Angel Mail #5

My Dear Sweet Jeremy,

I felt you kiss my cheek in the sunshine today. Your light was shining down on me all day. It has been eight months since I have seen your sweet face. I miss you so much. I long to hold you in my arms and to kiss your sweet cheeks. My soul wishes to see your smile and to watch you run and play with your brothers and your sister. Oh how I long for our family to be together enjoying God's goodness here on earth.

The weather here was unusually warm today and sunny for February. I marveled at the way the sky looked this morning and wondered what you see there in heaven. I can only imagine how beautiful it is as you look around. I cried on the way to church imagining how happy you are there with Jesus. You know that's all a parent really ever wants and hopes for their child, to find true happiness, love, peace, and joy. I know you have all of that and more there in heaven with Jesus. This knowledge gives me more peace as my soul grieves your loss here on earth.

I sat in church this morning and came to an important realization. One of the responsibilities of being a parent is teaching your child to learn, grow, and develop into adulthood. There are so many things to learn in life. We parents have so many hopes and dreams for our children. I would have never thought it would happen this way, but it was you Jeremy, that has taught me to learn, grow and develop into a new person. I am deeply hurting but yet I am transforming into something or someone that God wants me to be. I am still in the molding process and it is scary. My whole world as I knew it has changed, but God is with me, every step of the way and I am excited to learn of this new purpose and calling he has for my life. Is it wrong for me to want so badly to be able to share that with you here on earth? I must trust and walk by faith alone that God knows what he is doing with my life and yours. I know there is a reason why you are there with him and I am here but I do wish I knew all of the answers now. One thing I do know for certain is that the gift of your life and the privilege of being your mommy was and still is a huge part of that lesson for me. You son, have taught me so much and I know there is more to learn as I heal.

I cried so hard today in church I embarrassed myself. You probably have learned that you were born into a family of criers! The tears just flow so easily for most of us. My soul feels scattered in so many directions. My heart hurts. I gave in to my heart today and let the pain flow. I thank God for sending the angels here on earth to comfort me and walk beside me. I felt such love and the embrace of compassion from so many of our Prayer Warriors at church and all around us today. The music was particularly moving today. Every song played/sung today was especially meaningful to us. Some we had as a part of your funeral service and others were songs that I can vividly remember being played in your hospital room so many times. The comfort that they brought us then and even still today was present this morning with every melody. I may have been able to compose myself more but I was so moved by the choice of the songs played today as we worshipped.

I visited your grave today with your Daddy, your siblings, and your Mom Mom. I know that you are not there. I know with every being in my soul where you are. I just need to go there. I wish I was wiping dirt from your sweet little face because you were having fun outside instead of from your headstone. I wish with all of my heart that I could meticulously care for your little body and not your grave. I brought some red and white flowers and a balloon, a little love gift from your family on earth. I wish I could watch you play with a balloon. You would be so fascinated with the colors and your reflection in the shiny silver metallic side of the balloon just your siblings were at this age. I stood there still in disbelief that you are really gone from this physical world and gone from my arms until I see you again in heaven. My heart aches to imagine what you would be like today if you were still alive.

It breaks my soul into pieces to see your brothers and your sister run up the hill to your grave. My heart can't believe that this is a part of our world. It hurts so badly to see your marker on the ground. I wondered what my heart physically looks like. Do grieving hearts look different than healthy and happy hearts? Your siblings innocently call out to you "Hi Jeremy!" as if you are right there with them and nothing has changed. But it has changed...EVERYTHING has changed. I wish I could have that childlike grace and faith to not hurt so badly. Your brothers ran and gathered pine cones to decorate your grave. Did you hear your sister praying, talking, and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to you? I stood there and felt the sun shining on my face and wondered if it was really you. Were you watching me and wishing I wasn't standing there crying and hurting for your loss? Were you sending me a message that you are good and happy there in heaven? It felt like the only place that the sun was shining was where we were standing... It is sweet yet so painful to watch as your sister has such a hard time leaving the cemetery. She kissed your gravestone several times and just physically could part herself from your grave. My heart was ripping apart watching her as if she were saying good bye to you all over again. I wish I could shield her from this pain that she has learned at such an early age. I wish you could feel what it would feel like to be loved by your sister and your brothers here on earth. Can you feel it there in heaven? Can you feel how very much you are missed by us all? I think one of the happiest memories of my whole life was watching the four of you interact. Talk about Rays of Sunshine...there are none that shine brighter than those memories in my heart!

I also stood there and had another realization. I have struggled this week with many things. The most painful thing being that I have relived the last day and the last moments with you over and over, and over again. I didn't want to, it just kept happening. I really began to wonder why? Why wouldn't those thought just leave me be for awhile? Today, as I stood at your grave, I realized that it was a gift to be present at those moments. I was blessed to bring you into this world. You fulfilled your purpose here on earth and I was blessed to hold you as you entered the kingdom of heaven to live eternally with Jesus. I was blessed to feel your tiny fingers squeeze mine. I wondered today if you squeezed my hand to let me know that it was okay... at that point you must have seen where you were going. I couldn't see what you could see. I have regrets from that day. I still have so much to say and to tell you little one. I know now that it was a gift to be with you at that very moment. Not every parent has that gift. Some parents that experience a loss of a child are unable to be with them as they enter the gates of heaven. I would have been devastated to learn of your passing at a moment when I wasn't there. We had time to say so long, your family had time to say so long, and your PICU family had time to say so long. It is not Goodbye, we will all see you again. I was able to hold you and kiss your sweet face. I had been unable to hold you for 70 long and painful days during your illness. I remember and still fight that feeling of wanting so badly to JUST enjoy holding you and to not have to be forced to part with you forever here on earth. God was orchestrating this day so perfectly all along. I could see today the full circle of this experience... How the same doctor that with us that fateful night when this journey began was the same one that was there as we said so long... She is so special, but you already know that don't you? You loved her so very much...
And she loved you...

So I am thankful today. I am stubborn but I eventually got it. It has to be this way. God's plan is good and perfect in every way. It may hurt to the depths of my soul but it has to be this way. I see the gift that God gave me on the day that he took you to live in your eternal home.

Jeremy , your light is shining brightly still today. I think of you every moment of every day. You are and always will be a part of who I am and what I do.

You touched the lives of so many...but none like mine. I love you up to the moon and back. Until we meet again sweet little angel.

Love,
Mommy