More of Him

My heart wants more time tonight. More time to hold my sweet precious baby. More time to memorize his face and to get lost in the moment with him. More time to enjoy him while he was healthy and happy. Just more of him period. If I close my eyes, I can remember the way he smelled and how it felt to have him in my arms.

I am sad tonight and tears are flowing. I miss him so much. Memories are flowing like rapids on a river. Some images of his days in the hospital but mostly ones of our time here at home. It still seems so unbelievable that this really happened.

I was shoveling snow tonight and couldn't help to think that how Jeremy would never even see or know what snow feels like. I found myself wondering if there is snow in heaven too? Winter is a time for snuggling those that you love. I see Mommies holding their babies and my arms feel oddly empty.

I get lost in awe of my other children but sometimes even that hurts because I am painfully reminded of the times that I will never share with Jeremy here on earth.

I am in awe of the seasons changing and time moving forward but my heart still wants to stay in the past.

Please pray for us all. The pain is still so great. Pray that we can stay focused on remembering the love we did share together as a family and can look ahead of the time when we will all be reunited. I pray that God fills my emptiness with his glory. I ask protection for my heart to be free from the guilt that attempts to fill every crevice. Satan is at work to fuel the questions that fill my mind and swirl endlessly. "if only I had taken him to the hospital sooner. . . Why didn't I see the signs that he was so sick?" I seek God's mighty armor to protect me from these unproductive thoughts. Jeremy's life was complete. He fulfilled his purpose on earth and his life was perfect in the eyes of the Lord. I wish to be able to have that same perspective at all times. I did nothing wrong. I am not being punished for my sins on this earth. I too am a child of God and he will take care of me. I will be okay no matter what. He will restore goodness to my soul.

I spent a few moments pondering the verse in the book of Ephesians 1: 13-23 . Verses 18-19 stuck out to me. "I ask that your minds may be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people and how very great is his power at work in us who believe. " I believe. I hope. I am honored to bring his name glory even within this valley of great pain and suffering. I will hold steady and look or his light to shine in me and through me. I will seek his purpose through this suffering and seek to know in the depths of my soul that God is in control. He will work this out for the greater good. I will be okay.