Dear 2009,
I thought I'd be asleep by now but here I am still awake and trying to make sense of some rather deep thoughts in my mind.
You filled my life with many beautiful, joyful, and memorable moments. You also dispensed a fair share of painful moments too.
As I reflect on the past year, the one thought that easily comes to mind is "deep". I have spent the last 365 days in a place of deep thought, deep reflection, and deep processing mode. The thoughts in my head are so constant and so loud that I sometimes wish I could turn them off and just be quiet. This place is exhausting. I long for the day when I can ride down a long, country rode, roll down the windows, let the wind blow through my hair, and just sing along to a favorite tune. A carefree moment seems so enticing!
I am grateful for the joy and love that was present in my life and in the lives of those near and dear to me. I am hopeful that 2010 will be filled with even more joy and sunshine. I want so much to believe that we are moving farther and farther from this place of such deep hurt and sorrow and yet I know that we aren't immune from the dark places in life. I have learned to appreciate each moment, each day, each experience, as an unrepeatable miracle moment. Each moment has created the very person that I am tonight, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am still standing. I am still looking for the sunshine to unfold in each new day.
I now understand that I am not leaving Jeremy behind with each passing day and in the turn of the new year. In fact, a friend reminded me that Jeremy is waiting for me in heaven. Each day that I am alive, I am one day closer to that long awaited reunion with Jeremy. I am not walking away from him but better yet toward him, and toward a life eternal with Jesus.
Thank you 2009 for the moments, the good and the not so good. They are each part of my life journey and I have so much to be thankful for.
Hoping that 2010 fills my heart with joy, peace, and sunshine. I sure could use some lighter and laughter filled moments in the next year.
With A Grateful Heart,
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Mosaic Completed
A message that I am fairly sure that Crayola did not intend when it designed the Tinkerbell Mosaic Kit.
I had anticipated a night filled with activities and fun times to be had by each and every member of our family. I had done all the leg work ahead of time and even purchased ingredients to make a nice dinner. Yet, despite how hard I had worked to prepare for the night's festivities, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seemed to be going according to the plan. Or was it?
Our kids did not seem interested in the family fun craft.
I was feeling very helpless and unable to do what I wanted to help my extended family during a recent time of need because my kids were sick. I was home "stewing" over what I wanted to do, but couldn't do.
I was tired.
There were a few members of our family that were sick which is always exhausting as a parent.
No one was feeling themselves.
I made dinner that night but it wasn't the dinner that I had originally planned. About this time of the night, I began to feel as though someone else had taken taken over my life and was orchestrating events outside of my control. I was feeling angry and frustrated that I couldn't seem to get anything to go my way and I was pouting.
While I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I turned up the music, and tried to release some of the feelings that were building up in my soul. My daughter came to my side holding a craft in her hand. I took one look and realized that it was not the craft that I had wanted to make the family activity of the evening. I took a deep breath and gave in to her wishes, for I knew it was more important to spend time together and it didn't matter after all what we did, as long as we had fun. The boys didn't seem interested anyway, which would have only led to even more frustration on my part. So I gave in, and we began to make this craft together at our kitchen table.
It was a long and tedious job. My daughter wanted to make a Crayola Color Wonder Mosaic of Tinkerbell. We worked for quite some time, working with one color at a time, trying to get just enough of each color dough into each of the small crevices. (On a side note, play-doh of any kind is a great stress reliever. Man, you can squish the heck out of it, pound it, throw it, smash it, etc.) There was lots of teamwork involved and as we worked side by side, I started to hear a different message begin to present itself to me.
You see, the mosaic looked like my life. Here are some of the thoughts that began to race through my mind:
Life seems hard "to do" these days.
The "colors" of my life are all over the place!
The "colors" are overlapping into places that I didn't want them to go.
I can't seem to get the "colors" to fill some of the spaces in my life that I want them to, even when I try really hard.
My life seems disorganized.
My life seems ugly, really ugly.
My life seems unrecognizable to me now...
I feel like I need all of the instructions to my new life, but I can't have them, not all at once anyway.
I continued to work with my daughter, side by side, squishing the clay into each and every crevice, listening to worship music the whole time. She was singing and I was fighting back the tears and dealing with the now painful lump in my throat. Finally, after about an hour's work, we had finally finished. My daughter turned over the frame to reveal an absolutely beautiful Mosaic of Tinkerbell. The smile on her face was priceless. The message that reached my heart on this night was also life changing, and beautiful in it's own way as well.
As I gazed at the Mosaic that my daughter and I created, new thoughts immediately filled my soul and then tears of a different kind softly fell onto my already wet cheeks. And my did they ever flow...
God said, "I am YOUR partner, working right beside you. I am here, even when you cannot see me. I am supporting you, pruning you, preparing you, teaching you, and reinventing you." Shared from Strength for the Climb by Kristen Armstrong Matthew 28:20 (New Living Translation)
20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
"I am helping you get the "colors" just right, the way I want them to be. Trust me, I know best. The colors are not overlapping, and they may seem to be all wrong, but indeed they are ALL right, each and every one!" Psalm 32:8 (New International Version)
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
"This work that WE are doing together, it takes time and a lot of patience. It may be difficult, but I promise you, it WILL be worth it in the end."
Psalm 27:14 (New International Version)
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
This picture that you are trying so hard to create, isn't really your picture after all. You are MINE, I have ransomed you and called you by name, so this is MY picture. Stop trying to control your life all by yourself,let Me show you the way..."
James 4:10 (New International Version)
10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
"You do not recognize your life now because your life IS different now. You are journeying through a new phase of your earthly life, but I am with you, always, do not be afraid." Genesis 28:15 (New International Version)
15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
"You don't need any instructions, just have faith,hope, and trust in ME. " John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
"Your life is not ugly. Your ways are not like my ways. Your thoughts are not like my thoughts, now have a little taste of what the life that we are working on together looks like from my perspective..."
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
"Your life, the life that I have given to you, IS beautiful! In fact, you are right on track with what I have planned for you."
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I, for one, am taking the risk of investing in God's kingdom. As my pastor reminds us, God will never send us to a place where He hasn't been before. He goes before us, leading and preparing the way. He knows when the road is rocky and also when the weather is good. He promises us that He will see us through, no matter the circumstances. He only asks us to step out in our faith... and do what He has called us to do. (shared from my pastor's message)
With a Grateful Heart,
I had anticipated a night filled with activities and fun times to be had by each and every member of our family. I had done all the leg work ahead of time and even purchased ingredients to make a nice dinner. Yet, despite how hard I had worked to prepare for the night's festivities, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seemed to be going according to the plan. Or was it?
Our kids did not seem interested in the family fun craft.
I was feeling very helpless and unable to do what I wanted to help my extended family during a recent time of need because my kids were sick. I was home "stewing" over what I wanted to do, but couldn't do.
I was tired.
There were a few members of our family that were sick which is always exhausting as a parent.
No one was feeling themselves.
I made dinner that night but it wasn't the dinner that I had originally planned. About this time of the night, I began to feel as though someone else had taken taken over my life and was orchestrating events outside of my control. I was feeling angry and frustrated that I couldn't seem to get anything to go my way and I was pouting.
While I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I turned up the music, and tried to release some of the feelings that were building up in my soul. My daughter came to my side holding a craft in her hand. I took one look and realized that it was not the craft that I had wanted to make the family activity of the evening. I took a deep breath and gave in to her wishes, for I knew it was more important to spend time together and it didn't matter after all what we did, as long as we had fun. The boys didn't seem interested anyway, which would have only led to even more frustration on my part. So I gave in, and we began to make this craft together at our kitchen table.
It was a long and tedious job. My daughter wanted to make a Crayola Color Wonder Mosaic of Tinkerbell. We worked for quite some time, working with one color at a time, trying to get just enough of each color dough into each of the small crevices. (On a side note, play-doh of any kind is a great stress reliever. Man, you can squish the heck out of it, pound it, throw it, smash it, etc.) There was lots of teamwork involved and as we worked side by side, I started to hear a different message begin to present itself to me.
You see, the mosaic looked like my life. Here are some of the thoughts that began to race through my mind:
Life seems hard "to do" these days.
The "colors" of my life are all over the place!
The "colors" are overlapping into places that I didn't want them to go.
I can't seem to get the "colors" to fill some of the spaces in my life that I want them to, even when I try really hard.
My life seems disorganized.
My life seems ugly, really ugly.
My life seems unrecognizable to me now...
I feel like I need all of the instructions to my new life, but I can't have them, not all at once anyway.
I continued to work with my daughter, side by side, squishing the clay into each and every crevice, listening to worship music the whole time. She was singing and I was fighting back the tears and dealing with the now painful lump in my throat. Finally, after about an hour's work, we had finally finished. My daughter turned over the frame to reveal an absolutely beautiful Mosaic of Tinkerbell. The smile on her face was priceless. The message that reached my heart on this night was also life changing, and beautiful in it's own way as well.
As I gazed at the Mosaic that my daughter and I created, new thoughts immediately filled my soul and then tears of a different kind softly fell onto my already wet cheeks. And my did they ever flow...
God said, "I am YOUR partner, working right beside you. I am here, even when you cannot see me. I am supporting you, pruning you, preparing you, teaching you, and reinventing you." Shared from Strength for the Climb by Kristen Armstrong Matthew 28:20 (New Living Translation)
20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
"I am helping you get the "colors" just right, the way I want them to be. Trust me, I know best. The colors are not overlapping, and they may seem to be all wrong, but indeed they are ALL right, each and every one!" Psalm 32:8 (New International Version)
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
"This work that WE are doing together, it takes time and a lot of patience. It may be difficult, but I promise you, it WILL be worth it in the end."
Psalm 27:14 (New International Version)
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
This picture that you are trying so hard to create, isn't really your picture after all. You are MINE, I have ransomed you and called you by name, so this is MY picture. Stop trying to control your life all by yourself,let Me show you the way..."
James 4:10 (New International Version)
10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
"You do not recognize your life now because your life IS different now. You are journeying through a new phase of your earthly life, but I am with you, always, do not be afraid." Genesis 28:15 (New International Version)
15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
"You don't need any instructions, just have faith,hope, and trust in ME. " John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
"Your life is not ugly. Your ways are not like my ways. Your thoughts are not like my thoughts, now have a little taste of what the life that we are working on together looks like from my perspective..."
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
"Your life, the life that I have given to you, IS beautiful! In fact, you are right on track with what I have planned for you."
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I, for one, am taking the risk of investing in God's kingdom. As my pastor reminds us, God will never send us to a place where He hasn't been before. He goes before us, leading and preparing the way. He knows when the road is rocky and also when the weather is good. He promises us that He will see us through, no matter the circumstances. He only asks us to step out in our faith... and do what He has called us to do. (shared from my pastor's message)
With a Grateful Heart,
Merry Christmas 2009
This is the photo that we used for our family Christmas card this year. It took us longer to create since there obviously weren't any photos for us to use with Jeremy in them this year. It was no doubt difficult to create but my husband succeeded in helping me to find a way to include Jeremy in our family card. In the end, I think we were all at peace with the way it turned out.
The beach is such a special place for our family. It just seemed natural to use a photo of the kids at the beach this summer.
Wishing each of you all the SUNSHINE that your hearts can hold this Christmas season and always!
With a Grateful Heart for the many wonderful ways we have been carried through this year,
Excuse Me While I Finish My Thoughts
I ask your forgiveness and patience while I finish my thoughs regarding the mosiac.
I don't know how that last post was published...HMMmm there are extra little hands running around here these days with the children home from school. We love listening to the worship music on this blog during the day. Perhaps I left open axcess for too long?? I obviously am also more busy these days with the holidays and spending more time with the kiddos.
I'll be back...soon I hope!
I don't know how that last post was published...HMMmm there are extra little hands running around here these days with the children home from school. We love listening to the worship music on this blog during the day. Perhaps I left open axcess for too long?? I obviously am also more busy these days with the holidays and spending more time with the kiddos.
I'll be back...soon I hope!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
A Tearful Night
I unexpectedly needed to be the parent wrapping ALL of the gifts tonight. I was so deeply sad that my husband could not be a part of this Christmas tradition with me, wrapping gifts for our children.
You see the numbness has fully worn off and I feel everything and anything!
I am blessed to be fortunate enough to wrap gifts for three children, but my heart wants to wrap for four...Was it so much to just want to wrap gifts with my husband? I needed him to wrap gifts tonight and to be beside me with this pain...it was too much...
I miss Jeremy,his presence in my life, and in our family every day, but most especially during holidays. During the holidays, when in the presence of family, Jeremy's absence from the day is so very real, painful, and even confusing.
I purchased gifts for Jeremy to donate to the hospital, but it wasn't the same, not even close. I fell apart. I wanted to wrap the very gifts that were on his Santa list too. I wanted to feel the same the joy anticipating the joy in eyes on Christmas morning too, just like the others. I fell apart. I need to allow myself to do that sometimes.
I purchased the ornament pictured above this week and was very proud to hang it on our tree. I know it is really referring to Jesus but I could not help but to be reminded of Jeremy too.
He reached my soul in ways that I never even imagined. A true gift...
I pray that I can remain in focus of the true meaning of Christmas, the true and only gift that our Savior was born to save us one and all from the sins of this world and to redeem us for an eternal life with Him. I give praise and thanksgiving to God that our Savior Jesus Christ "was born in the poverty of Bethlehem so that I might enjoy the riches of His grace and the exhaltation of Sonship with Him." Taken from My Prayer Book, a gift from a dear friend.
With A Most Grateful Heart,
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Do You Like Him?
Having locked his eyes on the now famous picture of Jeremy(featured on the home page of our blog),my youngest,living child pointed to the photo and asked "Mommy, do you like him?"
"Yes, honey I do" I replied.
Sweetly whispered "I do too Mom. That's Jeremy, he's with God."
"Yes, honey I do" I replied.
Sweetly whispered "I do too Mom. That's Jeremy, he's with God."
Monday, December 21, 2009
Angel Mail #12
Dear Jeremy,
I'm sending a message from your sweet sister today. We send you special Christmas love on Angel's wings.
Love Always,
Mommy and Sister
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Winter Weekending
Here's a few pictures showcasing our fun while "SNOWED IN" together. I apologize for the cramp that may develop in your neck as you watch the slideshow. I cannot figure out how to rotate the pictures on this particular website. :(
Our weekend has been full of:
snuggling
endless cups of hot chocolate with marhsmallows in and outside the mugs
Christmas movies
cookie baking
Christmas card making (they should be on their way soon)
sleeping in
soup making
video gaming
playing in the snow
shoveling snow
sledding
watching the snow fall
being thankful for a warm house with warm food
being thankful for our health
being thankful for the many ways our lives are richly blessed
How was your weekend?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Goodwill Toward Men
I am humbled by the outpouring of folks that continue to surprise me with their offers of generosity and compassion toward the hospital and respite house in Jeremy's memory. I can't tell you how much it means to know that he is remembered and how his legacy lives on throughout the seasons of the year. Most importantly, I know how much this items will comfort children and families facing a difficult time right now in their lives.
As you know, the Christmas holiday season is approaching and quickly I might add. There is so much need all around us in the world today. The economy has changed, folks have lost their jobs, and there is despair in the eyes of so many. I know I do not NEED a single tangible thing. I am feeling so very blessed to be able to say that and yet I am hurt deep within knowing that it isn't true for everyone in the world. Life can change in the blink of an eye.
I am writing to encourage you, if you are able, to help someone else in need this Christmas season. In fact, while reading through the monthly newsletter of the respite house where we stayed during Jeremy's illness, I stumbled upon this quote. It just about sums up my mantra over the last year. "We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee." - Marian Wright Edelman
We are taking items to the hospital and to the respite house this holiday season. We welcome the participation from other Prayer Warriors. Please forgive me for the lack of notice. I will continue to support these places for all the days of my life. Also note, that our help and support isn't seasonal, support is needed 365 days a year. I will try to do better next year at allowing more time and notice so that others can participate if they desire.
There is a need for:
infant toys
toys/items for teens
blankets
non spill bubbles
CD players
Uno games
wubb a nubs
hair detangler and other hair accessories such as barrettes and pony tail holders
nail polish (small bottles)
For the Respite house:
Queen size white sheets
laundry detergent, softener, etc
non-perishable food and especially snacks
Keurig coffee pods
toiletry items for parents shampoo, conditioner, razors, deodorant, etc.
gift cards to Safeway
disposable cameras
white washcloths, white bath towels
Swifter floor cleaning supplies
Again, these items are for use 365 days a year. The spirit of Christmas can carry over into every month of the new year.
Thank you again, to those who have already donated and to those who may inspired to do so in the future. It means more than you will ever fully know.
With a Grateful Heart,
As you know, the Christmas holiday season is approaching and quickly I might add. There is so much need all around us in the world today. The economy has changed, folks have lost their jobs, and there is despair in the eyes of so many. I know I do not NEED a single tangible thing. I am feeling so very blessed to be able to say that and yet I am hurt deep within knowing that it isn't true for everyone in the world. Life can change in the blink of an eye.
I am writing to encourage you, if you are able, to help someone else in need this Christmas season. In fact, while reading through the monthly newsletter of the respite house where we stayed during Jeremy's illness, I stumbled upon this quote. It just about sums up my mantra over the last year. "We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee." - Marian Wright Edelman
We are taking items to the hospital and to the respite house this holiday season. We welcome the participation from other Prayer Warriors. Please forgive me for the lack of notice. I will continue to support these places for all the days of my life. Also note, that our help and support isn't seasonal, support is needed 365 days a year. I will try to do better next year at allowing more time and notice so that others can participate if they desire.
There is a need for:
infant toys
toys/items for teens
blankets
non spill bubbles
CD players
Uno games
wubb a nubs
hair detangler and other hair accessories such as barrettes and pony tail holders
nail polish (small bottles)
For the Respite house:
Queen size white sheets
laundry detergent, softener, etc
non-perishable food and especially snacks
Keurig coffee pods
toiletry items for parents shampoo, conditioner, razors, deodorant, etc.
gift cards to Safeway
disposable cameras
white washcloths, white bath towels
Swifter floor cleaning supplies
Again, these items are for use 365 days a year. The spirit of Christmas can carry over into every month of the new year.
Thank you again, to those who have already donated and to those who may inspired to do so in the future. It means more than you will ever fully know.
With a Grateful Heart,
Sunday, December 13, 2009
One Little Coupon
**Update**
I truly meant to share the recipe for the Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf mentioned in my story.
Ingredients:
1 egg
1/2 cup of chicken or turkey flavored stuffing mix
3/4 cup of whole cranberry sauce divided
1/4 t salt
1/8 t pepper
1 lb of ground turkey
Directions:
Mix egg, stuffing, and 1/4 cup of the cranberry sauce. Add salt, pepper, and turkey. Mix well. Bake meatloaf uncovered at 350 for 55-65 minutes. Heat remaining cranberry sauce in the microwave and then pour it over the meatloaf during the last 15 minutes of cooking time.
Freezes well.
Original Post-
I have been participating in a meal swap for a few months. Each member of our group prepares six of the same entree and then we all get together once a month to swap the meals. I make six of the same meal and leave with five additional meals that make my life incredibly easier on weeknights at 5 pm.
The crowds and the long lines at virtually every shopping center known to man, left me with the alternative choice of grocery shopping on Saturday. Everyone was in a hurry and there were visible signs of impatience and Grinchy attitudes to be found at every stop along the way. I realized that it wasn't in my best interests to waste so much time and get so little done, so plan B was put into action. Despite the crowds, even in the grocery store, I decided that I needed to purchase the ingredients for my meal this month, Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf. I wanted to make something a little festive for the Christmas season.
Each time I have gone to the store to purchase ingredients for the swap meal, I find myself on the receiving end of many stares and comments regarding the contents of my cart. People will often ask me if they have missed a sale, especially on the meat. I usually entertain their thoughts with a brief explanation. Seriously, imagine a cart filled with six whole chickens, etc.
This Saturday was no different, except I ALSO filled the cart with items that I personally needed for my own family. I should have taken a photo of my cart. I literally could not fit another item in the cart if I tried. Ha!
When it was time to check out, there were long lines of course. I managed to walk all the way to the end of the aisles in hopes of finding a shorter line and I did. I informed the cashier that I would be receiving the "Abnoxious Cart Award" today. He laughed and said, it was the bagger that he felt sorry for.
Shortly there after, a woman got into line behind me. The last comment of the day."That's some order you've got there!" I think was how it all started. I explained the meal swap thing, told her about my recipe, and also how I hadn't been to the store for awhile beyond the short order stuff, so my pantry was really bare of the staples. She seemed to like the sound of the recipe and the wait in line, while the cashier rang up my groceries, was passing by with a friendly conversation.
"Do you have any coupons?"
I replied, "NO, I forgot them today. I didn't plan on shopping today. Oh, well"
"Do you have one of those percentage off your whole order coupons? That's the coupon you really need with an order of that size." Once again, I replied, "No, I don't have any coupons today. I tried to buy what was on sale and I have my bonus card, so that will have to be sufficient."
"Here, take mine! It's just me and my husband and our daughter, the most I would ever save would be a few bucks. I bet you will really save a lot!"
"No, I can't accept that coupon, you use it for your own family."
She smiled and said, "No, I insist. I will get so much joy just seeing how much you save with the help of this coupon."
I did accept the coupon from the woman and my heart was filled with joy. I knew I would indeed save a significant amount with the use of that coupon, but it was more than that. I was on the receiving end of a generous and complete random act of kindness. Holiday cheer. We both smiled watching the coupon being scanned and saw that I had saved almost $25. I again offered her some money to compensate her for the coupon, and she declined that offer too.
Humbled by her kindness, I said, "Here, at the least, take my recipe and try the meatloaf for yourself. I hope you like it. I've heard it is pretty good, and I think I'll probably make it again. You know, I will think of you and your kindness every time I make this meatloaf."
"And I'll think of you too!" she said.
It's amazing how one little coupon made such an impact on my heart . It was the random act of kindness that impacted me more than saving money.
A stranger blessed me today with her generous spirit. I will pay it forward and use that savings to help others in need.
Have you witnessed the true spirit of Christmas this year? PLEASE share. We could all use the heart warming inspiration.
With a Grateful Heart,
I truly meant to share the recipe for the Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf mentioned in my story.
Ingredients:
1 egg
1/2 cup of chicken or turkey flavored stuffing mix
3/4 cup of whole cranberry sauce divided
1/4 t salt
1/8 t pepper
1 lb of ground turkey
Directions:
Mix egg, stuffing, and 1/4 cup of the cranberry sauce. Add salt, pepper, and turkey. Mix well. Bake meatloaf uncovered at 350 for 55-65 minutes. Heat remaining cranberry sauce in the microwave and then pour it over the meatloaf during the last 15 minutes of cooking time.
Freezes well.
Original Post-
I have been participating in a meal swap for a few months. Each member of our group prepares six of the same entree and then we all get together once a month to swap the meals. I make six of the same meal and leave with five additional meals that make my life incredibly easier on weeknights at 5 pm.
The crowds and the long lines at virtually every shopping center known to man, left me with the alternative choice of grocery shopping on Saturday. Everyone was in a hurry and there were visible signs of impatience and Grinchy attitudes to be found at every stop along the way. I realized that it wasn't in my best interests to waste so much time and get so little done, so plan B was put into action. Despite the crowds, even in the grocery store, I decided that I needed to purchase the ingredients for my meal this month, Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf. I wanted to make something a little festive for the Christmas season.
Each time I have gone to the store to purchase ingredients for the swap meal, I find myself on the receiving end of many stares and comments regarding the contents of my cart. People will often ask me if they have missed a sale, especially on the meat. I usually entertain their thoughts with a brief explanation. Seriously, imagine a cart filled with six whole chickens, etc.
This Saturday was no different, except I ALSO filled the cart with items that I personally needed for my own family. I should have taken a photo of my cart. I literally could not fit another item in the cart if I tried. Ha!
When it was time to check out, there were long lines of course. I managed to walk all the way to the end of the aisles in hopes of finding a shorter line and I did. I informed the cashier that I would be receiving the "Abnoxious Cart Award" today. He laughed and said, it was the bagger that he felt sorry for.
Shortly there after, a woman got into line behind me. The last comment of the day."That's some order you've got there!" I think was how it all started. I explained the meal swap thing, told her about my recipe, and also how I hadn't been to the store for awhile beyond the short order stuff, so my pantry was really bare of the staples. She seemed to like the sound of the recipe and the wait in line, while the cashier rang up my groceries, was passing by with a friendly conversation.
"Do you have any coupons?"
I replied, "NO, I forgot them today. I didn't plan on shopping today. Oh, well"
"Do you have one of those percentage off your whole order coupons? That's the coupon you really need with an order of that size." Once again, I replied, "No, I don't have any coupons today. I tried to buy what was on sale and I have my bonus card, so that will have to be sufficient."
"Here, take mine! It's just me and my husband and our daughter, the most I would ever save would be a few bucks. I bet you will really save a lot!"
"No, I can't accept that coupon, you use it for your own family."
She smiled and said, "No, I insist. I will get so much joy just seeing how much you save with the help of this coupon."
I did accept the coupon from the woman and my heart was filled with joy. I knew I would indeed save a significant amount with the use of that coupon, but it was more than that. I was on the receiving end of a generous and complete random act of kindness. Holiday cheer. We both smiled watching the coupon being scanned and saw that I had saved almost $25. I again offered her some money to compensate her for the coupon, and she declined that offer too.
Humbled by her kindness, I said, "Here, at the least, take my recipe and try the meatloaf for yourself. I hope you like it. I've heard it is pretty good, and I think I'll probably make it again. You know, I will think of you and your kindness every time I make this meatloaf."
"And I'll think of you too!" she said.
It's amazing how one little coupon made such an impact on my heart . It was the random act of kindness that impacted me more than saving money.
A stranger blessed me today with her generous spirit. I will pay it forward and use that savings to help others in need.
Have you witnessed the true spirit of Christmas this year? PLEASE share. We could all use the heart warming inspiration.
With a Grateful Heart,
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Faith
Author unknown (to me anyway) I found this on the wall at my children's school. I found myself reading it and rereading it...
Faith is risking what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.
Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.
Faith is saying yes when everything says no
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.
Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness.
It is the presence of God in all.
I am grateful for His presence in my life, every day, all the time, through it ALL.
He has carried me and here I am. Faith, yeah, I have it. I hurt. I cry. I am angry. I am sad. But...through it all, I have faith. He said...bring it to me Amy. I understand. I care. I am weaving the scene that is unseen, just wait...He shows up and carries me through it all.
Faith is risking what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.
Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.
Faith is saying yes when everything says no
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.
Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness.
It is the presence of God in all.
I am grateful for His presence in my life, every day, all the time, through it ALL.
He has carried me and here I am. Faith, yeah, I have it. I hurt. I cry. I am angry. I am sad. But...through it all, I have faith. He said...bring it to me Amy. I understand. I care. I am weaving the scene that is unseen, just wait...He shows up and carries me through it all.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Birthday Gratefulness
As you can imagine, I am emotionally wiped out from yesterday. It has been an exhausting month and a part of me is a little happy to see November go and to welcome a new month.
I did want to briefly share how much it meant to us to have several kind emails, cards, and other remembrances of Jeremy and his BRIGHT life on his birthday. We all appreciated the time so many of took to show your compassion. It truly made a difference in the hearts of a grieving family.
While we were unable to have the celebration that we wanted, we are sure that Jeremy did!
I'll be back later to share a little from our celebration of his life on his birthday.
With A Grateful Heart,
I did want to briefly share how much it meant to us to have several kind emails, cards, and other remembrances of Jeremy and his BRIGHT life on his birthday. We all appreciated the time so many of took to show your compassion. It truly made a difference in the hearts of a grieving family.
While we were unable to have the celebration that we wanted, we are sure that Jeremy did!
I'll be back later to share a little from our celebration of his life on his birthday.
With A Grateful Heart,
Monday, November 30, 2009
Jeremy's Birthday
My Sweet Jeremy,
Well I have been staring at the blank computer screen for awhile now. I don't know how or where to even begin this letter to you. Seriously, I really didn't think any one person could ever cry so many tears.
Jeremy, I have so much love in my heart for you and that is one thing that will never change. Trouble is that I never dreamed of writing these letters to you on my blog and just wishing them too you on Angel's wings. I am especially having trouble writing a birthday letter to you tonight. That is largely in part to the fact that I selfishly want more. I want more of you. I want more time with you, more memories to be had for us all as a complete family, more birthdays, more of it all. I selfishly think that life here on earth would be better if you were here with me.
It is your birthday. If you were here on earth, you would be turning two years old and taking on all the fun that comes with that special age. Actually, I think every age is precious in it's own way. People say that gifts aren't really that important in life, but rather it's really about love that we share with one another. This is a good thing since I am unable to send presents with pretty bows to you. Please accept this letter as a sign of my unwavering love to you on the occasion of your special second birthday.
In truth, I am unsettled today. I am once again fighting the ultimate battle to let go...this isn't what I wanted. This isn't how I wanted to celebrate your life. I wanted to plan a super fun second birthday party for you just like I did for your siblings. I wanted to pick out special gifts certain to make you smile and laugh with pure joy. I wanted to proudly look back and to admire all that you had already overcome and to make wishes for a bright future. None of those will be a reality on your birthday, not this year, and not ever.
What is a grieving mother to do on days like this? I still don't have this journey figured out, not sure if I ever will. I remember with such clarity the months of your pregnancy, the moments leading up to the delivery, and certainly most vividly, the very moment the doctor placed you in my arms. I will never forget that moment and yet here I am and there you are. I am lost trying to figure out how to spend your birthday without you. Lost is actually an understatement. There is a total abandonment of a life that I once knew. There will be no singing. No cake. No presents. No celebrating. No time reflecting on the blessings bestowed upon you. My dreams for you have been shattered. My heart aches for you yet my brain is somehow trying to make sense of it all. I could stay up all night and still not have anything figured out so I will settle it for now with the fact that my love for you is unending and abides with you always, whether you are here or there. I can only hope that every day in heaven is so much more wonderful than all the love, fun, and festivities that we could ever give you here on earth.
So while your birthday brings so much joy to my heart, I also feel such pain facing all that I have lost. I cry for the moments that I wanted to share with you, the dreams that were shattered, and the time spent wondering what you would have been like at two years of age. I just love this age!
Here I am crying instead of eagerly awaiting your special day to arrive. I have been dreading it actually. Time is marching forward, yet your death remains the same. You are still gone from my arms but you must know you will never be gone from my heart. The days that we have been separated have now outnumbered the days that you lived here on this earth. Your sister was so deeply saddened at supper this evening because she realized that you never had the chance to celebrate even a single birthday, not even one.
Sweet son, I am trying with all my might to switch my perspective and to instead focus on the fact that I am in such pain because I had the gift and privilege to be your Mommy. I am a lucky mom. I am hurting so badly because I love you so much. I loved every moment spent with you and wouldn't trade even one second for anything in the world.
Birthdays on earth have lots of traditions. One such tradition involves a special cake and we place the number of candles on the cake to mark the number of years a person has lived. Then the candle is lit, family and friends sing a song "Happy Birthday" and then the person who is celebrating the birthday, makes a wish, and blows out the candle.
Wishes. Sweet son, there's something really special about wishing. I realized it is because when you wish, you are having hope for good things to come. So on your birthday, I am wishing that you are at peace and perfect in every way possible. I am wishing that your heart is happy. I am wishing that our reunion someday will be glorious. I am wishing that you could come for a short visit, even if only to flash me one of your beautiful smiles. I am wishing for strength to continue to find the sunshine even on the darkest days. I am wishing with all my heart and soul that I am successful at the task of honoring your life and the legacy that you left behind. I am wishing that I will make you proud.
Birthday Love, Kisses, and Hugs to you on Angel's Wings,
Mommy
Friday, November 20, 2009
Twinkles
While my oldest son and I were in the waiting room at the doctor's office, we read a chapter book to pass the time. The book mentioned a little boy that was eating Twinkies. My son asked me about them as he has never eaten one before.
Needless to say, I purchased a box and introduced them to my children. They loved them!
My youngest asked for a "Twinkle" from the pantry. We laughed at his own label for this timeless snack.
How long has it been since you had a "Twinkle" or another childhood favorite snack?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Missing Jeremy
It makes my heart ache to witness my children's grief. We have had many conversations with each child, in random fashion, over the last few days even.
It is touching to see how they embrace his place in our family and share ways that they carry a part of him with them wherever they go. I am thankful that they are verbal children and also that they feel comfortable enough with us to open up and share what is going on in their hearts. It saddens us beyond words to see our children hurt from this loss.
Our youngest asks if God will drop Jeremy down just so he can hold him for a little while. He asks if he can go to see Jeremy. I've seen him loving all over a baby doll and imagine tender hearted times shared with his brother. Times that are on hold for now...
Our middle child is our artist and writer. She expresses herself well through her artwork and cards. She is the author and illustrator of the artwork pictured. It speaks for itself. I found the mittens while attempting to take note of what winter items our children needed for the colder weather that will be approaching soon. We all know how difficult it will be to locate those items in the stores when it does finally snow. Instead of snow gear the bathing suits will be out on a rack...never did fully understand the retail bussiness.
Our oldest is sharing too. He misses his brother and worries like me about those around him. Sound familar? You know what they say, apples don't fall far from the tree.
Today I am still nursing two children back to health, something I could not do for Jeremy. He was on my mind so much this morning. Partly due to fears that I am struggling to keep contained and also just missing that moment with Jeremy when good ol' Mommy has that magic touch that seems to comfort and heal the icky virus. You know when all they want to do is to snuggle and be close to you...I missed that with Jeremy. His issues were too big for just Mom. As we were snuggling, we were listening to some soft music and the song, "Baby of Mine" came on and I was unable to keep the tears from flowing. It is such a tender song. I allowed myself to cry a little and let out the feelings that are filling up my soul again.
I also realized that God called me to be the mother of these FOUR precious children. He called ME, hand selected ME for them and THEM for me. He has equipped me with all I need to do this job well and He will fill in the gaps where I am weak. God and I are a team! I need to do the best that I can to take of the earthy children that he has put in my care and TRUST that He will take care of the parts that are His to take care of and have peace knowing that Jeremy safe in His care too.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Would You Pray?
My heart is heavy.
Lord, there is so much pain that surrounds me today. I feel as though all I can see is pain and suffering in every direction I turn lately.
I lift up so many to you Lord. Embrace each and every one. Please make your presence known to them and grant them the peace that only You can give. Help them Lord to feel the peace amidst the storms of life.
I hesitate to pray by name for several reasons. First, I do not have permission to divulge personal information on the world wide web. Second, I would feel horrible if I left out a prayer from my heart on this blog. Third, I have peace knowing that names are not important because God is already fully aware of what is going on all around me.
Having said that...would you please pray for my Aunt and her family today. My Aunt is facing a very serious health crisis at the present time. Only God knows the outcome of this situation. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for all health personnel involved and certainly for her immediate and extended family to feel peace during this uncertain time.
Today I pray for my other family members, friends, teachers, and fellow school mates facing health issues. I pray for healing for each of these individuals.
I pray for each and every human being that is present in the PICU whether patients or caregivers.
I pray for Jeremy's friends that continue their roads of treatment.
I pray for the unemployed.
I pray for those suffering through marital difficulty. or serious life changing events.
I pray for safe travel for several people near and dear to me.
I pray. I pray. I pray. I lay these concerns and so very many more at Your feet Lord. Have mercy on them all. Guard our hearts Lord.
Lord, there is so much pain that surrounds me today. I feel as though all I can see is pain and suffering in every direction I turn lately.
I lift up so many to you Lord. Embrace each and every one. Please make your presence known to them and grant them the peace that only You can give. Help them Lord to feel the peace amidst the storms of life.
I hesitate to pray by name for several reasons. First, I do not have permission to divulge personal information on the world wide web. Second, I would feel horrible if I left out a prayer from my heart on this blog. Third, I have peace knowing that names are not important because God is already fully aware of what is going on all around me.
Having said that...would you please pray for my Aunt and her family today. My Aunt is facing a very serious health crisis at the present time. Only God knows the outcome of this situation. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for all health personnel involved and certainly for her immediate and extended family to feel peace during this uncertain time.
Today I pray for my other family members, friends, teachers, and fellow school mates facing health issues. I pray for healing for each of these individuals.
I pray for each and every human being that is present in the PICU whether patients or caregivers.
I pray for Jeremy's friends that continue their roads of treatment.
I pray for the unemployed.
I pray for those suffering through marital difficulty. or serious life changing events.
I pray for safe travel for several people near and dear to me.
I pray. I pray. I pray. I lay these concerns and so very many more at Your feet Lord. Have mercy on them all. Guard our hearts Lord.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Home Invasion
Look who hopped in to visit us today.
I had little preparation to be the mother of boys. The mother of curious boys who adore bugs and many legged creatures of all kinds.
I have no choice but suit up for the challenge and go along for the ride. It's even better when I can actually enjoy the experience with them.
We observed our little friend for a few moments,opened the door, and then sent him on his way.
Strange but true, we have found Praying Mantis, ladybugs, worms, leaf bugs, caterpillars, bees, and now grasshoppers, all happy to entertain us a little while longer this fall.
These are the times to remember when your children are fascinated with the little things in life. When was the last time you got down on the floor to talk to an insect?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Weekending
Well these photos should give you a pretty good idea of how we spent our weekend.
I am living at the edge of an abyss. If I get too close, the enemy zaps me in and is able to grab my attention. It is work, but I will choose to stay here,focus on the positive, and keep my attention where it belongs.
Our home has been deemed an infirmary for both people and stuffed friends whom we love.
I am thankful God embraced me and carried me through a time of anxiety and fear. I am thankful for the peaceful path he has taught me to follow instead. I may be a slow learner, but I'll get there eventually.
I am thankful for the unconditional love and support of family and friends.
I am thankful that my sister has had a fun visit with my parents. Perhaps, next time will be our time to play too. I am thankful she has found a few good surprises around the corners of life. Those are nice once in awhile.
I am thankful for the wonderful care given to us by our Pediatric Office. They are just the best.
I am thankful my husband was home to help carry the load of worry, work, childcare, and laundry. I don't know how single parents do it all.
I am thankful for the overall health of my kids, things seem to be improving and they could be so much worse.
I am thankful that I have been able to keep up with the laundry per se. Notice that I did not say it was all folded and put away neatly. Is laundry ever really done?
I am thankful for homemade soup, any kind, any day.
I am thankful for the warm air and sunshine in the middle of November. A pleasant surprise in itself. I am thankful to open the windows and awake my senses a bit to the smell, sounds, and sights, of fall.
I am thankful for the love my children showed to one another without prompting. I guess what we say and do really is being absorbed to some degree or other.
There were a few heartwarming moments to witness as they prayed on each other's behalf and made Get Well cards.
Here's hoping the virus flies out the windows today and leaves us alone!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunshine on Cloudy Days
Parenting struggles
Divorce and marital strain
Sickness and disease
Bad Accidents
Suicide
Unemployment
Stress
hopelessness/depression
grief
All of these and then some have all added up to TROUBLE with a capital T today. I became aware of all of these situations within 24 hours time. I was driving some scenic roads today and praying out to God the whole time. I was calling out to him as I drove, "Why is it God that this much hurt, pain, and suffering must occur on this earth?" It gets to me.
I did what I knew how to do, I prayed. I thought of the sermon on Sunday where we were reminded that the devil works hard to blow up trouble and make it so that God is no longer visible in our lives. Today the devil wanted me to only focus on all of the bad circumstances in life and not on the ways that God was working in and through those circumstances. Through my prayer, I was reminded that I am not meant to understand His ways, they are not like my own. I am meant to have faith and to to believe in a God that is good and that is Sovereign of ALL things. Just as that peaceful thought came to me, I happened to notice an inflatable yellow, smiling, sunshine hanging from a bare tree branch in the woods. I laughed out loud! The timing was perfect down to the very second. I would never expect to see such a thing in the middle of a wooded area in the fall! It was a hug from Jeremy and God. I smiled and opened my heart to another perspective. Believe in the sunshine, even when it is a cloudy day! It is always there... God is with us on the darkest of dark days, even when we cannot see him, and also in the moments when circumstances make it seem for sure that He is not there. Not only is He present but He is bigger than anything than I will ever know and bigger than anything that attempts to stand in my way of his loving embrace. I am a child of God.
The lyrics to a Casting Crowns Song have been on replay in my mind all day. This song is on my playlist at the bottom of this page.
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..
I prepare for bed tonight knowing of such pain in the hearts of many that I know and many more that I do not know personally. I will hope to rest knowing that although I may sleep, that God does not. He is awake and fully aware of each and every situation that weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I am trusting that He is working each and every situation for the greater good. I will close with a beautiful thought shared by my pastor at church this Sunday about stepping out of our comfort zones as we walk with God through the journey of life. "God, I am Yours, I have crossed, You take me through".
I pray that I awake tomorrow with renewed strength and peace in my heart. My hands will be outstretched for His and I plan to work harder to keep my vision focused on the cross and to be more present on my TRUST WALK.
Divorce and marital strain
Sickness and disease
Bad Accidents
Suicide
Unemployment
Stress
hopelessness/depression
grief
All of these and then some have all added up to TROUBLE with a capital T today. I became aware of all of these situations within 24 hours time. I was driving some scenic roads today and praying out to God the whole time. I was calling out to him as I drove, "Why is it God that this much hurt, pain, and suffering must occur on this earth?" It gets to me.
I did what I knew how to do, I prayed. I thought of the sermon on Sunday where we were reminded that the devil works hard to blow up trouble and make it so that God is no longer visible in our lives. Today the devil wanted me to only focus on all of the bad circumstances in life and not on the ways that God was working in and through those circumstances. Through my prayer, I was reminded that I am not meant to understand His ways, they are not like my own. I am meant to have faith and to to believe in a God that is good and that is Sovereign of ALL things. Just as that peaceful thought came to me, I happened to notice an inflatable yellow, smiling, sunshine hanging from a bare tree branch in the woods. I laughed out loud! The timing was perfect down to the very second. I would never expect to see such a thing in the middle of a wooded area in the fall! It was a hug from Jeremy and God. I smiled and opened my heart to another perspective. Believe in the sunshine, even when it is a cloudy day! It is always there... God is with us on the darkest of dark days, even when we cannot see him, and also in the moments when circumstances make it seem for sure that He is not there. Not only is He present but He is bigger than anything than I will ever know and bigger than anything that attempts to stand in my way of his loving embrace. I am a child of God.
The lyrics to a Casting Crowns Song have been on replay in my mind all day. This song is on my playlist at the bottom of this page.
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..
I prepare for bed tonight knowing of such pain in the hearts of many that I know and many more that I do not know personally. I will hope to rest knowing that although I may sleep, that God does not. He is awake and fully aware of each and every situation that weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I am trusting that He is working each and every situation for the greater good. I will close with a beautiful thought shared by my pastor at church this Sunday about stepping out of our comfort zones as we walk with God through the journey of life. "God, I am Yours, I have crossed, You take me through".
I pray that I awake tomorrow with renewed strength and peace in my heart. My hands will be outstretched for His and I plan to work harder to keep my vision focused on the cross and to be more present on my TRUST WALK.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Godinstances
Do you ever feel as though when life is trying to teach you a lesson, that you hear the same message over and over again wherever you go?
I was trying to get "lost" in a movie last night. It was on television last night and it sounded cute. A chic flic with romance and a real happy ending. Don't you just love those?
I was really engrossed in the movie. It was almost the end of the movie and one of the main characters was speaking. I know it was a movie and a fictional character and all but it sure seemed as though he was speaking directly to me. I had to push pause on the remote and say "Huh". Then I rewinded the movie to jot down what he was saying.
"We are here to bear witness to an end and a beginning. While we must carry on, we must be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. While our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on us again. In that warm, bright light, we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future filled with exciting challenges and infinite possibilities in which the horizon will stretch out before us ribboned in the heavenly glow of our sunrises of tomorrow."
-Prince and Me
That sure seemed scripted just for me. It was certainly a reminder that I needed to hear. My grief IS profound. I get to grieve because I loved and was loved well.
Jeremy's lessons continue on even in his absence on this earth. I know in my hearts of hearts that he is happy and that he would certainly not want me to hurt like this and to be so sad. I just miss him and his place in our family terribly.
Lord,
I lay my profound grief at your feet and at the foot of the cross. I know that you have prepared me for this journey and have equipped me with all the tools that I need to complete this mission. Help strengthen me Lord to battle the enemy that fights daily to distract me from your loving embrace. There is nothing too big for you Lord, nothing that you can't take care of on my behalf. You have Jeremy safe in your loving care. His battle has been won. You have brought him home to live eternally with you. All is well for Jeremy. I pray Lord for your mercy and grace as I work harder to trust you completely with my own heart. Light the way, I am still following you Lord.
Amen
I was trying to get "lost" in a movie last night. It was on television last night and it sounded cute. A chic flic with romance and a real happy ending. Don't you just love those?
I was really engrossed in the movie. It was almost the end of the movie and one of the main characters was speaking. I know it was a movie and a fictional character and all but it sure seemed as though he was speaking directly to me. I had to push pause on the remote and say "Huh". Then I rewinded the movie to jot down what he was saying.
"We are here to bear witness to an end and a beginning. While we must carry on, we must be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. While our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on us again. In that warm, bright light, we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future filled with exciting challenges and infinite possibilities in which the horizon will stretch out before us ribboned in the heavenly glow of our sunrises of tomorrow."
-Prince and Me
That sure seemed scripted just for me. It was certainly a reminder that I needed to hear. My grief IS profound. I get to grieve because I loved and was loved well.
Jeremy's lessons continue on even in his absence on this earth. I know in my hearts of hearts that he is happy and that he would certainly not want me to hurt like this and to be so sad. I just miss him and his place in our family terribly.
Lord,
I lay my profound grief at your feet and at the foot of the cross. I know that you have prepared me for this journey and have equipped me with all the tools that I need to complete this mission. Help strengthen me Lord to battle the enemy that fights daily to distract me from your loving embrace. There is nothing too big for you Lord, nothing that you can't take care of on my behalf. You have Jeremy safe in your loving care. His battle has been won. You have brought him home to live eternally with you. All is well for Jeremy. I pray Lord for your mercy and grace as I work harder to trust you completely with my own heart. Light the way, I am still following you Lord.
Amen
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Simple and Unexpected Gifts
One of my favorite flowers is the Hydrangea. These are usually in full bloom during the summer months. When they are in season, I love to have many vases full of cut blooms all around the house.
It has been a gift to see several bursts of their beauty in my travels around town this week. A little unusual but deeply welcomed. A gift.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Ramblings
The kids are better. My anxiety and worry about the health of my living kids has just about returned to normal, my new normal. Life as we now know it has also returned to it's usual craziness. Hence my lack of blog posts. I have had many loads of laundry to catch up on...
In recent days there have several reminders of the fragility of life. I was once again reminded about the lesson of not taking even a moment for granted. A whole life can be changed in a split second.
These moments that we have are fleeting by and will pass all too soon, never to be seen again. It won't be like this very moment for long. The good moments are here to cherish and the bad ones, all of them, they will surely pass too.
I have been trapped, in a sense, trying to capture the good moments and hold on to them for dear life, all the while trying to let the bad ones pass quickly. It is a tricky task to say the least. A real balancing act that often leaves me quite exhausted.
I am at a loss for words tonight as I labyrinth through all too familiar territory and try to find my way once again. I will pray. It is there with my Lord, that I find renewed strength and peace.
I petition your prayers tonight. Will you pray for:
our PICU Family and medical team as they care for the special children entrusted to them.
the families of these special children, hold them close and give them comfort Lord
the PICU families that we bonded so deeply with during our own journey. They have each been heavy on my heart in recent days
the other grieving families that we have come to know
safe travel for so many. Friends, family, and even a friend "running" with her heart
healing and strength for many friends and family, there are so many Lord that are in need of your tender mercy Lord.
names are not important, the Lord knows each and every one
Amen
Wishing for a peaceful night's rest.
In recent days there have several reminders of the fragility of life. I was once again reminded about the lesson of not taking even a moment for granted. A whole life can be changed in a split second.
These moments that we have are fleeting by and will pass all too soon, never to be seen again. It won't be like this very moment for long. The good moments are here to cherish and the bad ones, all of them, they will surely pass too.
I have been trapped, in a sense, trying to capture the good moments and hold on to them for dear life, all the while trying to let the bad ones pass quickly. It is a tricky task to say the least. A real balancing act that often leaves me quite exhausted.
I am at a loss for words tonight as I labyrinth through all too familiar territory and try to find my way once again. I will pray. It is there with my Lord, that I find renewed strength and peace.
I petition your prayers tonight. Will you pray for:
our PICU Family and medical team as they care for the special children entrusted to them.
the families of these special children, hold them close and give them comfort Lord
the PICU families that we bonded so deeply with during our own journey. They have each been heavy on my heart in recent days
the other grieving families that we have come to know
safe travel for so many. Friends, family, and even a friend "running" with her heart
healing and strength for many friends and family, there are so many Lord that are in need of your tender mercy Lord.
names are not important, the Lord knows each and every one
Amen
Wishing for a peaceful night's rest.
Monday, November 2, 2009
156
It's been awhile since I had a post with numbers for a title.
I have been having a great time serving as a Parent Volunteer this fall. Actually it is my very first opportunity to play that role. I am grateful and enjoying every minute of my time with the children in school. It has been eye opening to say the least. My children are all blessed to have such wonderful teachers. That is what so many of us desire, to have a teacher who will love your children during the hours of the day when you cannot be there with them.
SO ...on to my number title. This post is dedicated to my son and his classmates.
156 is actually the difference between the total number of tissues donated to the PICU today and the number of tissues donated in May. So for those loyal readers and those that are simply curious, that means that the total number of personal tissue packs donated today was 856!
I'd say that is is pretty amazing! Many PICU parents and families will greatly appreciate these soft tissues. I really can't thank my tissue donors enough. Thanks for helping me to spread "Rays of Sunshine" to those who need it most in memory of our precious Jeremy. Your generosity and compassion will make such a difference.
I'm grateful...and so is our PICU family.
I have been having a great time serving as a Parent Volunteer this fall. Actually it is my very first opportunity to play that role. I am grateful and enjoying every minute of my time with the children in school. It has been eye opening to say the least. My children are all blessed to have such wonderful teachers. That is what so many of us desire, to have a teacher who will love your children during the hours of the day when you cannot be there with them.
SO ...on to my number title. This post is dedicated to my son and his classmates.
156 is actually the difference between the total number of tissues donated to the PICU today and the number of tissues donated in May. So for those loyal readers and those that are simply curious, that means that the total number of personal tissue packs donated today was 856!
I'd say that is is pretty amazing! Many PICU parents and families will greatly appreciate these soft tissues. I really can't thank my tissue donors enough. Thanks for helping me to spread "Rays of Sunshine" to those who need it most in memory of our precious Jeremy. Your generosity and compassion will make such a difference.
I'm grateful...and so is our PICU family.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halloween 2009
Yesterday was a tough day. I was really worried about how today, our second Halloween without our precious Jeremy, would go.
Last year I remember Halloween was horrible. I spent so much of the day focused on our other children and making their day happy and special that I gave little thought to the landslide of grief that would settle in for the ride. By the time the grief settled in, there was little that I could do to manage the pain. A good friend and neighbor hugged me, allowed me to share what I was feeling, and handed me a glass of wine. (If you are reading this K., know that you and your family are missed.) A big reason that I felt so bad on Halloween was the fact that the grief was truly not expected that day. I knew other upcoming days would surely be painful but I did not expect it at all on Halloween.
This year, the day was still painful but definitely different. This year the decorations that were visible in yards around our town were particularly bothersome to me. I do realize that I have no right to say a word about the ways in which others choose to decorate their homes for the holidays. It was just a little unnerving to see graveyard scenes and skeletons looking so gory.
This year memories are much more vivid. I know I have mentioned before that the numbness I felt last year is completely gone. I am feeling the loss at full force speed. I remember the Halloween of 2007 that I was very pregnant. I remember those moments and then my brain is left to figure out how in the world I arrived at this place in my life, grieving the loss of my child, my baby. To understand that reality, it means that I must drag myself through some pretty horrific events.
A wise person objectively looked at the situation and helped me devise a "plan" so that we could attempt to avoid the same outcome as last year. Notice the word "plan".
The cool thing about plans is that there can many of them, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. You can abort the plan at any given time,determined solely by us, and you can also change the plan as needed. We don't need to married to a plan and execute it all the way until the end either. We had many other grieving families mention to us that planning for the difficult days was helpful. This idea of planning was so foreign yet desired last year. We just wanted a magic plan. We wanted someone else to make the perfect plan that would make the various situations as bearable as possible. Trouble is, no one can do that because grief is personal to each person and even to each family. Last year, we were numb, and we really had no idea what we wanted, what would feel okay, and even how to go about making such a plan. We got worn out in the discussion phase of the "plan". So last year, planning didn't always work out so good for us.
The magic plan never showed up. We have thankfully survived the year of firsts. So we at least have that first set of experiences to help guide us a bit.
So now on to the Halloween plan for 2009. The plan was to carve out a little time for Jeremy, to include him in on the festivities of the day. We began the day eating pumpkin waffles, which were quite delicious. We then headed to the soccer fields for a double game day. We enjoyed the role of the cheering squad and the older kids both played "Bootifully" There was a super fun Halloween party and also last minute decorating to do. My oldest son was even thoughtful enough to decorate Jeremy's picture by making his tombstone. Hard on me. Needful for him. He is processing this grief so much differently than I am. There was snuggle time while we watched Halloween movies and ate roasted pumpkin seeds. All in all, the whole day, I knew there would be time for Jeremy and it made the day somewhat easier to get through.
It was a deliberate thought to include Jeremy in our day. We made a sunshine Jack-O-Lantern in his memory. We visited the cemetery and placed a larger pumpkin on his grave. We revisited our discussions of our grief and answered more questions surrounding Jeremy's death. We lit a candle on our table during the trick-or-treating time to honor his memory and remaining presence in our hearts. Not easy by any sense of the word, but definitely better than last year.
I almost made it through the day without the magnitude of grief knocking me over...
Toward the end of the Trick-or Treat time a really cute little boy came walking up to our doorstep. You guessed it. He was almost two. His mother beamed with pride and joy as she stated to us that he would be two at the end of November. I mustered up a polite smile and then crumbled inside. There it was, right in front of me, a classic reminder of the very thing that I had lost. This was a big "Pause" moment for me. It nearly took my breath away.
A few deep breaths later I recovered. No one ever said that grief was quick and easy. I had told a fellow grieving parent that I expected moments of pause and sadness to show up this year. I am proud to say that I didn't spend the whole day residing in fear and running from the pain. Better yet, I tried my best to carry on, finding joy with the other kids and making the most of the day. I just expected those pause moments to come and when they did, I wasn't surprised. I was able to truly pause, remember Jeremy, reflect, and then return to what I was doing. I was even surprised at how smoothly and how quickly I was able to transition from place to place today. The "plan" helped me. I am learning to carry my grief alongside the way that I have determined that I want to live the rest of my life.
Overall, the "plan" worked out okay for us. I am grateful for the objective nudge to plan some special time for Jeremy today too. I even get an extra hour of sleep tonight to refuel for tomorrow. It is All Saints Day...another trying day.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Angel Mail #11
Dear Jeremy,
Hugs and kisses sweet little man. XXXXOOO You always looked like such a little man. Your hair was amazing! It fooled a lot of people trying to guess your age. Your hair was full, thick, and it just fell naturally into a hairstyle that left many thinking that we had just had it cut. All of it was completely natural and just the way that God made you. I also think you had such depth to your face and to the expressions that you made. It seemed like you knew more about life than anyone ever knew. Knowing what I know now, I think that you must have. OH how I wish we were better able to communicate back then. Perhaps then maybe your story would have ended differently.
I am having a hard time writing with the past tense today. I do not like writing about things that have already happened and events that lie completely in the past. I do not like wondering about what might have been. I want to write about real stories from today and look forward to a thousand tomorrows. I long to see you and to know more about you.
You would be 23 months old today. It is the last time that we parents count our children's ages in months. You would be turning two years old soon and then three, four, etc. You would be... that could be a story in itself.
I see the possibilities of a life shared with you on earth all around me every day. It pains me deeply to be without you. I am still embracing my grief for I know that is the ticket to healing. I am working really hard to examine my grief and to shift my thinking so I can see a whole new perspective of the way things are and the way that things will be in the years to come. I remain committed to healing in a healthy way for me, your Daddy, and your siblings. It is long and hard work.
The possibilities of what you do each day in heaven and in the presence of God fascinates and comforts me. I think often how you don't hurt at all, how you are simply perfect, how you are running, laughing, and playing with many of the angel children we have come to know and love. Our families have become friends as we all share a common bond grieving the loss of our children. We have learned to lean a little on each other for strength and support. I wonder what all of you children must be like together. I wonder how you are spending time with other members of our family that have gone on before us too. I wonder how badly you wish you could share with me even a glimpse of how wonderful heaven really is, because then I truly wouldn't be sad at all. It is a faith journey that I must travel on my own.
All positive and faithful thinking aside I am still sad sometimes, okay a lot. I am trying to live life the best way I know how, all the while, hoping to honor you and to bring glory to God. I sincerely hope there is some understanding that I am at least trying to lead a good life.
I know that you would want me to live my life fully and with great joy. You made it possible for us to see the world from a different lens. We see more clearly and more powerfully the heart of the matter surrounding many if not all of life experiences.
Jeremy, here or there, you remain a part of me and you always will. You will always be my little man. I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten you today on such a milestone day. I will never forget, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!
My Deepest Love to You On the Wings of Angels,
Mommy
Thursday, October 29, 2009
An Attitude With Gratitude
"The happiest people do not have the best of everything. They just make the best of what they have."
I borrowed this from yet another blog this week. Can you tell that we have been hanging out on the couch for over a week now?
That quote seems to sum up what our family has been doing for a year and a few months now. We have been trying to make the most out of life and trying to figure out how to carry this enormous pain in our hearts at the same time. It is a tough job.
Perspective is a key element in finding joy. Having a heart filled with gratitude can make a hug difference on your outlook on life.
Last night we were faced with the sad experience of saying good bye and farewell to yet another person who has made a tremendous difference in the lives of EVERY member of our family. I've come to realize that I do not like good byes. So I put my "attitude with gratitude" into motion and the perspective shifts a little...
We "GET" to feel sad saying goodbye. It is a gift because it is a sign that we loved well and were loved in return. Feeling sad means this person has made a way into our hearts. This person made a difference and really helped us in ways that are immeasurable and for this we are grateful.
We GET the opportunity to say goodbye and to share with this person the ways that they have impacted our lives for the better.
We GET to say good bye and to have that sense of closure but will remain hopeful that we will be able to stay in touch over the years.
We GET to feel sad because it means we know the tremendous gift of letting people into our hearts and into our lives,especially during a time of great need and despair. We had the privilege of seeing the numerous (too many to count)provisions that God made for us when we needed it most. We know about and felt the ways that family, friends, and even more profound, the ways that complete strangers can impact a human heart and soul. We have learned to accept the helping hands, compassion, love, and support that so many others can offer.
We GET to say goodbye knowing that God placed this person in our lives at a very specific time and for a very specific purpose.
We GET to say goodbye knowing that our lives are better for having had this person leave their mark on our hearts. The lessons we have learned will remain a part of who we have become.
We GET to say goodbye at a time when we are stronger.
We GET to say goodbye with fond memories and stories to warm our hearts for many years to come.
We GET to hold this person in our hearts forever. Memories last a lifetime.
We GET to warmly send this special person on their way and share in their joy and excitement as they begin a new chapter of their life journey here on earth. We GET to feel joy in our hearts knowing that this person is embracing the "good" in life and chasing after it with their whole mind, body, and soul. One must ride out the good waves of life for as long as you can and as far as they will take you. CARPE DIEM!
So while it still makes us feel sad to say goodbye, an attitude with gratitude makes all of the difference in the world!
** I have had to say goodbye too many times to count this last year. Not even one was easy. I had each and every one of these people in mind as I wrote this post. If any of you are reading this, know that you are deeply missed and thought of often. You are FOREVER in our hearts and will never be forgotten.
I borrowed this from yet another blog this week. Can you tell that we have been hanging out on the couch for over a week now?
That quote seems to sum up what our family has been doing for a year and a few months now. We have been trying to make the most out of life and trying to figure out how to carry this enormous pain in our hearts at the same time. It is a tough job.
Perspective is a key element in finding joy. Having a heart filled with gratitude can make a hug difference on your outlook on life.
Last night we were faced with the sad experience of saying good bye and farewell to yet another person who has made a tremendous difference in the lives of EVERY member of our family. I've come to realize that I do not like good byes. So I put my "attitude with gratitude" into motion and the perspective shifts a little...
We "GET" to feel sad saying goodbye. It is a gift because it is a sign that we loved well and were loved in return. Feeling sad means this person has made a way into our hearts. This person made a difference and really helped us in ways that are immeasurable and for this we are grateful.
We GET the opportunity to say goodbye and to share with this person the ways that they have impacted our lives for the better.
We GET to say good bye and to have that sense of closure but will remain hopeful that we will be able to stay in touch over the years.
We GET to feel sad because it means we know the tremendous gift of letting people into our hearts and into our lives,especially during a time of great need and despair. We had the privilege of seeing the numerous (too many to count)provisions that God made for us when we needed it most. We know about and felt the ways that family, friends, and even more profound, the ways that complete strangers can impact a human heart and soul. We have learned to accept the helping hands, compassion, love, and support that so many others can offer.
We GET to say goodbye knowing that God placed this person in our lives at a very specific time and for a very specific purpose.
We GET to say goodbye knowing that our lives are better for having had this person leave their mark on our hearts. The lessons we have learned will remain a part of who we have become.
We GET to say goodbye at a time when we are stronger.
We GET to say goodbye with fond memories and stories to warm our hearts for many years to come.
We GET to hold this person in our hearts forever. Memories last a lifetime.
We GET to warmly send this special person on their way and share in their joy and excitement as they begin a new chapter of their life journey here on earth. We GET to feel joy in our hearts knowing that this person is embracing the "good" in life and chasing after it with their whole mind, body, and soul. One must ride out the good waves of life for as long as you can and as far as they will take you. CARPE DIEM!
So while it still makes us feel sad to say goodbye, an attitude with gratitude makes all of the difference in the world!
** I have had to say goodbye too many times to count this last year. Not even one was easy. I had each and every one of these people in mind as I wrote this post. If any of you are reading this, know that you are deeply missed and thought of often. You are FOREVER in our hearts and will never be forgotten.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A Beautiful View
Sometimes it feels nice to just take a moment to enjoy the beauty of fall. This is one my favorite trees in the fall and it just happens to be right in my own backyard. Our sunflower garden is dwindling, but none the less, still blooming so I have not had the heart to take it down. To my amazement, the sunflowers are blooming just beneath my favorite tree. (Insert smile) I love this tree because it has all of the colors of fall on one tree. It just stands out next to the other trees in the woods. It is a welcomed sight outside my window.
So for now I will continue to enjoy the beautiful sights of fall. I will open the windows to allow the smells of fall indoors and will also enjoy the comforts of fall foods. I will enjoy watching the leaves fall to the ground so that we can hear the crunching sound beneath our feet on fall walks and jump in the leaf piles.
I will enjoy each moment today and in the coming weeks for all to soon we will enter a painful season of time. I wish I could hibernate.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Encouragement
Powerful words spoken by another Mom in the midst of a tough battle with her daugher.
She said...
I read something the other day that was an encouragement. It didn't serve to say that our days would get easier, rather that they would be purpose filled. I would so desperately love for all of this to go away, to go back to the days before. Life with more innocence, or maybe just more naivety. I know no one would ever want to travel this road and yet there are many families that have no choice. However, God uses these children mightily even in their suffering. Here is the excerpt that I read..
"When your faith endures many conflicts and your spirit sinks low, do not condemn yourself. There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others, you must pass through their trials. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come from your trials and depression....... Charles Spurgeon. "
I have pondered these very words a lot and still do not have very many answers. I do however remain in a journey towards trust that good will come come from this horrific trial. Don't get me wrong signs of this "good" have been showing up all along but it is all a matter of perspective for us in particular. We are walking a journey to release that claim to "good" and walk with the attitude of being used to fulfill a greater purpose in life and to do our part to bring glory to God.
You see "good" to us is a place where we are a family of six for real here on this earth. So we are left to walk daily on a journey of acceptance of being called to another purpose and releasing our anger towards not being in control of any of it.
She said...
I read something the other day that was an encouragement. It didn't serve to say that our days would get easier, rather that they would be purpose filled. I would so desperately love for all of this to go away, to go back to the days before. Life with more innocence, or maybe just more naivety. I know no one would ever want to travel this road and yet there are many families that have no choice. However, God uses these children mightily even in their suffering. Here is the excerpt that I read..
"When your faith endures many conflicts and your spirit sinks low, do not condemn yourself. There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others, you must pass through their trials. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come from your trials and depression....... Charles Spurgeon. "
I have pondered these very words a lot and still do not have very many answers. I do however remain in a journey towards trust that good will come come from this horrific trial. Don't get me wrong signs of this "good" have been showing up all along but it is all a matter of perspective for us in particular. We are walking a journey to release that claim to "good" and walk with the attitude of being used to fulfill a greater purpose in life and to do our part to bring glory to God.
You see "good" to us is a place where we are a family of six for real here on this earth. So we are left to walk daily on a journey of acceptance of being called to another purpose and releasing our anger towards not being in control of any of it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Weekending
I read lots of blogs. One blog writer often publishes posts on Mondays called Weekending. I like to share my own Weekending post.
It seems as though everyone I know has a household of germs. The number of family members infected seems to vary. We have joined the ranks of those infected with germs.
In our house this weekend we:
have taken lots of naps
watched our fair share of movies
woken up many times overnight
eaten lots of soup
drank lots of warm liquids
enjoyed Pumpkin ice cream
got the humidifier running
made the sanitizer, warm water and soap, and even Lysol/Clorox our new best friends
played lots of Webkinz arcade games
played numerous games of Go Fish and King in the Corner
prayed for healing and to calm anxiety
made regular time intervals with Motrin
used up the last of my favorite Hand Lotion to prevent dry and chapped hands
tended to laundry, laundry, and more laundry
read lots of our favorite stories
played gently outside just to soak up a little sunshine
watched a few football games
and last but not least, even lost a tooth.
How was your weekend? What ways do you and your family cope with illness in your home. What thoughts on comfort do you have to share?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Six Little Pumpkins
We took a trip to the Pumpkin farm to pick our pumpkins. The older kids miss going on school trips to the farm. So after school one day we decided to race the rain clouds and sneak in some pumpkin picking time. Each child picked their own pumpkin and carried it out of the patch. They decided to take one home for Jeremy too which melted my heart. On the way home from the patch we stopped by the cemetery. All in all, a bittersweet day. We are still a family of six even if it isn't always to visible to others around us.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My Savior Leads Me
I have been fixed on a certain song by Chris Tomlin all week. It has been on repeat mode on my car CD player and I have found such comfort listening to it as I have driven from here to there about 100 times a day. It is called All The Ways My Savior Leads Me. The lyrics are below. I was not able to locate it on Playlist. I especially love the imagery involved in the chorus "You lead me and keep me from falling. You carry me close to your heart and surely your goodness and mercy will follow me."
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide
All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread
You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me
All the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way
All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me
Indeed My Savior Leads Me...I'll share an excerpt from my day.
School was cancelled today since there were a number of teachers that have come down with the flu. In fact, we know of several families experiencing similar symptoms. Unfortunately illness of any kind just brings to the surface a lot of anxiety for me. I won't go into any deeper thoughts than that. Just like anyone else, we are not immune from illness and disease. This time of year just brings more anxiety and uneasiness for me due to my past experiences with health conditions in general, but especially those related to Jeremy.
After completing a few activities to keep up with school assignments since there was no school today, we all decided we needed to get outside and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. So off we went for a bike/scooter ride.
I also needed some time to connect with the splendor and beauty of fall. I needed time to reflect on many of the beautiful aspects of my life and the scenery all around me was a good place to start. Recently there have been numerous situations in my life where I have felt a little frustration . I once again struggle with trying to understand God's will and his plan. I am a slow learner I suppose. His ways are not like my ways and His thoughts not like my thoughts. I need to get to a place where I implicitly just trust Him, but it is not an easy thing for me to do.
A few weeks ago I really struggled with one particular experience. I prayed really hard for God's wisdom and direction to help me make a decision. Without going into a long and really unnecessary story describing the details, the important thing to know was that in the end, the answer I received was to not take part in the experience. To be honest, I didn't understand and was frustrated. This experience seemed like it would be a good thing for me in more ways than one. Now while my Lord did not owe me any explanations, that is exactly what he offered me today. Grant it this enlightenment came several weeks later after making my decision but none the less, I was in awe and felt a sense of understanding after all. He did that for me...His decision freed me from a potentially painful experience that perhaps He knew better than I, that I wouldn't have had the strength to endure. At least not now anyway. He did that for me. My Savior leads me. I am in awe.
After that experience, I knew I really needed a change of scenery. So imagine my delight when after walking for less than 100 ft I spotted the Frisbee pictured above. I know who is responsible for that gesture since it is fall and I could have easily walked right past this location and never spotted a thing. Even stranger yet, that of all things to be on that Frisbee was a sunshine. I'm not surprised.
My Savior Leads Me. Jeremy is with me too.
So in these uncertain times and trials of life, know that the Lord and Savior will lead you and hold you close to his heart. He alone will keep us all from falling. He will meet us where we are and carry us when needed. His grace and mercy are like that. I also know that while uncertain times bring anxiety, frustration, a lack of understanding, and a whole host of other emotions, He understands them all. He wants us to bring those to Him and lay them at the foot of the cross. Most importantly I know that he is weaving the masterpiece of our lives and that while we do not understand His ways, he is busy weaving things together for our good. It just may take awhile for us to see the whole picture. We must trust in Him and be patient. One day it will all become crystal clear and we will fully understand our journey on this earth.
1 Thessalonians 5:17
Faith shouldn't die if the answers come slowly, for the delay may be God's way of working his will. When you are tired of praying, know that God is present, always listening, always answering-in ways that he knows are best.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
I also wanted to share some notes in my bible about this verse. God works in everything-not just isolated incidents, for our good. This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our long range good. Note that God is not working to make us happy but to fulfill his purpose. Our faith is God does not waiver in pain and persecution because we know God is with us.
May you feel peace in your hearts today regardless of the circumstances that may surround you. God is with us all.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Expectations
I didn't realize so much time had passed since my last post. Truth be told I have had many difficult days lately. I have fallen in love with a new term, "labrinthing". I am labrinthing through my own cycle of grief. Hopefully each time I pass through the same feelings, I will find my way out sooner and escape with a little less pain each time.
It is no secret that I have high expectations of myself. A fellow grieving mother reminded me that those very expectations can look a little different for those suffering from grief. I read everything I could get my hands on last year regarding grief and heaven. This year, I have revisited many of those same resources and it amazes me how differently I have internalized the material. The following poem is beautiful. Perhaps helpful to others who may be experiencing the same hurt as I am or maybe someone contemplating how to help someone grieving a loss of someone they love.
Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be said and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.
I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle him at an hour at a time.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends.
Dear God,
You know all too well the plans that you have for me and my life. I do not. Please forgive me for fighting the circumstances of my life and behaving in such a way that may seem as though I do not trust you completely. I am struggling to understand my purpose on this earth. All I have ever known has been changed in a instant right before my eyes. There are so many resemblances to my old life within my sight every day. I know my completeness dwells within you Lord. Show me the way. Light the way and be patient, for I am following you. I trust you and know that I have peace in You alone.
Amen.
It is no secret that I have high expectations of myself. A fellow grieving mother reminded me that those very expectations can look a little different for those suffering from grief. I read everything I could get my hands on last year regarding grief and heaven. This year, I have revisited many of those same resources and it amazes me how differently I have internalized the material. The following poem is beautiful. Perhaps helpful to others who may be experiencing the same hurt as I am or maybe someone contemplating how to help someone grieving a loss of someone they love.
Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be said and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.
I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle him at an hour at a time.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends.
Dear God,
You know all too well the plans that you have for me and my life. I do not. Please forgive me for fighting the circumstances of my life and behaving in such a way that may seem as though I do not trust you completely. I am struggling to understand my purpose on this earth. All I have ever known has been changed in a instant right before my eyes. There are so many resemblances to my old life within my sight every day. I know my completeness dwells within you Lord. Show me the way. Light the way and be patient, for I am following you. I trust you and know that I have peace in You alone.
Amen.
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