Battle Zone

Greetings from a inpatient pediatric hospital room. :( Also known as the Battle Zone.
If you can bear with me, this post is all over the place, you'll see what I mean by Battle Zone.

We landed here a few days ago after visiting the doctor to find out some better strategies for coping with and managing a little one's asthma. We didn't make it very far into the appointment when they realized that said child's oxygen level wasn't good. Given his previous medical history and the current illness invading his little body, everyone was in agreement that we needed some care that could only be obtained at the hospital.

It's been a whirlwind since then.

Let's start by saying that no one likes to come to the hospital with their child.
It's scary.

Add in the fact that we are grieving parents who have already faced some of the most traumatic experiences in the hospital. Statistics take on a whole other meaning to us now. The "I don't think this is the case but let's rule it out" isn't so reassuring....nothing is ordinary anymore. Nothing is routine. EVERYTHING is scary and has the potential of turning nightmarish. There are triggers from the past that zoom you out of reality and the present in a flash.

Not to get higher up on my soapbox, BUT, add in the fact that we just so happened to come in on the VERY DAY in history that Jeremy got sick and went into cardiac arrest while in my arms, and now we are on overload. It's just too much. We are in a place where triggers are looming with every moment that passes. The strength to rise above them all and keep our heads above water is growing more and more difficult.

It is a battle zone here.

Little one is thankfully stable but taking his good ole time getting better. Longer than we would all like to see given all that is on board with treatment. There have been a few scary moments but all in all, he is stable and responding to treatment at least and not getting worse. Lots of docs have been involved and more in consultation which is reassurring. Truth be told, I'd still not like to be here.

Trying to see sunshine.
Trying to hold to my faith and pray often.
Trying to remain grateful for our gifts even in the midst of the storm.
Trying to reach out to folks for encouragement and strength
Trying to see the opportunities here...for what I am unsure...
Trying to keep perspective...could be worse
Trying to stay positive

Failing a little at the moment with all of the above.
Feeling weakened emotionally.
Tired of a lot...
Falling prey to too many painful triggers from the past, and while this could be understood, it still doesn't feel good, and I want so badly for them to go away.
So, So, sad that the stress is mounting and it is visable within every member of our family. Feeling just a bit sorry for myself at the prsent time.

Just needed to get that all of my chest.
Sad
depressing
but the complete truth
I am human.
I am real.
It is what it is.

Scared to complain since overall things could be so much worse and they aren't. No longer naive to the notion that it can all change on a dime. Nothing is for certain.

In need of a lot more hand holding than I'd like...

It's a battle zone and I am tired of fighting. Hoping for some serious sunshine in coming days.

Putting my faith in the Lord to fill me with strength that my earthly body lacks. I will ask for the supernatural strength that only God can deliver during these times of trials.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will He not also,along with him, graciously give us all things.
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:31-32

It's a battle zone but...
I'm still fighting with God on my side.