Depth of Heart

My soul has struggled with so many things these last few days. Who am I kidding... I can't remember a time when I wasn't plagued with this heaviness. I have literally worn myself out. My thinker is going a mile a minute and my heart is unable to comprehend, that the answers it seeks, will not be found on this side of heaven. Between the two systems in overdrive, I am left in a place that is difficult to describe. I am grateful for each moment that I breathe and I am trying to live in the moment realizing that, this time embedded in today, is all I have been given. Yet, all at the same time, the weight and the gravity of this world has me on my knees and longing to sleep. Longing to sleep so I can DREAM of something else, something peaceful and of a place where life doesn't hurt so much. The two don't mix well. I have been here before and yet I still find it impossibly difficult to describe the wide range range of emotions that are battling within me, much less to cope with them all on a daily ongoing basis.


I began getting ready for this month by changing my playlist to incorporate some LOVE songs and to get in the mood for the season, but even those songs are too loud for me tonight. My soul is craving quiet and peace, something I continually seek. The music choice currently on the playlist somehow helps to encourage that sense of peace and helps me to relax a little. I can only hope that you enjoy it too!


My heart hurts deeply for those that suffer in this world. My response is filled with deep despair and then to dispense LOVE. It's all I really know.


Someone told me today that I have a big heart. I truly don't see any other way to live. I am challenged by the notion that it is not enough, not nearly enough. I wish there were a way to make these hurts go away but I know in my heart of hearts, that there isn't such a way. I am a different person now. I just can't stand where I am in the midst of my own life and and watch the suffering and hurt before me and choose do nothing at all. I must find a way to reach the hearts of the suffering, even if only to share with them that they are not alone and that someone cares. Sometimes it really is that simple folks, when you get down to the core. Those that suffer, they know that those around them are powerless to change their circumstances. Their hearts, why, they long to just be loved. That's all. That love, the love shared and given purely, propels you when you haven't the strength to go on by your own will. These examples of love shown by others in my own journey with Jeremy, are bubbling closest to the surface in my personal memory, so I speak of truth and of experience when I share this heartfelt message to you.


There is a child facing cancer, something no child should face in my opinion. After many months of treatment, her family has recently discovered that the cancer is ever present. The family and doctors are awaiting some further test results to determine the best course of future treatments, but it has been shared that is will most likely be experimental. The parents are awaiting a miracle to heal their daughter. They are filled with hope and also with great fear. The family has honestly discussed with their daughter and their other children the reality of the day to day situation. There was a recent and delicate conversation between mom and daughter. A conversation that has buckled me tonight. I do not pretend, even for a moment, to know the exact feelings of this family, as they are unique and special to this family. I can only relate my personal feelings knowing the journey that my own two feet have previously walked and the way that my heart has felt and continues to feel in the present time. I can only relate and respond with HEARTBROKEN LOVE.

The conversation:

The daughter says to her Mom, "I don't want to go without you Mom, I'll miss you too much." To which the Mom replies, "I don't want you to go without me either."

Two sentences.

Two sentences in time that have more gravity than most than I will ever know.

I tearfully have no words....seriously, what words could articulate the depth of that place? A place no mother ever imagined herself to be much less to walk with her her own flesh and blood, her child.

All I can say is that God IS in that place, right there in the midst of that pain, that suffering, and those questions to why? Why haven't you healed her? Why haven't you shown your power yet? I know these thoughts and questions, I am very familiar with them all. These are life changing events that rock you to the core and leave you forever changed. These circumstances leave you unrecognizable even to yourself. There are many circumstances that fit this bill...many who are reading this are filling in the blank with their own Plan B circumstance. Divorce. Financial distress, death, heath issues like diseases, disorders, and illnesses, the list is endless really.

This sweet girl, one child, one family, one heartfelt tragedy. That is enough. One in how many you ask? ONE TOO MANY!!!!! There are others. Sadly many others. I wish with all my heart that this wasn't the truth but it devastates me to write what you already know, this isn't one isolated story. Neither was ours. It is a sad reality that we face in our day to day world. What can we do about it? What does the bible say?

Wait for the Lord's help.
Be strong and brave and wait for the Lord's help
Psalms 27:14

I wait for the Lord to help me, and I trust his word.
Psalms 130:5

I find rest in God;
only he gives me hope.
He is my rock and my salvation.
He is my defender;I will not be defeated.
Psalms 62: 5-6

Pete Wilson says in his book, Plan B, that "whether we may frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, confused, and exhausted, we can simply collapse in the arms of our Heavenly Father where we can allow Him to fill us with His comfort. Rest in Him and allow Him to be our rock and fortress in this uncertain time. Rest in Him while we are waiting and let Him be our hope. "



What a beautiful image. Collapsing in the arms of our savior... It is this very place that I was able to release my child, my own flesh and blood. Why is this harder for me to do with myself?

I am not worthy but yet, none the less, ransomed and redeemed to this very place.

Pete goes on in his book to acknowledge those same questions that we face. He says:

"Hardly a day goes by that we don't witness a collision between these two realities. How can we reconcile these two unmixable components: a God of love who is all powerful and the universal experience of tragedy and suffering? Pete, just like us wonders if our finite minds are even capable of the real answers to that question. Pete reminds us that because of Jesus suffering is never the last word. We are promised that if we put our trust in God, there will be a day, when He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain. Revelations 21:4.



Here is where Faith comes into play. A choice... Faith is saying that I believe in You God, more than this tragedy. I throw myself in utter dependence on You and in You alone, a God who specializes in resurrections, a God who brings hope to the hopeless, a God who is father to the fatherless, a God who is willing to send His only son to the cross to prove that He is more powerful than the worst thing that evil can do."

Romans 8 :18 assures that the sufferings that we face now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be shown to us. I know these can be hard words to comprehend in the midst of suffering. I live that challenge every day of my life. Which brings us to another example of the choice in where we place our faith. Pete reminds us that in that our faith is where God meets us, right there...right where life hurts the most. God offers us His presence, His comfort, and His assurance that He is all powerful and fully in control of the situation.

What else can we do?

LOVE...Love your nears and dears. Make today count. Do it now. Don't wait. Tomorrow has not arrived yet and none of us know for sure what it will bring. There are gifts and blessings that surround you each and every day. Perhaps they are so simple that they are taken for granted. Notice them. Slow down and see what is before your very eyes, with the perspective that it can ALL vanish in an instant. Live without regret. none

What else...

LOVE those that are suffering around you. You are not called to change the circumstance. You are not called to understand it ,to rationalize it. or to imagine it. You are not called to even begin to relate to it. All you need to do is LOVE them, the suffering, through it. You ARE equipped. Each of us is given exactly what we need, precisely at the right time when it is needed. DO It. DO it now...if your heart thinks it, consider it a a nudge from God and ACT on it. Make the call, send the card, click send on the email, make the meal, buy the chicken at Costco, MAKE LOVE A VERB, not a feeling kept to yourself in your own heart. I promise you, it is the right thing to do. It will make a greatest impact on the heart of the person in mind and also in you. Be prepared, you may not expect what happens to your soul as a result of this heartfelt response to others in need. It, in and of itself, is life changing.

I will tearfully close this message and hold on to my faith in a God that is bigger and more powerful than the suffering and troubling times that are within and surround me. I will hold onto my faith in a God that will make all things good, all things right, and perfect in His sight. I will hold onto Him and choose to LET GO of the things that are not mine to control and in turn embrace the OPPORTUNITY within each day to grow closer to the person that God created created me to be for HIS glory.

In the meantime, will you pray with me?

Dear God,

We humble ourselves before you tonight. Evil and troubling situations are in our midst. We ask Lord for Your mercy, Your grace, Your wisdom, and most importantly for Your will to be done in each and every circumstance that we bring before You. We ask you Lord, to fill us with Your presence. Grant us Lord Your peace and comfort knowing that You are already fully aware of these circumstances that trouble our hearts and minds. Fill us Lord with Your peace knowing that You are fully in control of these circumstances and that they will all be weaved together in Your time for the greater good and according to Your will. Oh Lord, our tender and fragile hearts cry out to you for your mercy upon those that suffer. Grant them your healing and your peace . Help them Lord to feel Your presence among them and help them to be unafraid of whatever this mortal life may offer, knowing that Your arms promise an eternity of all things made good and perfect in every way. Fill the voids Lord. Fill the emptiness. Fill ALL of the places where questions and fear are creating an ever growing space between You and Your sheep. Help our Faith to grow in those places instead, knowing that You are bigger than the troubles that we may be facing. We ask for Your intimate relationship with us Lord. You know and understand our hurts and pain Lord better than anyone . Teach us to turn to You first, for our strength and comfort in these times of strife. Help us to know Your love for us and to have the strength to share that very LOVE with those who may need it the most. We pray all these things in Your Name, Amen.