Dear Jeremy,
Oh, how I miss you sweet son of mine. My heart is heavy tonight.
I guess it is just that time of year. I am remembering so much about our life as a family of six and what you went through last year. I am feeling like my life just slipped through the cracks of my very fingertips. How does that happen? I keep praying that my mind will stop searching for the answers to the millions of "why's" in my mind and that my heart will continue to move toward acceptance of the reality that our family is apart for now.
Every day there are painful reminders of what could have been... we attended a picnic tonight and I saw children that are the age you would have been today if you were alive. I saw families playing together and thought of the joy it would have brought to have those moments with you. I heard Dads and Moms dividing their attention among the older kids and the younger kids in their families.... that was us too! Why won't your mommy's heart fully accept and understand that you are in a better place with Jesus. Why does my heart still hurt so deeply...
I feel like an amputee, my arms ache to just hold you. When I look at pictures of you, they seem to come alive as I remember each and every detail of your earthly body. I can almost
still smell your sweet skin up against mine. Your brothers and sisters are changing and growing in their earthly bodies. Your picture remains the same. I do like to think that your soul continues to change the world...
Your oldest brother is learning about the human body and the organs in school. Needless to say, this has brought up a lot of questions about you. We have done our best job to answer them but golly, these are conversations that I never dreamed of having with a seven year old. He wants to know what happened first, did your heart stopped beating or did you stop breathing ? He wants to know why we buried you. He wants to know when Jesus will perform a miracle and bring you back to life?
We attended your sisters Ballet recital last weekend. We cried. We were so proud of her and the way she has grown up so much. She was beautiful. Then we realized that we would never see you perform an end of the year celebration of any kind. No soccer, no cub scouts, no basketball, no drama, no graduations, etc... my heart broke again and again. It is painful to realize the depths of the of the loss of the dreams yet to come. Then one song really got to me, "You'll Be In My Heart Forever" by Phil Collins. Tears streamed down my face and your father's as well.
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but,deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
Cause what do they know
We need each other,to have, to hold
They'll see in time I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know we'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
I am having difficulty sleeping again. I have nightmares, but sadly, when I wake up they are true. You are still gone... gone from my arms, from our house, from our family photos. One thing is certain, Jeremy you will never be gone from our hearts.
I made a photo collage tonight to take to a memorial service tomorrow. I still cannot fully believe that we are a family that does that sort of thing. I will attend. I will attend to honor your life and the way it changed me.
I love you Jeremy. Thank you son for the lessons that you have taught me.
Until we meet again,
Love and Kisses,
Mommy
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I was talking with a family friend yesterday who has been going through treatment for cancer since last year. I think I have mentioned her before as I am close with her 16 year old daughter. As we waited for Grace to come home from school, I had a chance to sit and talk with Becky, her mom, which I hadn't done in several months. Basically, because she has been out of work for several months, they can hold her position as a county librarian, however, when she returns she will be assigned to a different location than she worked before. Grace said to her mom, "Just think! You can work at a new library with all new people and nobody there will even know you had cancer." That's the mindset this 16 year old is living....if only we can erase this past year and just pretend none of this ever happened, life could go on as "normal". She wants to pick up, move forward, and pretend the cancer never entered her life, changing things so drastically. Her world has been rocked. Her calm, quiet, happy existence has been shattered by this evil cancer that has placed a dark cloud over them and changed so much about every aspect of their lives. What she hasn't realized yet, is that this is her new normal. This is part of the life that was mapped out for her. Rather than running from it, trying to erase it, and forget all about it, she will and does continue through it. Time will heal her wounds, grow her up, and mend the core of her being that has been broken and is being mended. Being broken is never easy, but we need it oh so much!
As I struggled with this very feeling last night during a personal problem of my own, all I could say over and over was, "I wish I were someone else. I just wish I were someone else." Am I the only one that looks around at the blessings so many others have and just wish I could remove myself from all that troubles me and have my life be like "that person's"? They look so happy, so carefree. Why do I have to be plagued with such horrible things and their lives just carry on, oblivious to the pain I feel? Reality check....it's all in my mind! God reminds me on a regular basis to stop and remember that I am who I am and where I am because it is His plan for ME. He doesn't want me to wish for what someone else has...He wants me to grow in the life He has given ME. He also reminds me that just as those people don't have a spy window into my world to see all the troubles and pains that plague me...I don't have one into their worlds to see what they deal with. Nobody has a life free of pain, however, some pains, such as those you are facing, are much larger and pervasive than we ever could imagine!
My heart aches for your pain today as you struggle with the longing to hold your precious son. However, my heart rejoices in your persistence and endurance to continue on through it all. Holding on to the hope and knowledge that Jeremy is in your heart and will someday again be in your arms. I praise God for your decision to glorify Him through your trials rather than attempt to simply "erase" the year from your life, from your memory, from your heart. As much as I am sure you long to be free of it all, as Grace so clearly and bluntly put it, I also know that you hold dear those lessons you are learning through all of this as God continues to grow you. He has broken you to your core and is growing you up into a beautiful child of God. We could never want that part of it all erased! It is the very reason we are here, the very reason we press on.
Hang in there, sweet one. Don't fault yourself for having a hard time accepting this reality you are living. Nobody can expect you
to simply pick up and move on without feeling the pain that goes with it. God does not expect you to erase your pain, He simply longs to hold you while you go through it.
In His grip,
Julie
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