Dear Jeremy,
Hi! Oh, how your Mama misses you! To this day I long for your presence in my arms! Today, I find myself to be like you, the baby, longing to be rocked in my Father's arms, searching for the comfort from the pain of this world and losing you. It has been three years since I last held you in my arms. Three years, yet it seems like yesterday. Time is relative to me, something that no longer makes any sense to me or moves as expected. I am scattered into many years of the present and also of today. There are so many days where I just feel so lost...I feel like I have gained so many valuable lessons in life after what we we have been through together, yet to this day, I also at the same time feel as though I can barely survive the everyday moments without you.
Mama has been doing battle with her soul and trying to do what is considered right within the world of today. The pain eats me alive and yet I don't want to be defined by that pain. I know you wouldn't want me to be that way and so I continue to forge ahead into new places without you, but all the while, know that I am forever changed by you and the life experience that we shared. You are part of me forever...I wouldn't be the person that I am today without you and yet there is little that I can love about myself because it all largely came at the cost of losing you in this world. The very thought of you, the suffering that you endured, those moments where we were kept from the expected newborn baby and family path, the continued abandonment of the life that I wanted and planned for, ALL OF IT, it is all profoundly responsible for keeping me from completely unraveling...or am I?
There are moments embedded within each and every single day where I am in utter amazement at each and every one of your siblings. I get lost in my love for them. They are each unique, special, and a blessing to me and to this world in their own individual ways. Then it comes, it ALWAYS comes, the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, And HOW questions, they always come. What IF you were here? What if you didn't go to heaven? What If life had gone the way I had hoped and planned? Who would I be? What would our life look like? In what ways would our family be so very different? What would I be feeling? I trust by now that all of those questions are answered for you and it all makes perfect sense to you by now. Oh, how how I long for that knowledge and understanding to transcend to me.
After all, my life, it really isn't mine. It belongs to God, it always has and it always will. He is there when each and every tear that falls from my eye, He is there to fill me in places where the world just can't, He is there to show me love and peace...He offered me His detour, His perfect plan and will for my life and for Yours. Who am I to question His authority? Why do I fight His will with my own ideas and plans? Why can't I just fully DWELL in His will for my life??? I want to, I want to with all that I am. I am working so hard, so painfully hard at this pruning cycle, all the while keeping my eyes fixed upon the cross knowing full well that there is purpose in the pain and good fruit to bear sometime soon. There is good and there IS joy embedded right beside my grief while I get to the everyday work that is asked of me and while I am shedding the tears of grief and pain.
I can only imagine what heaven must be like...if you even think of me, know that every cell of me remembers you. I remember it all, the good, the bad, and even the moments most would want to forget. I remember most of all, what you have taught me and what you continue to stretch me to become each and every day! There are surely rough waters left to navigate, but as good ole' Garth sings, "with the Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." One day we will be reunited and I look forward to that moment more than words can say.
Until then...
I send my love to You on Angel's Wings,
Mama
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