Family of Six

We're a family of six and always will be.

Life makes it hard sometimes to just be at peace with that feeling.

We went to a restaurant last weekend. I walked in and the hostess asked me "How many in your party?" I stood there. She repeated the question. I heard her just fine. I was just frozen. I wanted to say six, there are six people in my family. We are a family of six, but now a party of five. (In restaurant terms at least)

Our two year old is in between his high chair and a regular seat at our table. We built up the courage to buy additional seating for our table that we purchased 11 years ago. We now have six chairs at our table. We're a family of six. It hurts so badly seeing that image of where Jeremy would take his place at our table as he grew. Some may ask, "Why did you buy the sixth seat? Why not not just stick with five?" Well, we are a family of six. Jeremy's seat exists whether there is a real chair to signify that space or not. It is NEVER far from our minds, not ever. We don't need a chair to make it real, it's already there. Plus, we have company over often and the extra seat would be put to good use. In addition, six is an even number...

I went to register Nolan for preschool. The form included the usual requests for information. No problem... wasn't expecting that grief window to open again, not here. About a third of the way down, it asked for information about siblings.
Frozen again... Well I listed them all, Jeremy included.

Passed two funerals today. I don't know the people or the circumstances and I hurt. I hurt for the family left behind. . . I know the pain and the grief that is to come. I hurt because I remember the biggest hurt of my life.

No more words, just pain. Thanks for listening/reading. I just needed to release a little again. Some days it's too much.

Enough. I am hurting. . . Hoping for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Hope the forecast includes sunshine, I could use some!


Dear Lord,

Meet me where I am today. I am a hurt Mama missing her child. My heart aches so deeply I can hardly wrap words around it. I feel your strength holding me up. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. . . breathing in and out. Please forgive me for feeling this way. I don't doubt for a second that my sweet Jeremy is safe in your care. I just miss him Lord. My arms ache for his presence. My home is filled with an abundance of your gifts and blessings and for that I am ever so thankful. There is just this empty space in our hearts, in our home, and in our world. Come and fill those empty spaces and touch my soul as only you can. Lead me and give me what I need for this new journey. Amen

Ecclesiastes 7:14
In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider; God has made the one as well as the other...