This day was planned to be much different. My husband was planning to take the day off since the older kids are off from school in celebration of President's Day. We were planning a long overdue Family Fun Day. We needed a time together to just cut loose and have a good time together. Smiles were prescribed for everyone.
Well... a little cold germ surfaced in the middle of last week and has now infected all three of the little ones in our house. The symptoms have been the most severe in the oldest child. He is running a fever and feels "yucky".
So much for our Family Fun Day... No play dates with friends or cousins, no outings, nothing out of the ordinary for us today. Daddy went back to work, I tackled the task of taking care of sick kids and the ever growing pile of laundry. Once again, I also faced the additional task of battling the feeling of being frustrated. I was that we could not do what we had planned. God had other plans for me...
I took two kids outside to get some fresh air. Life is just a tad bit easier when the two year old has his outside time. The temperature was cold but the sky was a beautiful color of blue and the sun was shining. I could feel the warmth within each ray of sunshine. We were delighted to discover the signs of spring popping up all around us. I wondered how much better I would feel in a few weeks when the grass turns green and the fresh air is something that we can take advantage of more often. We hung bird feeders, played with chalk and basketballs. It was fun. I'm not sure why, but I walked around to the side of the house. I discovered that our heat pump was surrounded in leaves. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but we have had two HUGE electric bills recently. I have always been careful to turn off lights and appliances when they are not in use. However, after those two bills, I have been crazy about conserving energy. So when I saw the leaves, I wondered if they had anything to do with the high bill. Perhaps the leaves were causing the heat pump to work on overdrive. So off to the garage I went to get the rake.
Raking leaves in February. Unexpected.
Kids jumping in a leaf pile in February. Unexpected.
The pleasant smell of fresh spearmint that was alive and growing wild beneath the leaves. Unexpected.
The signs of spring popping up in February. The trees are beginning to bud. The sight of daffodil, tulip, and crocus bulbs that are beginning to emerge from the ground. Unexpected.
I began to think and pray as I raked the leaves. I listened to God speaking to my heart as I continued to rake three loads of leaves from around the heat pump. Yes, I said three loads. I was feeling good, in control of changing something or correcting a possible problem. I even wondered whether this counted as my exercise for today?
My life path has turned in many unexpected places. I did not plan or choose this current path. Never the less, I have grown and learned unexpected lessons about life and about love. In recent months I have stayed stuck in the past expecting that if I refused to let go of Jeremy, things would eventually return to normal. The thing about my grief is this, I can't change the fact that Jeremy died. Grieving people tend to engage in activities that give them some sense of control such as exercising and cleaning. I have engaged in this behaviors a lot. It does give you the sense of accomplishment and control. Other areas of life are more concrete with regard to problem solving. For example, we had a high electric bill so we took steps toward changing the outcome for the next month. We lowered our thermostat and dug out more blankets. We layered more clothing, we turned off lights and appliances when they were not is use. We feel some sense of control over problem solving and we hope to see a lower bill next month. When someone you love dies, you can't change that. In recent months I have felt unsettled because my heart doesn't know that there are no solutions to this problem. There is nothing that I can do to change what has happened, I have lost control. We as humans can't reverse death but God can. He came and saved Jeremy. God took Jeremy to heaven to live eternally with him and so many others that have gone on before me. Jeremy is experiencing all the glory that heaven has to offer. God can do so many other unexpected things in my life if I would just let him.
Today as I was raking leaves and playing outside, I was reminded to let go... and let God...let God work through the unexpected things in my life. I was reminded to let God shape and mold me to conform to the image he has in mind for me. I am his child. He created me and he gave my life purpose. I need to ask him guide me and then I need to accept that he may lead me in unexpected places and through unexpected difficulties to get me to the place where he wants me to be. After all, it is his plan, not mine. I had a valuable lesson today, not the one I wanted but apparently the one I needed.
Just as he can create a spearmint plant to live and bloom beneath the fallen leaves from Autumn in February, he can work his will with my life too. I need to do a better job of letting go of my plans for my life and accepting God's plan.
The irony of this experience today is that it directly relates to part of the message that I heard in yesterday's sermon at church. Our pastor even commented on how so many of us hear the message and agree with the message but how many of us apply that message to our everyday lives. Well... God gave me a nudge today as I was working in the yard. My ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts, but I will anchor myself to my faith in God and his ability to make my life good according to his will, not mine. As my pastor says, God didn't bring me this far to leave me, he didn't teach me to swim so that I would drown, he didn't build a home for me to move away, and he didn't raise me up to let me down. He is with me all the time. I am a work in progress...
I will try to find peace tonight knowing that even when things don't go according to my plan, it's okay, and that there is even unexpected joy to be found. God is in control.
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2 comments:
Praise God for the pile of leaves! Only our God can take a pile of leaves and turn it into a lesson for life! He needed to speak to you, He needed you to hear Him. Sometimes the only way He can do that is to get us out in the open air, away from the hustle and bustle of daily life, away from our schedules. I, like you, have had so many times when He has redirected my path. Even with just the little things, like a day of family fun gone wrong. So many times God has made me realize how much I need to slow down by slowing down my body through sickness. Isn't it great that He can do that for us?
Your thoughts on grief and control are so right on. When my best friend was in a freak accident that eventually took her life after 10 days in ICU, I did not know what to do with the feeling of helplessness that I had. I stayed by her side endlessly in the ICU, prayed for her, talked to her as if she was awake and alert, and tried to carry on as "normal". The fact of the matter was, things weren't normal, they had changed, and I couldn't do anything about it. For the first time in my friendship with her, I was unable to do anything to solve this problem she had. So many times in our friendship, she would come to me for help and I could almost always do something to minimize the problem. God needed me to see that this life is not in our control, it is in His. I too, went through the process of denial, thinking that maybe if I wished hard enough for her to return, she would. I cried endlessly over the loss of my friend as well as the loss her 2 year old daughter would suffer for the rest of her life, not having a mom. Many days all I could say to my savior through tears was, "It's not fair. It's just not fair." I cried those same tears when another friend of mine had to bury her newborn baby that was born with a birth defect that caused him to only live for 13 short hours. "It's not fair. It's not fair," was all we could say. Through my heartache, God brought me to my knees and helped me to see a little more clearly that it's not just that His plan is the best plan....His plan is the ONLY plan. He has a design for our lives that we may not understand until we get to meet Him face to face. Our pastor once explained that it's like a tapestry...from underneath, all we see is a mess of strings and knots. But from above, our Lord sees a beautiful picture that He has woven to fit our lives perfectly. Every knot and thread has it's place and purpose, though some are seemingly unbearable. What I'm sure you are finding, as I did, I can bear it, I can get through it, life will go on, and there is joy underneath the rubble...or spearmint grass beneath the leaves! So many wonderful things have developed as a direct result of some of the pains that I have dealt with in life...however, none as painful as losing a precious child. It is as you said, our choice to accept what is, let go, and let God take back the control of our lives. We have to make the choice to allow Him to work in us when we offer our hearts to Him, no matter what unexpected directions He must take us to do so. So, to quote another great praise song,
"I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the Joy of the Lord!"
Praise God for that simple pile of leaves...He most certainly had His purpose for you in it!!
In Him,
Julie in Catonsville
Amy, I Love it when you post pictures! Thank you. Jeremy was such an adorable baby! He was also a VERY LOVED baby!
I hope you get to enjoy your Family Fun Day soon. I can definately understand how it feels to look forward to something like that and then not get to do it. I'm sure the kids were disappointed too.
Just know that we still pray for you & Scott all the time. For your marriage and for you as "Mommy" and "Daddy". If there is anything you need, please let us know.
Please post more info about your efforts to help others. Or maybe give us another way to find out, so we can help or contribute.
Michelle & Jason
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