As always, preparing for Christmas has been a balancing act. We asked the children what they wanted to do this year for Christmas. I think my husband and I could just skip over the holiday all together. We thought it would be great to go somewhere warm where it didn't even look like Christmas. However, we do have three other children and they deserve a "Merry Christmas" probably more than ever this year. They have been through a lot and we are so sad that they have had to learn of this pain at such a young age. They put up with a lot on a daily basis, more than most kids. We try to keep our focus on the real meaning of Christmas and making the holidays special for our children despite the intense sadness in our home.
The problem is we have barely got back on our feet from the Thanksgiving holidays and Jeremy's First Birthday. Now we are working hard to prepare our hearts for Christmas. As always, there are painful memories attached. This time last year, Jeremy was in the hospital for the first time. He was born with a birth defect that we didn't know about and needed emergency surgery to repair it. We saw so much during that period of time at the hospital. At that time, it was the worst thing that we had ever experienced with any of our children. However, we were continually reassured that Jeremy would be fine. He would leave the hospital and go on to lead a "normal" life. (We all know that never happened. Jeremy's life was far from normal) He would eat normal foods, play like normal babies, and the experience at the hospital would be a fading memory. We were so thankful. There were other babies there that we met that never came home from the hospital, that had serious health concerns, and then even others that would have health concerns their whole life. We prayed for them. It broke my heart seeing what I saw. Jeremy was supposed to be fine. I was told that as he grew up, he would be unable to even see the scar on his stomach. I probably would, but I'm his mother. We brought him home just before Christmas and much to our surprise, he developed RSV and needed to go back to the emergency room. More fun. . . We were lucky to just get treated just in the ER this time. No ambulance ride. . . Then one of our other children developed RSV too and he needed lots of medical attention as well! Needless to say we stayed home for Christmas. It was quiet, but good, even with the sickness. I kept thinking things would keep looking up day after day and our family could finally begin to enjoy life with our new addition to the family. I even have pictures of all six of us in pajamas for most of the day. We were tired, worried, frustrated, but kept saying 2008 would be great!
Well. . . I'm not sure I can say that now. I had no idea what would rear it's ugly head just three months later. I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. I had no idea that I would have to say goodbye to my sweet baby at just six months old. My heart aches for him and the fact that he spent so much of his already short life, sick.
The holidays are here and I struggle to find the emotional stamina needed to stay focused. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could replay each moment one more time. I would cherish it so differently knowing what I know now. I know God collects each and every tear that falls from my eyes. After all, he sent his only son to this humble world to save us from our sins. His son suffered too. Jesus suffered and hung on the cross. He suffered so that we could be saved. In my shattered heart, I will praise and honor him for his true gift to the world. I will look for the images of Jeremy celebrating Christ's birth in heaven, Oh what a sight that must be.
The photos included above show a few of the Christmas decorations in our home. We found a frame in the shape of a sunshine. Our pastor at church reminded me one day that it is because of the light from the sun that we are able to see the moon and the moonlight on the horizon at night. It refreshed my soul and gave new meaning to my obsession with sunshines. It reminds me to let God's light shine through me, even through the midst of tragedy. He still loves me and Jeremy even though he allowed this happen. Someday I will know the whole truth and it will all be good. Read the comment section from the earlier post. One special reader reminded me that not only will I spend eternity with my son in heaven, I will NOT REMEMBER this pain when I get there. I WILL NOT REMEMBER this hurt and this pain that has engulfed my soul. That friends, comforts me like nothing else can.
The next photo shows a tree made for us by a local Girl Scout troop. Is that beautiful or what? Again, I can't tell you the peace it sends to my heart to look at it all lit up at night. Each one of the girls decorated an angel to hang on the tree and each one is absolutely beautiful. Of course they placed Jeremy, our angel, at the top of the tree. It reminds me that Jeremy is an angel. He is healed and at peace. He walks with Jesus and with all those that have gone on to heaven. I was so touched by the compassion showed to our family from these special children. They reminded us that we are still in the thoughts and prayers of many families in our community. It is comforting to know that so many families petition the Lord on our behalf.
I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the angel pictured in the third photo. It was made for our home. I had never seen an angel like this before and I had to have it. It has golden hair and the wings are yellow and blue. The angel is flying with a blue ribbon cascading all around him. I think this is one decoration that may stay up all year.
Our tree has been put up. It is not the department store tree by any means, but after all it was decorated with love. Our children decorated the tree with their ornaments and then we hung plenty of the blue bracelets on the branches as well. It was hard to get the ornament box down and find Jeremy's first Christmas ornaments. This was a time that was so very painful. We had to let the children follow through on something that they wanted to do, but it was so hard looking at Jeremy's ornaments. It was so awful not holding him in our arms and helping him to hang his ornaments on our tree. It still makes me cry even as I write this very sentence. I look at our stockings hanging, all six of them. It is just so many other experiences, if we hang it, it hurts to look at it and know that it will remain empty. If I don't hang it, it will be a visual reminder that there is someone missing from our family and that doesn't feel right either.
Lord, I pray that you send your peace to our hearts today as we continue to prepare our hearts and minds for the celebration of Christmas,the birth of your son, Christ Jesus. Let our hearts be open to your goodness and grace. Teach us and show us ways that we can be like "Jesus" to others that are hurting, lost, and in need of your love. Help us Lord, to be a beacon of your light, shining brightly for the world to see, even as we mourn the loss of Jeremy. Replace our horrible images of Jeremy suffering with images of him cradled in your arms. Help us Lord to feel the warmth of your love and the sun still shining down on me.
Lord, I also ask for your healing hands to be placed upon our friends at the hospital. Help heal those children and adults Lord and return them to their homes to be with their families this Christmas.
Amen.
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