December, you may recall that a Blood Drive and Bake Sale was held to celebrate Jeremy's first birthday. Well we raised a little over $900 dollars. We prayed about how to use that money to benefit critically ill children and their families in the PICU. As you may know, music has played a rather large and important role in this journey. I'll talk more in detail about this later in a later post. For now, as a start, we purchased six portable CD players and 27 new CDs for the babies and children to listen to in the unit. We proudly placed a sunshine sticker on every last one to honor our precious Jeremy.

Here's a breakdown. . .only to share with you the amazing abundance of God's grace and blessings upon us. I also want you to see how the money that was raised at the bake sale was spent. There are still funds that will be used for other things that I'll explain later.

PICU:
3 bouncy seats
mobile
18 infant/toddler type toys
Webkins
Stuffed Animals
Wubanubs
several sets of Disposable sippy cups
27 new CDs
38 DVD's
Scene It Games Disney Cartoons and Disney Channel Shows
6 portable CD players
toiletry bags for parents to freshen up
tissues :)

Children's House:
hand mixer
blender
various easy to prepare meals and snacks
office supplies
board games
gladware/ziplocs
phone cards
disposable cameras
foil
bath towels
kitchen towels
pot holders/oven mitts
dish cloths

IS THIS AMAZING OR WHAT?????? I am crying as I type this for I am filled with such gratitude.

While I am honored to be able to do this for the families who are walking difficult journey's, I'll admit that it still hurts. I would like to believe that I would have still been this person giving back even if Jeremy's life here on earth was saved and he were here snuggled up in my arms. I don't think I would ever put him down. I thankfully have eternity to hold him. . . someone help my heart remember that today, here and now. . . I still wish none of this happened. I close my eyes and the images of the hospital are so vivid and clear. It's almost as if it happened yesterday.
Jeremy is one of many patients that have been cared for in the PICU. We think the world of those folks and have even adopted them as our PICU family. If any of you are reading this, catch the big hug coming right at you. We miss you and plan to visit soon.

With a Most Grateful Heart,
Amy

More of Him

My heart wants more time tonight. More time to hold my sweet precious baby. More time to memorize his face and to get lost in the moment with him. More time to enjoy him while he was healthy and happy. Just more of him period. If I close my eyes, I can remember the way he smelled and how it felt to have him in my arms.

I am sad tonight and tears are flowing. I miss him so much. Memories are flowing like rapids on a river. Some images of his days in the hospital but mostly ones of our time here at home. It still seems so unbelievable that this really happened.

I was shoveling snow tonight and couldn't help to think that how Jeremy would never even see or know what snow feels like. I found myself wondering if there is snow in heaven too? Winter is a time for snuggling those that you love. I see Mommies holding their babies and my arms feel oddly empty.

I get lost in awe of my other children but sometimes even that hurts because I am painfully reminded of the times that I will never share with Jeremy here on earth.

I am in awe of the seasons changing and time moving forward but my heart still wants to stay in the past.

Please pray for us all. The pain is still so great. Pray that we can stay focused on remembering the love we did share together as a family and can look ahead of the time when we will all be reunited. I pray that God fills my emptiness with his glory. I ask protection for my heart to be free from the guilt that attempts to fill every crevice. Satan is at work to fuel the questions that fill my mind and swirl endlessly. "if only I had taken him to the hospital sooner. . . Why didn't I see the signs that he was so sick?" I seek God's mighty armor to protect me from these unproductive thoughts. Jeremy's life was complete. He fulfilled his purpose on earth and his life was perfect in the eyes of the Lord. I wish to be able to have that same perspective at all times. I did nothing wrong. I am not being punished for my sins on this earth. I too am a child of God and he will take care of me. I will be okay no matter what. He will restore goodness to my soul.

I spent a few moments pondering the verse in the book of Ephesians 1: 13-23 . Verses 18-19 stuck out to me. "I ask that your minds may be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people and how very great is his power at work in us who believe. " I believe. I hope. I am honored to bring his name glory even within this valley of great pain and suffering. I will hold steady and look or his light to shine in me and through me. I will seek his purpose through this suffering and seek to know in the depths of my soul that God is in control. He will work this out for the greater good. I will be okay.

snow plows and sunshine

I was a little down today and tears were flowing pretty steadily. It doesn't really take much these days.

I was driving my daughter home from school and I couldn't help but to notice this huge gigantic snow plow to my left stopped at a traffic light. Funny thing was, there was no snow on the ground today. In fact there isn't even any snow in the forecast. It is certainly cold enough for snow but there is none to be found, at least not here anyway. What I saw next made me smile. There was a bungee cord strapped to the front of the plow. A very large yellow Care Bear was strapped to the front of the plow. You guessed it, there was a huge sunshine on his belly. You don't see that every day!

Came home... tears still flowing intermittently. Went to the mailbox and was delivered two very sweet and thoughtful messages. The timing was perfect, another dose of sunshine just when I needed it.

Called one friend to thank her for the generosity shown to my family. Oldest due home from school any minute... walked to the front door to check. I saw the most amazing thing. Coming down the hill and now facing me straight on was that very same snow plow! The same yellow Care Bear with a sunshine still on his belly. No snow on my street, just sunshine!!!

Okay Jeremy! Mommy will smile today...


Hope you can find a little sunshine tonight too.

Seven

Seven. Jeremy went to live with Jesus seven months ago. There are countless ways that our life had changed since then.

I could "sense" the date getting closer. It's strange but very true. The sun was shining bright that day and the sky was a beautiful color of blue. I was outside with my youngest playing in the yard. I sat down on one of the balls in the yard and started to pray. I prayed for God to heal my broken heart. When Jeremy was sick in the hospital there were countless times when we felt the presence of the Lord around us. I needed to feel that same presence and not just have blind faith. I selfishly asked him for a sign that he indeed was with me and that he heard my prayers. I also sought assurance that Jeremy was okay. After all, I am still just like all other Moms. I was checking in to see how he was doing. I know he is safe with Jesus in heaven but it was just like all of the other times when you are out and your kids are home with a great babysitter that you totally trust. It's just a Mom thing to check in. God was there... I did feel peace that moment.

It was definitely a hard day. Many memories and a broken heart. We went through a milestone experience with our oldest son and yet again faced the truth that we would never have that same moment with Jeremy. God was there at that moment. He gave me a way for Jeremy to be a part of that memory in a different way. It was amazing for me to see the way God worked that out for me.

Later, I was able to spend some "Jeremy Time"working on my Tissue fund. Let me explain.
I am a crier!! While Jeremy was at the hospital I can't begin to tell you how many boxes of tissues I used. Now don't get me wrong I was grateful for the tissues, every single box. The only thing was they weren't the best tissues. They were small, one ply, and scratchy. Those qualities just don't mix well with eyes that have unending tears, that are puffy, and irritated. The one ply didn't get me far either. I think there were times that I literally used the whole box in a matter of minutes just because they didn't absorb a thing. This is not meant to be a complaint. Again, I was grateful for the tissues that I was graciously given. Thank you.

It was there in the PICU that I made a promise to myself during those months. No matter how Jeremy's story ended, I would return to that unit with tissues in hand. Not just any tissues, but soft ones that could stand up to the tears that are shed in that place. So I've been at work. I've
shopped around looking for the best price. I need the pocket tissue packs. They are the most appropriate choice for various reasons. Most importantly, they can be carried around at all times. You move around a lot while your child is a patient in the PICU. These tissues can join you in your child's room, then to the many waiting rooms while procedures are being done, they can roam the halls with you as you update family and friends, stay in your pocket as you pray in front of the statue, and are always accessible no matter where you are. Life is certainly unpredictable there in the PICU. Anyway, I began contacting large chains of stores to see about ordering cases of these tissues. I have no insider information on paper supplies, I'm just a regular consumer looking for the best price. I want to get the largest amount of tissues for the best price to enable me to help the most families I can in the PICU. God was there at that moment too. The first store I called generously donated our first case of tissues. I was speechless to say the least. Needless to say, that was a hefty dose of sunshine for me that day!

So if you live in our area, be sure to stop in to Trader Joe's and thank Dan. I have always loved shopping at Trader Joe's but now they have a special place in my heart too. Thank you Trader Joe's for allowing me to have the opportunity to give back to such a great cause and to help so many families who need a little compassion in their lives right now. Your generosity will touch many hurting hearts just when they need it the most.

Oh Boy! Trader Joe's won't know what has hit them when all of Jeremy's Prayer Warriors show up in their store! :) (okay, so I've learned something new and I'll pass it along to all of you. See this little mark :) It's a smile if you look sideways. ) If you already knew that tidbit of knowledge, just ignore me as I learn to be more tech savvy! :)

This week has given me many moments that took my breath away and it takes awhile to recover. More to come later...stay tuned.

P.S. FYI the way these posts look on my page and the way they publish sometimes look totally different. If any of you out there know how to fix that, please let me know. Thanks.

Joy Without a Hole

****Update.
I knew there was more, I just didn't know at the time what it was. As it turns out there is even more significance to the scripture verse than I had first thought. If you notice, it mentions that the sun will be SEVEN times brighter. . . well tomorrow will be seven months since Jeremy went to his home in heaven with Jesus. We would appreciate your prayers tomorrow. It's still so very painful to remember all of the events that have happened to Jeremy and our family and what has become of our family since then. I will work hard to keep the scripture mentioned in this post close to my heart tomorrow and remember that the hurt that lives in my soul will be healed ...someday....


I've soaked up some rays over the last two days. Something is trying to surface but at the present time,I'm still not sure I've absorbed the whole message. There have been plenty of distractions with us all being sick and then the back to school routine these last two days. I may need to update an Ah-Hah moment at a later time.

Life goes on. . . for us and for everyone around us. That's life. It doesn't mean that I have to like it, it is just a fact of the matter. I'll say in rather generic terms that there are some happy events happening in the lives of other people we know and are close to. I feel a sense of utter joy and elation for them as they receive these blessings from God. I honestly couldn't be happier for them , really. However, I can't help the other feelings that have also bubbled up along with that happiness. Maybe it's Satan working hard to get in my way again. Anyway, my husband and I were discussing these events happening around us.

Disclaimer**** Please read this with a compassionate and open heart and mind. Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, please try hard to understand and not judge. After all, we are meant to encourage one another not judge one another. To my friends, please accept my true happiness for you. Please also try to understand where my heart is at the present time and that I am a work in progress. Aren't we all? I also want you to know that this post in NO WAY releases you from sharing joyful times with me in the future. I want and still need that part of my friendships.
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I'll admit. I along with happiness I am also sad. I am even maybe a little jealous. Most of all, I REMEMBER. I remember that feeling of just sheer joy without any holes. No holes where joy could leak out. I felt that joy on monumental days in my life like my wedding and the birth of my four children. I even felt that same sheer joy on regular, normal, everyday moments too, just being home with my family and friends enjoying the blessings of life. It's different now. VERY DIFFERENT. Since I lost Jeremy, I fear that whole complete joy will NEVER return. Sure, we could list lots of fabulous experiences that we could potentially have in our lifetime, but "today", I can't see how they will ever provide that same sense of complete joy. In my mind, that complete joy would and could exist if we could experience those things with Jeremy and our other children, family intact. But broken, well today, I can see happiness on the horizon, but not complete and full joy.

I woke up this morning and I talked to a friend, a grieving mother too. She listened as I shared these thoughts with her. I felt better letting it out. She understands.

I want that joy back. I want to believe that joy is possible again in this lifetime, not just in heaven when all is made perfect again and our family is reunited. My heart just can't seem to see how that is possible. I have a hole in my heart that is permanent. No one and nothing can ever fill it. I know Jesus can heal that hurt from the hole that was left when Jeremy died, but he can't take it away. He can't now.

Later in the day, okay, much later, I finally got to my devotional. Any guesses what it said today? AMAZING... I felt like God was telling me again. "Amy, why didn't you just come to me with this first? I could have saved you the trouble of thinking about it all day." Here's the answer I got. You interpret as you wish...

Scripture from Isaiah 30:26
The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter than usual, like the light of seven days in one. This will all happen when the Lord bandages and heals the wounds he has given his people.

Did you get that bandages and HEALS? The author of the devotional goes on to encourage us to cling to God' promise of light in the dark times of our lives. She points out that sometimes the darkness is not only because of our external circumstances but can also come from within. It can come from having an outlook that doubts or has internal gloom. ( Ah EM, head bowed okay. That's what I'm doing)

I am doubting that God can fill a whole this big in my heart. I know he is with me and that he will not let me fall. But...Do I really trust him to HEAL a hurt this big though??? Work in progress.

The author then goes on to say, let go of the bright memories of our past. Instead, we should rather fill our minds with hope. Hope of glorious sun shining days to come, all with the help of God.

I will rest my weary head soaking in that scripture. I will do my best to awaken in morning light with a willingness to begin believing that I really will find my sunshine again and that all things are indeed possible with God. He can restore that complete joy in my heart.

If you are blessed to feel that complete joy in your life right now, be thankful with all your heart, mind, and soul. Don't take a moment of it for granted. Step back, take time to soak up the sunshine, for these gifts are from him alone. If you have a hole and walk this journey with me, let's walk in his light together until we find that joy again.

It's Monday. We are making a sudden return to a "normal" schedule. Back to having to keep time and a schedule. I have enjoyed relaxing a bit on routines and having to be in that rush mode so much of the time.

For today, the laundry in done. It took me all weekend to catch up on that task. Meals have been planned for the week and the necessary groceries have been purchased. The Christmas decorations have been taken down and put away. I am hoping that by being organized and prepared from the Mom side of things, I can help to make it a smooth week. I also know that it can all fall apart in two minutes flat.

Thanks for all of the prayers, cards, e-mails, and well wishes during the season. It really did make a difference. We feel so bad that we cannot respond to each and every one personally. Please know that we read every comment, e-mail, and letter and soak up the words of encouragement. Please keep the rays of sunshine coming our way!

My prayer today as we enter another school week is to see God's glory in my life and to "embrace the moment" amidst the craziness. I will look for the moments that count and get lost in them as if I want to memorize everything I can about that second in time. Won't you join me?