Christmas Eve 2008

The Christmas holiday is here. We've done all we can to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and to make it the best we can for our other three children, all the while, trying to embrace the feelings that come over us and NOT to stuff them. After all, they will ALWAYS come back to bite us, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe even years from now. I'd rather deal with them now and not let them fester deep in my soul.


I am missing my sweet little baby more than words can say. My mind races back to last year and the memories of his first Christmas. I am thankful for those. I am thankful to have those happy memories. They were some of the best that I have ever had in my whole life, when we have been all together as a family of six!

This experience has whittled away all that isn't important in this world. I am thankful for that. Everyone fights that demon. This earthy world makes us think about those "things" far too much. I have my eyes focused on the really important things this Christmas. I have everything that I need and really don't need any package with a pretty bow this year. The "stuff" just doesn't seem important anymore. It has been an honor to give more than to receive. . .

What I want most can't be wrapped up in a box or bag. . . The next few items on my wish list aren't things either. They are "mindsets" that I will have to work hard to achieve myself. More on that later.

My husband and I have heavy hearts tonight for many reasons. Besides the grief that we carry, we are deeply saddened by other families that we know are hurting this Christmas. If anyone out there is reading this post, please pray with us. God already knows them by name and their situation. We have friends that are also grieving the loss of their child, families grieving the loss of a young mother, and friends that are apart from their children and families this Christmas because their child is a patient in the hospital. There are so many hurting hearts tonight for so many reasons. I pray that their hearts can feel some comfort and peace tonight. Peace on earth. . .

As I have commented before, I have found tremendous strength reading blogs of other Mommies who carry this same cross. There is this one mommy that speaks to my soul. These are her words and I must give her the credit. Emily shares this message and I have carried it around in my purse so that I can read it as often as I want or need to. I will close with a passage from her blog that ahas truly impacted me deeply. I find it to be powerfully written and amazing. I share it in hopes that it may help someone else too. Thank you Emily, check her out at ReallyLiving@blogspot.com. I have adapted it to fit our situation with Jeremy.

"Our pastor often says that we as Christians live in the safest and scariest place we could possibly live: the hand of God. Nothing can harm us here. No one and nothing can snatch us from the strong hand of our father. But our father fears nothing. He might choose to carry us through hell and high water. He might let us feel the heat of flames that would burn us alive. He might let us see things, through the cracks between his fingers, that we never wanted to see and that steal the very breath from our lungs just to recall, but he will never let us fall. We might find ourselves reading promises in his Word and wondering how they could possibly apply, when we do feel as if we have been forsaken. We do feel as if we have caught our heels on a terribly sharp stone. But the reality is that our God has never promised to protect this earthly body, this tent that temporarily houses our external souls. He didn't say we would never get sick. He didn't say we would have friends that would understand. He didn't say our marriages would be easy. He didn't say life wouldn't hurt. He didn't even say that our children would live.

He said we could trust him with all our hearts and that He would make the path toward home straight. He said He has hope and a future for us, but He didn't say that future would come tomorrow. He said He would give us beauty for ashes and turn our mourning into dancing, but He never said the transformation would happen overnight. Every step of the way, He said He would be with us. When we cannot see Him, when we cannot understand or even accept His ways, when we wonder if we have been forsaken, we can remember that He promised to never leave us. We are never alone. Nothing happens to us of which He is unaware. Every moment of every day, our Lord is fully aware of every joy and every pain in every corner of the world. We cannot begin to fathom His love for us."Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."John 14:1-3I will not let my heart be troubled. I will guard it as the wellspring of life that it is. Satan will not win this battle. He roams this earth like a thief in the night. He sees our vulnerable places and goes in for the attack. A person is never more broken than when they are in the throes of grief. I will yet strap on the armor of God. I will turn my ear toward My Shepherd's voice once more. I will choose to remember the beauty of this week last year. I will choose to be thankful for all that we were given and to trust Him with all that was taken away. Jeremy was always God's baby... as are his siblings... as are the children we have yet to meet... as are we. He will take care of us as surely as He cares for him tonight. Instead of growing bitter over what I missed, I will be grateful for all that I received, but was so unworthy of. Tonight, my sweet son rests in the room my Jesus went to prepare for him so long ago. I believe with all my heart that there is a place there for me, in his very room, that awaits. Until I can go where he is, until I can run my fingers over the wounds my Jesus bears as a symbol of the price He paid to give me the hope of a reunion with my Him and with my son and as a sweet retreat from this battle, I will keep standing back up. I will be still and know that it is the Mighty Warrior who is is fighting this battle for me, even now. I am weak. He is strong. And when I cannot walk, His grace will carry me."

Wow! That was beautiful. My friend Emily really can write, beautifully I might add. Her words comfort me and I wanted to share.