Dear Jeremy,
I am missing you sweet son of mine. I am still finding this whole situation so hard to believe. Some days it is just too much to bear. I am living the life that I have always feared. I am living a parent's worst nightmare. I keep waking up wishing that this was all a bad dream only to realize that it wasn't. I see your angelic face on this very computer screen and I just want so badly to just be able to hold you.
I am missing your place in this family in the midst of everything that we do. As I watched your brothers wrestle around on the floor tonight , I wondered what you would have been doing if you were here. If I close my eyes and just let myself go to that place, I can see you standing there with that special smile of yours. I can imagine you just giggling with joy watching your siblings. I can imagine that at 18 months old, you would be joining in on the fun and I would be reminding your older brothers to be taking it easy on you. Oh how my heart aches to see you learning and growing alongside of your siblings. I loved this age with your siblings. I have spent a lot time this week pondering what you would be like at this age.
We went for a walk in between raindrops and I ran into several people that I grew up with that I haven't seen for a long time. It was hard to catch up and talk about where this ride of life has taken us all, knowing all the while, that the conversation about how many kids we all have would eventually come up. I told them about you...they already knew about you, but didn't know that you were my son. That was hard. I watched all of the kids running around having a good time and my heart wanted to burst just wishing that it was possible for you to be here running all around with them too. I found myself in that same mode of panic as I watched them playing in the yard. I was counting my kids to make sure everyone was safe and I kept getting to the number three. It still felt wrong. A panic still settles into my soul that someone is missing.
Jeremy, you may be missing from my arms, but you are far from lost. You have made your journey home to your forever home with Jesus. You are safe in His care. I just wish my heart would fully accept that.
I wore the shirt with your picture on it this weekend. It was the same shirt that I wore the very day that you ran your "marathon" off of the ventilator. I remember that day so vividly. I was feeling so proud of you and so hopeful of where we would land. I never thought we would land here... Anyway, I also found out this weekend that another PICU friend of yours did not make it and is among your angel friends now. It made me feel sad.
I have been feeling frustrated for the last few days. It seems that I should have better memory skills than I currently have. I seem to remember and visualize things that I wish I would never have known. However, I am also having trouble retrieving memories and data that I want to remember. It is so frustrating. You were only mine here on earth for six months. I want to remember every single second and not miss anything. Sadly, that isn't the case. My mind seems to be acting in a way to protect me from the horrors of this situation.
This time of year has been a lot harder than I expected. We remember such tough times from last year. I even remember the smell of the air. It smelled like hope. I just can't seem to understand that that you have been with Jesus this long...it feels like an eternity since I have held you, yet it feels like yesterday all at the same time. I guess that is in some part due to the fact that it is so hard to move on and keep going without you.
I just feel so very, very, far away from you. It is an unnatural feeling for a Mom. Someone near and dear to us, and to you, was away on a business trip recently. His family was eager for his return and for their lives to return to normal. Tears were streaming down my face as I listened to his wife telling me about how excited she was for his return. My heart was feeling like "yes" I am ready for Jeremy to come home too. Some days I would give anything to just have the chance to bring you home and for our lives to return to our normal. This cross is heavy. Some days I just want to put it down to rest, but I can't. We have been called to this journey and while it is painful, ever so painful, it is what God has chosen for us. You are there in heaven now and I am here with your Daddy and your siblings. God has a plan for us all. No promise for tomorrows only today. I will continue to do my best to trust that His plan is good and that he has a purpose for me here. I will choose to find the sunshine that He creates every day. I will soar with pride that I have the privilege of being your Mommy. I will one day see the whole story.
Until then, as you soar with the other angels, know that we all love you and miss you.
Love,
Mommy
1 comment:
Sweet friend,
You were again on my mind a lot this past few days. Maybe as a result of our phone conversation. Maybe in preparation for the 41 cards of encouragement I am preparing for your gift bags. Maybe, just maybe, it's that Holy Spirit again reminding me to pray for the broken- hearted. It could be the fact that Saturday night I also found myself up at the computer at 1 AM, tears streaming down my face as I remembered and missed my best friend who passed away almost 7 years ago. Nothing close to losing a child, so I can't even BEGIN to imagine the daily pain and suffering you face knowing Jeremy is no longer with you. However, like you, spring tends to be a rough time of year for me as I near the anniversary of her sudden death, remembering all the fun we used to have in the warm days of summer. I tried to work through my struggle to "remember", as you talked about, by writing in a journal that I have dedicated solely to the purpose of stories and memories of my Andrea. Why, oh why, did the enemy only bring back so vividly those final days she spent in the ICU, hooked up to tubes and wires while she slipped away from us? I put my journal away, hoping some rest would help me feel better and mend that broken heart, missing my dear sweet friend. When the lights went out and the darkness fell, the tears began their silent stream down my face. I didn't see the need to wake my sleeping husband so I slipped downstairs to write an email to one of my dearest friends, who happened to be her fiance at the time of Andrea's death. While I struggled to see the screen through my tears, I began to pray and ask God for peace. The questions came one after the other as I grappled to understand.
"Why, Lord, why? She was only 24! A young mother, leaving her precious little girl behind in this world without a mom."
"Why, Lord, why? Her life was just beginning to turn around. She was finding happiness and joy, something she struggled to find in this life time."
"Why, Lord, why? She was so precious to us. I get so lonely for her. I can still hear her laughter lighting up the room."
"Why, Lord, why? After 7 years does my heart ache for her so? I long to pick up the phone and call her, hoping and praying she will be home."
The answer that came was this. She IS home. You are not! I know this life hurts at times. I know you are challenged day by day with the things the enemy puts in your path. Pain and suffering are not of Me, my child. I do not wish these things on you or will them to happen. It is the simple reality of living outside of the beautiful garden I designed for you. You are homesick simply because you are not home. When you are longing for those you have lost to return home to you, remember, I am longing for YOU to return to me. They are already home, where they should be. When you feel like you hate your life, it's ok. The enemy wants you to feel that I have abandoned you, have taken all that you love and hold close. Just remember, he wants your anguish and pain to lead you away from Me. He wants you to live forever outside of my grace. But I will give you a sneak preview to the end...he has already lost! I am bigger, I am stronger, I am truth. I can conquer any lies the enemy fills your heart with. I can, and will, bring YOU home when it's time.
When you feel your family is missing one, remember your real family is in your heavenly home. When the enemy tries to steal your joy, reminding you of the things Jeremy misses out on, remember he is lacking nothing. When you wake up with that feeling of dread, wishing this were all a dream, remember the real dream come true is but a breath away. Though your days here seem long, separated from your precious child, they will seem but a wink compared to the eternity we will spend in the presence of the almighty. When you feel you are living the life you feared most, rebuke the power of the enemy and tell him he hasn't won your soul. It still, and always, belongs to your Lord and Savior. No matter what life brings.
Sweet, Amy, I know my words mean so little in all of your trials. I'm sure you read them and the enemy tries to make you doubt the promises the spirit brings. He prowls the earth in search of those who serve and love the Lord...why would he need to win the following of those who don't, they are right where he wants them. As I read your entries I get such a clear picture in my head of where you are. It's like you are standing on a thin tight rope, Satan on one side and Jesus on the other. It's a spiritual battle for your soul. They fight over you, God's child and most prized possession, like a puppet on a string. The enemy, especially, loves to kick you when you are down. Don't let him, sweet child. Don't let him!!! He may take everything precious from you but he can't take YOU from the grasp of your savior. He holds you tight with His nail scarred hands, angels surrounding you, kicking Satan's butt!!! :) Sorry, couldn't resist that image as it makes me laugh! I use Satan as my target in my kickboxing class for that very reason!!
In the mean time, prepare for YOUR homecoming. Invite your loved ones and friends to join. Share His love with them so they will know the truth that will set them free. Keep being that witness he is counting on you to be so we can throw the biggest homecoming party when our service here is through! I don't know about you, but as I lose more and more loved ones, I get more and more excited to join them in paradise. As a friend of mine says when she faces the death of a loved one, "Boy, heaven is looking better and better every day! I sure can't wait to get there with all the great people who are already there!" Not to mention the wonder and splendor of our Almighty, seated on His throne with His robes filling the temple!
In His grace and mercy,
Julie
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!" 2 Corinthians 4:17&18
Post a Comment