Remembering Misery

Job 11:16

You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away.

I have come across this particular passage several times in the months that have passed since Jeremy has gone to heaven. I find great comfort and hope reading it again and again, over and over.

It is still inconceivable to me that I could simply forget a hurt this big in my heart. The last few days I have been thinking a lot about Jeremy's last days here on earth, particularly those final moments. I have not sat down and purposefully meditated on these thoughts or willingly tried to remember. The grief window opened, again. I am afraid those images, thoughts, and feelings are permanently etched in my innermost being. It is a nightmare I never thought I'd face and one that I wish I couldn't remember. I wish I would wake up and realize it all was just a very bad dream.

I have tried to move on from remembering those thoughts about Jeremy, they hurt too much. I am unable to write about those final moments spent with him. I have regrets about that time. I would never want to relive those moments, but I do wish I would've told Jeremy some of the things that I want to say now, things I wasn't able to say to him on June 8th. I was stunned, shocked, scared, in disbelief, afraid, and so, so sad. The finality of the situation has sunk in more and I have had time to collect my thoughts. I think we were so full of hope that we would be able to take our son home,that we truly never really thought this is the way his story would end. I was unprepared, but I do not think any parent really would be ready to say goodbye to their child.

I have a heavy heart that feels to heavy to carry right now. I am resting in hope that the waters will indeed part around my feet and pass me by. I want to remember my special moments with Jeremy with heartfelt joy without the misery that inevitably follows. T.D. Jakes in Hope for Every Moment challenges readers to let go of the misery, let it pass by just like the water around one's ankles. There is another analogy like a bee sting, once the stinger is removed, healing is inevitable. Jakes reminds us at the end of this passage that when we become secure in our relationship with God that we begin to allow the past to fall from us as a garment. We remember it, but choose not to wear it.

I am finding it difficult to choose not to wear this grief that have taken a hold of my soul. Jeremy is my son, I do not want to forget him or the time I was blessed to spend with him. He is not a garment that I want to hang up and not remember. He is a part of who I am today. I wish I could remember the good without the bad. The journey we began last March and still walk, is teaching me and molding me into someone new. I hope I am better in the end and not so broken that I am of no use to anyone here on this earth. I am feeling rather broken these days. Satan has his grip on my soul. I am struggling to remember that although I may be broken, God wants to rebuild me into something new and important. I am not defeated as Satan would like to me to be. I am standing, I just don't know where I am going... My eyes are looking to the Lord for comfort and guidance with each and every footstep I take.

It all seems so easy. It will take work. I want to do the work to find joy again. I have hope that God will restore joy in my soul. I will not remember this misery in eternity. I will be reunited with my sweet angel. I will once again look into his eyes and feel peace. I will feel joy without misery.