Angel Mail #4

Dear Jeremy,

Well what a year this has been. Jeremy, this time last year we embraced the dawn of 2008 with such high hopes of health and joy for you and our family. "2008 will be great" we chanted in our minds. At the time, it seemed that we had triumphed over the mountain and could rest and enjoy life in the valley.

We had no idea the climb that we would begin to make in April. There were mountains after mountains to climb. We would no sooner get to the bottom of one mountain and there would be another waiting for us. Many times, the next mountain appeared just as we started to descend down the side of another, well before even making it into the valley. Jeremy there were so many mountains and they were so steep. Many times, we thought you would be too tired and would be unable to keep climbing, but you did. You were amazing. We were all so proud of you. We thought this journey would end well and that we would always have this great story to tell you as you grew up. As you now know, we reached the summit of our last mountain early in June, but there was no way down again. We panicked. We soon came to realize there was no way out or back down the side of that mountain. We soon realized that we would no longer be together as a whole family here on earth ever again. Jesus himself came down from heaven to rescue you from this earth and the suffering that you came to know. For that I am grateful. Someone reminded me recently that once we get to heaven that we will not remember the hurt of this world. I rejoice for you and your renewed spirit with Jesus in heaven. I rejoice knowing that heaven is so wonderful that you do not remember the tough journey that was your life.

We were left standing on the top of that mountain. It's hard to leave that place, to walk back down without you. Jesus himself has promised to walk beside me the whole way but it still hurts with every foot hold. The mountain is steep coming down too. If I walk too fast, I slip and fall. The rocks slip out from under me. Sometimes I have to stand still or sit down to rest. I keep looking back to the top of the mountain, where my life seemed as perfect as it would ever be and it nearly rips my heart out time and time again. Recalling our hike up the many mountains with you also brings much pain to my heart. As I walk down, I keep my eyes and heartsong focused on being reunited all together someday in heaven. It hurts greatly to walk even with assistance from Jesus and those angels on earth he has placed in my path.

These last few days have been a time of rest down the mountain side. I am sitting still here in this place. I know that there is no way to climb back to my old life with you. I also know that I cannot sit here long, but Jeremy I am tired and I just can't bear to walk farther from you. Not now. I know time will pull me on as much as I drag my feet in the dirt. Life will still move on without you and I will continue to walk on without you in my arms. It has been six months now, yet it still feels more like a very bad dream. I still keep waiting for someone to wake me up and for you to be in my arms safe and sound. Instead all I see is what my life would have been like, all around me. I see you everywhere. Most of the time I still can't bear to watch. A baby still has a way of knocking the wind right out of me. Time hasn't healed me, it has just moved on and dragged me with it. It is cold here. It even snowed this morning. I guess you probably already know that. I feel cold inside too.

Having said all of that, I am ever so thankful for the gift of your life. I was honored to be a part of your life. I wouldn't trade this hurt or to have had the chance to know you for anything. It is an expression here on earth to say "It is far better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." I know there are still great lessons to be learned from this journey with you. I suppose as the hurt begins to subside, I will be able to see things in a different light and will understand and learn more.

I have pondered the verse of my calendar today. "In the beginning God..." Genesis 1:1
"There can be no better way to end the year than to reflect on the beginning of another..."

This year there are mixed emotions. No one could argue that 2008 has been the worst year of my life. In some ways I am happy to see it end. It is very windy at home today. Maybe the wind will blow away this hurt, sadness, and grief that has engulfed my soul these last few months.

In a way I am sadder today as the dawn of 2009 approaches. For you see, you will have no part of this new year to come. You will not have a part in our physical world of 2009. You will remain in my heart forever but the turning of a new calendar year without you here on earth is excruciating. It is a milestone in and of itself, a new year, new memories, and a time of leaving the old ones behind forever. Your physical presence will be left in 2008. Time will move on.

I used to embrace the new year. It was a time for a fresh start, resolutions, a chance to become better in certain aspects of your life. I know that it is a choice every day to choose "joy" over grief. I know that there will be sunshine again, but am I wrong for wanting more than anything to share it with you? It just isn't the same without you. I also know that I am not immune from more pain and suffering in this lifetime. Jeremy I am afraid of more mountains to climb. I am afraid. I have learned all too well the painful side of life.

I know what 2008 brought. 2009 could be better or it could be filled with the same hurt and despair that we have come to know. But...God created the heavens and the earth and filled them with every blessing I have come to know. Who am I to sit in disbelief that he will make good on his promise to me.

I will choose this year to feel the sunshine kiss my face. I will choose to let my heart open itself to the joy that awaits me. I will pray that Jesus continues to hold onto me all the way down this mountain side and that he will guide me into the valley where I can bring him the most glory. I will choose to be transparent for others to see the ways that he is working and molding me in this new life. A new life that he has chosen for me. I am excited to see what awaits me but sad to know that this new life will take shape without you.

I love you from the depths of my soul and I always will. I send all my love to you on angel's wings...

Mommy