Christmas Reflections

We have much to be thankful for this Christmas season. It was a year like no other. It has taken me awhile to be quiet enough and collect my thoughts. It has taken even longer to put those feelings into words

We had the difficult task of trying to celebrate the holidays in a fashion that would be best for five grieving people, who are all different . My husband and I put our focus on the kids and tried to make decisions based on their happiness. The real question was do we continue our regular traditions or do we make new ones. I can tell you neither are without pain. There is and always will be someone missing in our family. In the end, we decided to do a little of both, we found ourselves taking part in old traditions and then creating new ones too.

We found the strength at the last minute to get dressed and gathered with family on Christmas Eve . The kids were happy to see their cousins and seemed oblivious to any pain. It was painful for me to be gathered as a family again knowing all the while that Jeremy wouldn't be a part of these traditions. We would never have the joy of watching Jeremy take his place among all of the cousins. We usually have a gift exchange for the adults. Everyone brings one gift and we have fun swapping the gifts around and having a joyous time. This year, my mother in law got a stocking for Jeremy and our family filled it with donations from the wish list's of the PICU and the Children's House. It was a wonderful way to still incorporate Jeremy into this family tradition on Christmas Eve. It also honored those wonderful places that took such loving care of Jeremy and us. In addition, it was a gift that will keep giving. Many critically ill children and their families will be able to use these gifts.

It was late and we quieted down the excitement to put the kids to bed. A friend stopped by with an important delivery. Apparently, a few weeks ago she had noticed Jeremy's stocking hanging in it's place among the others on a stairway. (We don't have a fireplace) She took it upon herself to make sure the stocking would be filled just like the others. She came over and filled Jeremy's stocking with many surprises for us to open on Christmas Day. Later on Christmas Day we would discover many thoughtful cards, letters, and gifts made with love and filled with prayers for us all from our faithful Prayer Warriors. It was amazing!! There was such warmth in our hearts as we opened each gift knowing that so many of you have lifted us up in prayer and that Jeremy and our family were remembered. Thank you Prayer Warriors for your gift that touched our souls deeply. Thank you Amy for organizing this for us!

There were other gifts delivered anonymously this Christmas. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and compassion as well. It was so touching that so many people took the time out of their busy lives, especially during the holidays, to think of us! Each gift and message was truly appreciated and loved..

Christmas Day was focused on the kids again. It did feel good to see the joy in their eyes as they came down the stairs on Christmas morning. The youngest was particularly excited this year and really had fun opening each and every gift. It was magical for him! I haven't seen my kids this happy in a long time! We feasted on a wonderful and delicious breakfast casserole made by a friend and enjoyed much of the morning in our pajamas.

Later that night we did make it to dinner at the home of my parents. They surprised us with a star named for Jeremy. We will look forward to finding the star together on a clear night. After all, he is a shining star in our hearts and he always will be.


There were many moments that day which took my breath away, moments where my heart felt that empty pit of Jeremy's absence in our family. I tried to focus on the idea of him celebrating Christmas with Jesus in heaven, oh what a sight that must be! While this was a beautiful image in my mind, I still missed him greatly.

There was also grief, sadness, and hurt all around me this year. We had friends whose children spent Christmas in the hospital. A young mother went home to heaven. A friend of mine has lost her son this holiday season. It was a different kind of Christmas for sure. This year it was hard to get excited about gifts and the fluff of Christmas. I just wanted it to be over. I honestly can't wait to put all of the decorations away and go back to normal days.

I just miss my baby so much...