It's Over... recovering in my cocoon

Thanks for all of the concern over the last days. We survived Christmas but just like many of the other "milestone" days, I have discovered that it takes me a few days to recover. You know, one step forward, three steps back, deal etc. So here I rest in my little cocoon, doing all I can to survive and take care of my family. I am deeply sorry for not returning e-mails and phone calls. Cocoon life is just where I need to be right now when I am not taking care of munchkins. I have no intention of offending anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. Please try to understand. . . I do thank you all for your prayers, calls, encouraging e-mails, and checking in with us. I do soak them up and they do help, so please don't stop.

I am doing the best that I can today. It hurts in this place. It hurts when you look up and see lots of other happy families all around you and you just want that life back. It's like watching your old life from the outside of a window on a very cold and frigid night. It hurts when you look up and see other hurting folks around you. I hurt for my friends and family that hurt this holiday season. It hurts to know that you barely have the strength to hang on yourself much less to send a land line to someone else that you care about that is hurting. It hurts to just look up and not recognize your surroundings. Good thing God is navigating this ship. Problem is, I still have no idea where he is leading me, or why he chose to uproot me from my old life. God hasn't made himself appear for the security clearance conference that I have long desired, and there isn't one in sight. For now I remain in this pattern of trusting and having faith that all things will work out for the greater good. That being said, it doesn't mean this place is without hurt so deep it leaves you speechless. But... God, is with me I know for sure. Others may think that I have no peace, but it is there, resting quietly deep in my heart. It is just hard to see beneath this deep and overwhelming hurt. I know it is there. I just wish it would fill up faster. I hear the song, I just can't seem to dance yet. This is a hot topic but I close on that subject for now.

I have thoughts to share about Christmas itself in a later post. But here is a little sneak peek into our house this last week...

The kids have been off from school for the Christmas holidays and the routines and structure of our normal weeks has ceased for the time being too.

Two vomiting children, have given me more sleepless nights, piles of laundry, and more clinging hugs as well. You know it goes. One little person is also cutting two molars to top it off.

Three kids that aren't content until they have opened every last toy that was under the tree (all of which needed adult assembly, supervision, or wow factor)

One little guy that beams with joy that he now has access to brother and sisters stuff under the tree, not to mention all of the decorations that could easily be mistaken for balls to throw! There is even a green football wedged in the branches of my tree. I'll have to take a picture to show him when he is older. This little one is VERY busy and inquisitive. I do not mean to make this sound like I am complaining, I am not. In fact, I am thankful for every hair on his busy head. I am just sharing that he keeps me on my toes and leaves very little room for down time while he is awake. The slightest sound of the phone ringing just makes it worse.

A husband who went fishing overnight. . . and the list goes on and on. It's no different in our house than anyone else's. The only difference I guess is that I have no reserve to go on.

All of this adds up to just exhaustion...

Well I will close for now so that I can soak up some real sunshine with my kids outside. We truly don't get weather like this in December very often. I am happier when the rays of sunshine warm my face. It makes me want to move somewhere where it is warm all of the time. Something to think about...