Finding Sunshine

Well there are just no words to describe where I am. I am too tired and too sad to try and describe my feelings. I thought sleep deprivation from a newborn was bad. I was wrong. Depression and exhaustion are a bad mix.

I continue to find comfort in text, so I read. Tonight I stumbled onto a passage that struck me. A friend gave me a book called A Broken Heart Still Beats by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel . (Yes, I still haven't figured out how to underline a title in the blog format. )

The passage reads, "True grief. . . was a secret that defied divulging. There was no way to know it unless it had been bestowed upon you, no way to pass it on once it had arrived."
That was powerful. Oh, how I long to be done with this stage of my life and get back to where I was. If only that were really possible, but of course it isn't today, and it never will be. Jeremy will never come back to this house, his home here on earth. I will never hold my son again. The pain is just indescribable. I would never think of passing this on. I hurt even more knowing some of the other parents that carry this same cross. My heart aches even more for the ones that I don't know. I wouldn't pass this on knowingly to ANYONE!!!!!!

It hurts knowing that this grief is here to stay. I will need to learn a way to cope with it's existence in my life, but it is nonetheless, here to stay. So day after day, this is what happens.
"You just do what you need to do. You wake up every day, and you summon up the energy from somewhere, even when you think you haven't got it, and you get through the day. And you do that day, after day, after day." Jesus carries me these days for sure.

The day after day stuff is hard enough. The added stress of another holiday, Christmas, is drowning me.