Traffic

I mentioned last week that I was having a hard time.

There is a first time for everything. I have had the need to send lots of cards to various people for a variety of reasons over the last eight months. The very first card was hard... how do I sign the card? Do I sign all of our names and take the risk that someone might think I am crazy. Do I only sign the names of the living members of our family and feel like I am leaving Jeremy out? Do I sign it with just our last name?? The ____ Family? When I became a Mom, I was never more proud than to sign all of our names in that space on cards. My family is so important to me. Each and every member has a special place in our family, Jeremy included.

As time went by, it really wasn't much easier. I would really stop and contemplate the signature each and every time. I would say that it varies from card to card depending on the receiver and the circumstance for the card.

On Thursday, I was signing a card. It happened. I signed the card with everyone's name. When I caught myself on the letter J of Jeremy's name, the pain penetrated my heart in an unimaginable way. Jeremy is my son and he always will be. Jeremy is a part of this family and he always will be. It seemed so free and natural to just sign his name. It was a moment when my heart had taken over and I just wasn't thinking. When my brain realized what I had done, my heart remembered. My heart remembered that life looks different now. It hurt and I had a hard time recovering from that moment in time.


Grieving is hard to do. Jeremy is part of me, part of our family forever. Yet, signing cards, setting the table, making reservations, hanging stockings, etc seems like we are always between a rock and a hard place. There is no one choice that just feels good. There's the choice that your heart wants to make... but we can't.


There have also been several innocent occasions lately where I have been forced to remember... people see the blue bow on my car and assume there must be a "new baby" in the car. How I wish that were true.

People ask how many children I have. I reply four. They see me with my third child and ask if he is my youngest, to which I reply no. Then they ask about the fourth child. Oh how I wish my answer were different...

I lay all of this before the Lord. He is good. Here I go again with lyrics to one of the songs playing at the bottom of this screen. I have chosen each one for a reason. It brings me comfort when it is dark, quiet, and the rain feels like it will stay. If you can, check it out.


You Are Good- Point of Grace
When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

I am grateful for this life that my Lord has carved out just for me. It is good, it is still good. Jeremy has eternal life and I will see him again. It is not goodbye just a long trip with lots of traffic. (Thanks D and S, I love that visual) Some days there is easy driving and then there are days with traffic. We wake up each day, embrace the day and what it will bring, and we keep driving forward. There could be minutes at first, then hours, days, weeks, and maybe even months without traffic. The thing about traffic is that it can be unpredictable! There is always rush hour traffic and you can plan around construction traffic. However, sometimes there is just traffic for no apparent reason and it is unexpected. With or without traffic, I too will reach my final destination and Jeremy will be waiting for me when I get there.

I am grateful for the grieving parents that have reached out to help me and my family as we drive through lots of traffic these days. It can't be easy to drive into traffic to encourage us along the way. We are blessed to feel your courage and compassion. Please pray for the other parents we know and don't knwo that drive through the traffic of grieving the loss of a child.